


Myself

by Anonymous



Category: RoadTrip (Band)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:54:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 70,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29352282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Andy is just beginning to accept her sexuality and gender as a transgender female. Amongst the fear of coming out to the world, what she's most afraid of is how her best friend, Rye, will react.
Relationships: Rye Beaumont/Andy Fowler
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2
Collections: anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still no clue on the summary, but this features a MtF!Andy and FtM!Jack. Will deal with transphobia, homophobia including usage of slurs, and body dysmorphia

**Andy's POV**

The moment I first really thought about my gender was in freshman year of high school when coach McKinnon told us to divide into boys and girls and I stood there frozen before my best friend, Rye, grabbed my arm and tugged me over to the boy's side.

It wasn't like a light bulb just flashed above my head screaming "maybe you're a girl, Andy!" It was just this feeling deep inside me that I couldn't quite place at first. I guess I was at an age where I was opening my eyes to the world and myself. I wasn't a kid anymore. I could think for myself and the thoughts going through my head would change my life as I knew it.

At first I thought that maybe I just wanted to spend more time with girls. Perhaps I was tired of all my male friends and wanted something different, or maybe I didn't want to join the boys during gym class because they were always so much more athletic than I was and I always felt so different and inadequate around them.

I thought about that day a lot over the next year, and the more I thought about it, the more out of place I felt. I realized how much I was faking my interests with my guy friends and how attracted I was to more feminine activities. It didn't happen in an instant though. I guess I had felt this way for a while but never really thought anything of it until I got older. I always just thought that I was a boy who was supposed to do boy things and that was the end of it. I was wrong.

Sophomore year my mom left my dad and I. It was no big loss, for me at least. She was a business woman. She was always at the office. I rarely saw her and it was hard to bond with her hard exterior. My dad was left devastated although he would never say it out loud. He was always a quiet man, even more so when she left him to be with another man. All I could do was be on his side.

Instead of being sad about my mom's abandonment, I ended up raiding her closet, taking the clothes and make-up that she left behind. I stored them away under my bed. It wasn't because I wanted a memento of her. It was because I liked the clothes. I liked the make-up. I had been drawn to them for a while now and there was no way I was going to the mall to buy girl's clothes. I didn't want anyone finding out about me.

My dad knew I took the clothes. At first I think he thought I just missed her and was keeping the clothes until she came back, even though we both knew that day would never come. My dad realized that wasn't my intention when he came home from work early one day and found me wearing one of her fanciest dresses with my hair and make-up all done up, quite messily for a first timer, I might add.

He walked into that room and out of it so quickly when he saw me. He never spoke of it to me and I never did it again despite wanting to. I was ashamed. I locked all of my mom's things in my closet and never looked at it again. I concluded that I was being ridiculous. I thought that maybe wearing women's clothes was some stupid kink I had, but most of all I thought it was because I was gay.

I guess it shouldn't have come as a shock to me that I liked boys, but it did. I did what most boys my age did. I was watching porn and one search lead to another and soon I was watching men. Just men. And I was getting off to it. I cried and cried that day.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. I was this boy who enjoyed cross-dressing and naked men. I thought it was a fluke, just a once off, but time and time again I found myself thinking of boys in a sexual way and then eventually romantically when I had a crush on a boy in my grade called Harper Hunt.

The crush formed and died pretty quickly but was followed by another and another and soon I had to confess to myself that I liked boys. That was something I hadn't told anyone, not even my best friend, Rye.

Rye was great. We had been inseparable since kindergarten and knew everything about each other. Almost everything. I felt guilty for not telling him I was interested in boys. I didn't want him to take it the wrong way. I didn't want him being uncomfortable around me. As much as my head was telling me he was a good guy and would be okay with it, I was still so scared of the idea of him knowing.

He didn't know about how I questioned my gender either. High school was such a harsh environment. I was terrified about what people would think of me if I came out and suddenly said that I was a girl. Would anyone understand me if I told them I felt like I was born in the wrong body? I barely understood any of this myself, so how would they?

Rye was a real guys-guy. He was so typical. He was into sports and cars, and especially girls. He was a complete charmer, not the trashy kind. We were both in the popular group at school and it was good. It was a nice life and at the beginning I didn't want to upset that, but the longer I went on denying who I was, the worse I was feeling.

I began dating a girl; Emma. She was beautiful and took a liking to me. It was so easy to just date her and try to cover up who I really was. At least, I thought it would be easy. I felt so fake, but I guess I was. I felt wrong. I felt sick. I knew it wasn't right, but I led this fake life anyway.

The summer after sophomore year was when I broke up with Emma. I could barely give an explanation, just a pathetic "I'm sorry" on the last day of school and then running away as she burst into tears and shouted after me that I was a faggot. Whether she knew I was gay or not, I had no idea. Maybe she just said that out of hatred. I didn't know.

That summer I secluded myself. I convinced my dad to let me stay with my grandparents interstate. I told everyone it was so I could get a job at their corner store, which I did actually work in, but really it was just an excuse so I could get away and think for a while.

Being away from everyone I knew and being in a new town gave me the freedom to clear my head and think properly about what I was going through. I started thinking seriously about the fact that I'm a girl. I am a girl. That was how I had been feeling for a while now, and perhaps a lot longer than I thought. I didn't identify with being a boy. That was a lot to take in, but at the same time I felt kind of calm when I accepted it.

Coming back home was depressing. Just being called "he" or "him" by my dad or my closest friends, or even strangers, hurt a lot, and it was frustrating because I couldn't tell them not to. I knew I was living in a world that was slowly changing and becoming more welcome of people like me, but I was still scared. I was scared of people thinking I was a freak and I was scared that I was just going through some phase that I would get over soon.

I wasn't happy. I felt trapped. I felt like I was lying to myself still and everyone around me, which I was. I was being a coward but truth be told, I didn't know exactly what was going on with me, no matter how many times I told myself who I was, I couldn't grasp the concept, so until I figured it out I was staying right where it was comfortable; in the closet.


	2. Chapter 2

The smell of burnt rubber and the excitement of speeding down one of the secluded backstreets in our town was something I missed over the summer I had been away. When I got back I knew I had to get Rye to take me out and he was more than willing to.

My heart raced as the exhilaration took over. Funnily enough I felt the most calm and at peace racing miles over the speed limit. I remember when I used to sit here and cover my eyes, silently begging for it to be over. As I got older and a little more daring, I was less worried about my safety and more focused on the thrill. It was a welcome distraction tonight.

"How many times I gotta tell you to put your seatbelt on, Andy?" Rye asked from the driver's seat.

"Where's the fun in that?" I asked with a smile.

I saw the frown of disdain on his face, but his eyes never left the road as he shifted gears. Our friends, Sonny and Brook, were trailing behind us in Brook's car. Rye was one of the best drivers I knew and he rarely had any fear, so when he slowed down a bit I looked at him like he was insane.

"They're gaining on us!" I said as I glanced back at the other car.

"Eh," he shrugged, "I'll let 'em win for once. It's not often they do."

Brook sped past the two of us. I wasn't a fan of losing. Even if I wasn't driving, I still felt like I lost. I guess it was more that I dreaded Sonny's gloating we'd be hit with later.

"Step on it, dummy," I said and hit his shoulder.

He didn't. He stayed just half a car length behind them, letting them win. I sighed and crossed my arms over my chest. Stupid boys always knew how to ruin a fun time. Not that I was being a whole lot of fun anyway. Before we started, when we were back at the party, I was as quiet as a mouse and really didn't want to be there. The drag racing idea was the only reason I left the house.

Turns out we probably should have stayed at home because as we got to the end of the street red and blue lights appeared out of nowhere. I knew it.

"Oh fuck me..." Rye groaned.

"I t-,"

"This was your idea so I swear if you say 'I told you so' I'll make you walk home," he threatened.

Rye slowed down alongside Brook until both cars came to a stop in front of the cop car. The bright shining light of a torch shone directly at us. I felt a little guilty for getting us in this mess, but I could get us out of it too. We got out of the car and I sighed in relief when I saw the familiar cop.

"Oh, hey dad," I said with an innocent smile.

"Boys...Andy," my dad said begrudgingly. His voice was hoarse and brittle, showing no signs of amusement.

"Officer Fowler," The other three greeted in unison.

Dad looked at me and shook his head, not so much in disappointment but more in a 'what are you doing causing trouble now for?' kind of way. Honestly, my dad was a cool dad. He could have a tough exterior, but really he was quiet and a bit of a pushover. He didn't like conflict either which was how I knew this would lead nowhere.

"I thought I've told you four about staying away from this," he said.

"It's just some fun, sir...officer...Andy's dad, dude," Brook said like the goof he was.

"It's illegal is what it is," Dad said.

"We're sorry, Robert. It's Fovvs' first day back. We just wanted to show him a good time," Rye said.

I cringed a little at the word 'him'. It was a lot worse now that I had come to accept who I was. I know I'm a girl. I wished that it would magically come naturally for people to call me 'her' or 'she', but it wasn't like anyone knew about me. It wasn't Rye's fault for saying it. I guess I was used to it after all.

Actually, it had been a little while since I had really been referred to as 'him'. My dad was unsure of what was going on with me, but I think deep down he knew. He had been avoiding pronouns all together, and I swear on my life he must have told my grandparents too because they never called me 'he' or 'him' either. They went out of their way to just call me Andy.

They were avoiders, the whole lot of them, but it would be hypocritical of me to judge them for it since I was an avoider too considering how I'm stalling on coming out of this dark, consuming closet of mine.

"I don't care what your reasons are. Enough of this, ya hear me? You might not be so lucky next time with who catches you. Now get outta here before I gotta write out some tickets," Dad demanded. It was the best 'stern adult' voice he could do.

"Sweet! Thanks Mr. Sir!" Brook exclaimed and didn't waste any more time before getting in the car.

"Thanks Rob! You're alright, man," Rye said. He and my dad had always gotten along well.

Dad looked at me and I knew I'd probably get a talking to later, but for now I just gave a small smile and a wave before getting back in the car.

"Man, I've known your dad almost my whole life and I'll never get over just how cool he is," Rye said as he started the car up again.

"No, he just hates confrontation," I told him.

"Whatever," he mumbled, then a grin formed on his face, "As long as it keeps me outta jail. Ain't nobody got time for being someone's prison bitch like I would be, like fuck I gotta start doing some weights dude. We should join a gym, what do you say? My dad's a member actually. We could get a family discount."

I just smiled at him with a nod and didn't say anything. It was hard to keep up with Rye's personality sometimes because he was quite outgoing and upbeat. I was more reserved, especially tonight. It was a wonder how we were friends. Sometimes I just didn't really talk at all and our conversations became one sided. It wasn't really fair on him but I couldn't help it.

I reached out and turned the radio up so I'd have an excuse not to talk. I had a lot on my mind right now. It was my first night back in town and after a summer of finding myself, it was difficult to come back to not knowing how to act around everyone.

While I stared out the window and wrapped myself tighter in my hoodie, Rye drove back down the long, narrow road to where we had begun. Through another dirt road past some woodlands was Brook's house by the river. Brook was your typical rich kid. Rye and I, and most of our friends, were more middle class.

There was a party tonight. School started tomorrow so tonight was everyone's last night of freedom. I considered asking Rye to take me home, but he was so excited when I came back to town that I would feel bad to just leave so quickly.

Rye parked the car where a crowd was. It was one we had left just moments before. They were waiting for an outcome on the race.

"Who won?" Asked someone I didn't know the name of.

"Totally a tie," Rye lied.

"Bullshit! We won and you know it!" Brook argued.

"If the cops didn't show up, you know I would've kicked your ass," Rye said.

"Shit, the cops?!" Someone asked.

"Uh huh, almost got arrested, talked the cop outta it," Rye said just to talk himself up.

I rolled my eyes and walked past him. Boys were such idiots.

"Hey, wait up!" Rye called after me and soon he was by my side.

"What, not done making yourself look totally badass?" I teased.

"Jeez, A, didn't realize you were gonna come back a total ass," he said with a chuckle.

"I speak the truth, that's all," I shrugged.

"You speak _bitchinese_ is what you speak," he said.

"That's not even a word," I commented.

"Oh really? And here I was thinking it was legit," he said sarcastically.

"Shut up," I said and went to hit him but his reflexes were too quick for me and he grabbed my wrist.

"Don't forget who the stronger and older one is, kiddo," he said and locked his arm around my shoulder in a tight grip.

"Whatever, you're a month older," I said and spun away, out of his hold.

"Doesn't mat..." he stopped as his gaze travelled away from me. "Look who's here."

I looked to where he was and inwardly groaned. I had a feeling Emma would be here, but I secretly hoped she wouldn't be. I haven't seen her since the break-up.

"Oh great..." I murmured.

The attention was on us because we just walked in. Naturally everyone looked, and so did Emma. Everyone else went back to their mingling, but not Emma. With a snooty little hair flick she cat-walked up to me. She was looking really hot tonight and I found myself feeling jealous of her figure and the cute clothes she wore.

"Andrew," she said bluntly with her hands on her hips.

"Hey, Emma," I said softly.

"How were your holidays?" she asked.

There was no hint of a smile on her face; just politeness. I knew Emma could be a little bit vindictive when she wanted to be, so I was on edge. I didn't expect her to be nice. I glanced at Rye who just shrugged.

"They were okay," I said as I looked back at the blonde beauty.

"Good," she said. Her eyes narrowed skeptically before she lightened up a bit with a small smile and a shrug, "So like, sorry for calling you a faggot by the way. Totes uncool of me. We good?"

At first I thought it was a little strange that she was apologizing to me, but then I remembered who she was. She was all about image and if she got on the bad side of the popular boys then that wasn't good for her. I felt bad enough for leading her on for so long, so I was in no position to reject her.

"Sure," I said with a nod.

"Awesome. See you at school," she said, and then she went off with her friends.

"Why'd you even break up with her? She's a total babe," Rye said.

"I dunno. Not my type, I guess," I said.

"Yeah, I bet," he muttered under his breath, but I heard it.

"What?" I asked, looking at him.

"What?" He feigned confusion.

I frowned at him, wondering what in the world he was getting at here, but he just smirked that charming smirk of his and didn't answer.

"You want a drink?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'll get one myself," I said.

"Alright, I'm gonna go catch up with Bianca, 'kay?" He asked.

"Mhm, just try and keep it in your pants, will you?" I teased.

He chuckled and ruffled my hair before going off. What I said was only a joke. Rye was a virgin, or at least as far as I knew he was. He could seem like a total player and he talked a big game, but really he just liked dating girls and fooling around with them, but he never went too far. I would have heard about it by now if he had.

I went off on my own to get a drink. As the party went on I realized more and more how I didn't want to be here. It was nice seeing everyone again but I felt so awkward getting asked about my holidays. I couldn't exactly tell them I spent them discovering who I was. I just had to make up some lie about how bored I was with my grandparents and how much I wanted to come home.

I ended up spending most the night hovering by Rye's side because he was such a talker and the attention was almost always on him. After a while it got a bit exhausting acting so fake all night, so I ended up grabbing a drink and going outside where it was quiet.

The moon was bright tonight. There wasn't a need to turn the porch light on. It was quiet here, sort of. Obviously I could still hear the thumping music inside and everyone having fun, but it seemed a mile away from my spot around the side of the house. I was sitting on the ground, watching the trees sway back and forth in the wind.

I sighed deeply and had a sip of the drink. The stress of the night was slowly leaving but it still loomed over my head. I felt like over the summer I made a lot of progress with accepting who I was and being able to act like myself, and now I felt like I had to be different because I was so scared of anyone guessing that I'm a girl. Maybe it would be better if they did. At least that way I wouldn't have to hide.

I was beginning to feel a lot more peaceful being secluded from the others. I had gotten into a bit of a trance so when the back door opened, I jumped in fright. I looked up and saw Rye coming through the door with little Bianca attached to his lips.

"Ahem..." I cleared my throat.

Rye pulled away from the girl and looked down at me.

"Oh, hi Andy," Bianca said brightly.

I gave a nod but hid my disgust with a smile. I didn't know what it was about public displays of affection that bothered me, but it did. Maybe it was just jealousy because I didn't have a boyfriend.

"Bianca, you wanna go get me a drink? I'm thinking some kind of juice and vodka mix. Surprise me?" Rye asked kindly.

"Okay!" she said sweetly.

She pecked him on the lips before she hopped off back inside. Rye shut the door before coming over and sitting on the ground next to me, leaning against the house.

"So, when did that happen anyway?" I asked.

"I needed something to do while my best friend was in another state," he said.

"And did you?" I asked.

"What?"

"Do her?" I laughed.

"Hmm no," he said with a cheeky smile. "She's too...nice, for that."

I rolled my eyes at him. Too nice for sex but he'll still lead her on. Then again, he tended to be upfront with the people he dates about what he wants from them. I wondered what exactly he wanted from Bianca.

I watched him as he took a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it. He inhaled deeply, letting the smoke infiltrate his lungs. I hated when he smoked. I didn't even ask him to stop. I just took it from his hand and put it out on the ground beside me.

"You're an asshole," he said.

"I'm just looking out for your health," I said.

"One cigarette like once a week isn't gonna kill me," he argued.

"It might," I shrugged.

"Whatever you say, doc," he said with a smile.

I smiled back before sighing and resting my head against the wall.

"Dude, you need a haircut," he said.

"Why do you care?"

"It's so long you're starting to look like a girl," he said.

"Is that really a bad thing?" I asked, afraid of the answer.

"Nah, I mean maybe you'll be able to pick up some lesbians," he laughed at himself.

I rolled my eyes, "You're an idiot."

He just nodded, accepting the insult. I had a drink while he lit up another cigarette, probably just to annoy me. I didn't argue with him about it this time. I had other things on my mind. Rye and I were alone, it was quiet, we had a chance to talk. All summer I considered telling Rye what had been going on with me and I figured it'd be easy once we were alone. I was wrong.

"You've been kind of quiet tonight. Don't tell me you actually miss Lamesville," he muttered the last part.

"It wasn't that bad," I shrugged.

"Considering you barely replied to my texts all summer, I figured you at least found something fun to do, or someone," he winked at me.

"Stop it," I said.

"Okay, but really, what's up?" he asked.

I shook my head. Now didn't feel like the right time to say anything.

"Come on," he urged and nudged my arm.

"Really, it's nothing. I'm just tired," I lied.

"Bullshit. What's wrong?" he asked again.

"Ryan!" I snapped.

I didn't mean to snap, it was just that he kept on pestering me and he was kind of a stubborn person who never wanted to give in, but he was actually annoying me now. He frowned and went to speak but he didn't get a chance because Bianca came back out with drinks.

"Got one for you too Andy," she said.

"Thanks, Bianca, but no thanks," I said and got off the ground, "I think I'm gonna head home."

"Andy-,"

"I'll see you both at school," I said with a fake smile.

I left them and went back through the house, avoiding everyone at all costs. I guess I wasn't ready for parties like this. It was hard to be so fake in front of so many people. I wished it wasn't so hard. I wished I wasn't so scared to come out and be myself, but I was. I couldn't even tell my own best friend about it.

I went outside to the front, making my way past all the cars. It was going to be a long walk home. I could probably call my dad, but knowing him he'd give me a breathalyzer test and I'd get in trouble for drinking. It was funny how drag racing wasn't an issue, but drinking was a big no-no.

"I get my best bud back after two months and you're already ready to go home?" Rye's voice came from behind me.

I turned to look at him. He had no cigarette, no Bianca, just his car keys hanging from his fingertips. I felt a little silly for being so dramatic, so I tried to downplay everything.

"Maybe the party scene isn't my thing anymore," I said.

"Isn't your thing? Dude, I have footage of you slutty dancing on a coffee table with Emma at the winter formal after party," he said as he came closer.

I guess he had a good point there. I did like the occasional good time.

"I'm just not feeling it tonight. You go back in and have fun though," I said.

"Hell no. We're only at this shitty party so we could hang out," he said.

"I thought you were here for Bianca," I said.

"She'll be fine," he shrugged carelessly.

I sighed deeply and when I realized he wasn't going to give in and leave me be, I gave in first.

"Okay, fine, now what?" I asked.

"My place or yours?" he asked.

That was how our weekend always ended up; sleeping over at each other's houses. That's how it was when we were younger, so now it was just a habit that was hard to break out of. Rye's parents treated me as their own and my dad treated Rye like he was, well, the son he never had.

So, Rye and I went to his house and hung out for the rest of the night, catching up on everything I had missed over the past two months.


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up with a start thinking something was wrong. I was on Rye's floor on a thin mattress I had gotten to know quite well over the years. I couldn't quite put my finger on the uneasy feeling I had until I looked at my phone and saw it was already eight in the morning. We were going to be late for school.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes from the sleep. I looked at Rye who was fast asleep on his stomach. His blanket had fallen off overnight, revealing the fact that he liked to wear as little as possible to bed and was only in his boxer-briefs. I grabbed my pillow and hit him with it.

"Hey, wake up," I ordered.

He groaned but didn't move at all. Sometimes waking him up was such a chore. There were days where I'd have to literally drag him from the bed until his body crashed to the floor, and then he'd be up and yelling at me.

"Get up, we're late," I said, getting off the floor myself.

"Late? For school? Oh how horrible," he mumbled. He rolled onto his back and looked up at me lazily.

"I'm gonna have a shower," I told him.

"Whatever. Don't use all the hot water. Mom will kill you," he said.

"I do what I want," I said and left the room.

I went down the hall to the bathroom. Thankfully Rye's parents weren't up yet, or maybe they were and were just somewhere else in the house. Either way, I didn't encounter them. Even though I had known them for as long as I could remember and they treat me as if I'm their own, I still feel like I'm imposing on everyone by being here.

I had a nice, hot shower, making myself feel fresh for the day ahead. I always liked the first day of school. Everything was so new. We would get new schedules and I could plan my semester around them. I couldn't wait to see what teachers I'd have and who were in my classes.

I wasn't, however, looking forward to the charade I'd have to put up of being the same old 'guy' that I wasn't. Perhaps I would just act like myself and let people make up conclusions for themselves. I didn't want to be the point of rumors or gossip though.

I got out the shower and headed back to Rye's room with a towel around my body. When I got back, he had his eyes closed, laying on the bed.

"I need a uniform," I said.

"Help yourself," he waved his hand dismissively.

I went to his drawers and opened the third from the top where his uniforms were. Rye and I went to a private school which had a strict dress code that included a uniform. A white button down top, navy blue bottoms and a navy blue tie was what was required of us to wear. I guess I didn't mind it that much but I would have preferred the girl's uniforms where their shirt fit snuggly to their bodies and a skirt, well, that was just out of the question for me right now.

I got dressed in front of him, but his eyes were thankfully still closed. I did it so quickly and under the towel. Even before when I hadn't accepted myself yet, I didn't like dressing in front of the boys at school in the locker rooms. It always made me uncomfortable.

"Get up," I told Rye again.

He groaned and waved his hand at me. It was nearing a quarter past eight. We had to be at school in fifteen minutes and it was a ten minute drive.

"Don't make me go get your dad," I threatened.

"Alright, quit nagging," he said as he sat up with a tired look.

His hair which went to a little below his ears was messy and sticking out in all directions. He stood up and trudged towards me. I stepped aside and he got out a uniform, throwing it on with ease before leaving the room.

I took my phone off the floor mattress because I had seen a text from my dad there earlier. He was asking me where I was. He knew I often slept here on weekends so he wouldn't have been worried about me, but I still texted him back saying I was sorry for not letting him know and told him I'd be home tonight.

Rye came back to his room after what felt like only a minute but he looked like he just stepped out of a modelling catalogue or something. How he managed that in so little time, I didn't know. I knew I looked like a mess, or maybe I looked fine, as a guy at least, but as the girl inside me there were so many changes to my exterior that I wanted and needed to make.

"Well come on then, we're gonna be late," he said with a little smirk.

I didn't say anything, just narrowed my eyes at him before getting my things and then we left.

* * *

Rye, Brook, Sonny and I stood in a circle as we compared our semester schedules with each other. I had a lot of friends, but these three were my closest, but I wasn't even that close with Brook and Sonny. In our little foursome, Sonny and Brook were closer in friendship, and Rye and I were closer. It worked well that way.

I analyzed the timetable. I had Gym with Brook. I had Biology, English and History with Sonny. I left Rye's until last, hoping I'd be in as many classes as I was with him last year. We had almost the entirely same schedule last year. This year though, we weren't in luck.

"Just calculus and performing arts by the looks of it," Rye nudged me.

I hid my disappointment and acted like I didn't care that much. At least performing arts was our first lesson of the day, so when the bell rang shrilly through the hallways, Rye and I went off on our own way to the arts department. I liked performing arts. Rye was a bit more skeptical than me but I convinced him to choose it as one of his subjects. I think he only did choose it because he thinks it's one of those classes you sit there doing nothing through.

We walked into class. The room wasn't an ordinary classroom. It was like a small theatre. There were rows of seats but no desks and there was a hardwood floor for performing on which took up most of the room. Rye and I sat up the back and watched Mrs. Williams as she stood at the front of the room, waiting for everyone to pile in.

"This class may be boring as hell but at least our teacher is hot," he said.

"Whatever you say," I mumbled.

"What, you don't agree?" he asked, cocking his head to the side like a curious puppy.

Afraid of making him suspicious of my lack of attraction to women, I quickly backtracked.

"Yeah, she's hot. I just don't feel the need to crush on a teacher," I said.

"Older chicks are hot though," he said with a smirk.

"And illegal," I pointed out.

"God, you're such a killjoy lately," he said.

His words ate me up more than they should have. He was only joking, but I realized I had become kind of bitter lately. I didn't mean to. I had just been feeling so stressed lately that it was hard to be cheerful and it was still hard talking to him like normal.

"Okay, quiet down!" Mrs. Williams said to the class. Her short orange hair bounced around as she scanned the crowd of students from left the right.

I checked out who we had in our class. Although I could name every student in class, there was no one from our group of friends, or at least from the guys. There was one person who walked in late though; Emma. She took a seat close to the front.

"Welcome to the new school year ladies and gentlemen," Mrs. Williams greeted us all, "This is your first lesson in the performing arts. Some of you may have been here for sophomore year, but you're juniors now so I'm going to expect a lot more from you all."

"Oh great," Rye muttered.

"You'll be fine," I whispered.

"Or look like an idiot. I have zero talent," he whispered back.

I just rolled my eyes at him and didn't answer. He did have talent. Everything he tried out, he'd somehow magically have a talent for. Perhaps he was just a quick learner or had beginners luck, but he was naturally so good at everything he tried. He was like the golden boy, whereas some of us really had to try just to pass.

"Sorry we're not getting into anything fun today. We'll be doing an overview of what to expect this semester, so take out your notebooks so you can jot some of this down because I will not be repeating myself, do you hear me Mr. Beaumont?" Mrs. Williams finished and the entire class looked back at Rye, including me.

He was looking at his phone and when he heard his name he looked up sheepishly before turning it off. I laughed quietly at him and he kicked my foot.

"What'd I miss?" he whispered once everyone turned back around.

"Notebooks out. She's telling us what we're doing this semester," I said.

"Can you take notes for me?" he asked.

"No," I said.

"Please? My fingers are broken," he lied.

"Shh," I hushed him as I got my own notebook out, or actually, it was Rye's since all of my things were at home.

"What kind of best friend are you?" Rye snapped jokingly.

I shook my head at him and turned my attention back to Mrs. Williams who was about to start talking.

"Okay, the semester will be split into three main modules; the trifecta! Singing, dancing and acting," she said.

"Dancing? Really?" Rye asked, a little too loudly.

"Yes, Ryan, dancing. Do you need me to speak louder or would you like to come sit down the front? Alternatively get your hearing checked," Mrs. Williams spoke.

"Why do I find bitchy girls so much hotter?" Rye said in a hushed tone, just for my ears.

For some reason the first thing I thought of was that maybe I should be more bitchy. It was a thought that came and went so quickly.

"First, singing; This will only be a small part of the semester. I will teach you techniques as best as I can. Some of you may be awful, some of you will be great. There are no fails in this class, unless you do not present something when assessment is due. You could sound like a dying goat but as long as you have taken on board my advice, you will at least receive a passing grade," Mrs. Williams explained.

"Sweet," Rye whispered, "I knew this class would be easy."

"Next, I will be teaching you ballroom dancing. You will pair up and be given a style at random and you will attempt to choreograph a piece yourselves and present it to the class," she said.

"Sounds gay as fuck," Rye murmured.

"Shut up," I snapped at him, getting annoyed now.

He looked at me with a frown before whispering, "Sorry."

I focused on what Mrs. Williams was telling us for the rest of the lesson about what our assessment would be like and what was expected of us. I wrote down notes while Rye drew a dragon on his page.

By the time class finished I was a little annoyed with him, but that happened often. He could be a total pain, especially if we spent too long of a time together. We did after all spend all last night and this morning around each other and he seemed to be in a mood where annoying me was his top priority. I'd get over it by the time we meet up again though.

I went off to my other classes, enjoying the lack of work we actually had to do, but really not enjoying just how many assignments I would have to do during the semester.

It was nearing the end of the day and I was about to go off to my last class; Calculus, when I ended up stopping in the middle of an almost-empty hallway. I didn't see what happened really, but all I saw a girl on the ground with books scattered around her, with Emma and one of her friends standing above her.

"You should really be more careful," Emma said and I could detect the fake tone in her voice easily.

The girl on the ground didn't say anything. She just began gathering her books.

"Later lezzo," Emma sneered before she and her giggling friend sauntered off.

She could be so mean sometimes. When I was with her I turned a blind eye to it, but now I was seeing just how awful she could be sometimes. I went over to the girl on the floor and crouched down to help her. She was lanky and had short, brown hair which covered her eyes as she didn't look up at me. One thing I did notice was that she was wearing the boy's uniform.

"Abigail, right?" I asked. Yeah, I think that was her name. She was in one of my classes last year.

"I prefer Jack, but whatever," she said and looked at me.

"Jack?" I asked. I must have been mistaken with her name then.

"Never mind. Thanks," she said and took the books from my hand that I helped pick up.

She stood up and walked away. My eyes followed her and for a moment I wondered if she was like me, if she was actually a he. I mean, I thought they were a girl, just a masculine kind of girl, or as Emma said just moments ago, a lesbian. It was an assumption I made and I suddenly hated myself for jumping to a conclusion.

Perhaps I was getting my hopes up though. Perhaps this Abigail, or Jack, was a girl and I was just making things up in my head in the hopes of finding someone in this school who was like me that I could relate to.

I soon shook it off and forgot about it before going off to my last class.


	4. Chapter 4

Bowling was one probably one of the lamest things my group of friends did. We went out one night because there was nothing better to do and we actually had fun so it became a tradition for all of us to go out together every now and again. I had actually become pretty good over the past couple of years.

I sat on one side with my team for the night; Rye, Sonny and Brook. On the other side were the girls; Emma, Bianca, Nicole and Amy. This was our main group of friends, except the guys and I were tighter with each other, and the girls were closer to each other.

I stood in my lane. Game one was almost over and I had to get a strike to beat the girls. The ball was barreling towards the pins before crashing into them, knocking them all over, every last one. I turned around with a wide smile as the guys stood up in cheered in victory. Rye ran over and picked me up in a celebratory hug.

"Oh yeah! Next game is on you, ladies!" he jeered, pointing at the pouting girls.

"I knew our secret weapon would come through," Rye said as he let me go and stepped away.

"Secret weapon? You know the only reason you losers win is because he's good, right?" Emma snapped.

"She's right, you know," I said to Rye.

"Hmm I guess you had to be good at something," Rye said to me with a teasing smile.

"I'll be good at kicking your ass in a minute," I said with a fake smile.

"I'd like to see you try," he challenged.

"Jesus you two are like an old married couple," Sonny interjected.

I looked at him, rolling my eyes, and then to Rye who had a strange look on his face. He shook his head before stepping back down to where the seats were.

"Whatever. I'm gonna get a drink. Anyone want anything?" I asked.

"Some fries?" Brook asked.

"Make that two! Please?" Bianca asked sweetly.

"Sure, anyone else?" I asked.

The others shook their heads and said no. I went off over to the food counter. It was busy here, which was surprising for a school night. The place was packed, and not only on the lanes but also in the surrounding food court. I guess everyone was still in summer holiday mode.

"Um, hi, can I get a bottle of water and like two large fries please?" I asked the worker.

"Sure it'll just be a couple minutes for fresh fries," she said.

"That's fine," I nodded and then they headed out the back.

I waited there patiently. I turned and leant against the counter. My gaze fell on my friends as they started up the next game. I smiled, feeling lucky to have people to hang out with. A few years ago back when we first started high school, it was only Rye and I. I had been so adamant to not make friends. I had been so socially awkward and was happy with just Rye and I, but he was a people person. He was a magnet to all social events so it was inevitable that we made friends and I didn't regret it. They were great people; even Emma was some of the time.

"Hi Andy," A voice came out of nowhere. I looked around and pretty much right in front of me was Abigail, or I guess Jack, at a table eating with a group of others I recognized from school.

"Hi," I said with a small smile.

"It's Jack, remember? You helped me the other day. Thanks, by the way," Jack said.

"You're welcome," I said and stepped towards the group. I was a little nervous with new people, but this Jack girl, or guy, I still hadn't figured that out yet, had such a warm smile that I felt myself relax.

"Having fun?" Jack asked.

"Yeah...yeah," I nodded.

"Looks like it. You got the A-team over there," They nodded to the group. I noticed the sarcasm and it threw me off a little.

"You don't like them?" I asked.

"Are you forgetting how we met?"

Oh right, Emma. I had almost forgotten it was her in that hall. She could be so nasty when she had an audience. She was a lot more relaxed when it was just the two of us.

"What are you guys up to?" I changed the subject. I looked at the others. None of them spoke up to me. I felt like I was the odd one out here.

"We're the gay-straight alliance from school. We try to go on a social outing at least once per week," Jack answered.

"Oh...oh...cool so, like, you're all...different, then?" I asked.

"Different? Andy, buddy, we're not different," Jack said.

I felt kind of dumb right now. I didn't know how to talk about this kind of stuff. I had never really spoken to anyone outside my group of friends before. I was actually really interested in this group. I didn't even know it existed. I didn't even realize there were enough LGBTQ people in our school to make an alliance.

Jack sighed, taking notice of my awkward manner and clearly realizing I wanted to know more. She began pointing at different people around the table.

"Gay, gay, lesbian, straight, straight, bi, straight, anything goes, nothing goes, gay, lesbian," Jack said and stopped, pointing to themselves, "Trans boy, just in case you were wondering."

I knew it was none of my business to know, but I was actually so relieved to have an answer. It wasn't because I could finally say 'he' or 'she' or 'they' in my head, and it wasn't because I'd know whether to refer to him as a boy out loud, but it was because I had just met someone who was like me.

"Cool," Was all I could get out. I wanted to hide my excitement. I wanted to stop myself from dragging Jack away and asking a million questions. Mostly my fear stopped me.

"So, what are you?" One of the girls asked. All eyes were on me and I felt the pressure.

"Um, I'm...I'm...nothing. I'm...straight. I'm a guy. A, uh, a straight guy," I lied.

"That's cool," Jack said.

"Yeah...cool..." I smiled.

"I think your stuff is ready," He nodded towards the counter.

"Uh huh, yeah, probably. Well, bye," I said nervously.

I stepped back, almost running into someone before turning around and going back to the counter. I paid for the food and my drink before turning back around and going to leave.

"Nice chatting," Jack said as I walked past.

I just smiled and kept walking back over to my friends who were well into the next game. I handed the food to Brook and Bianca before sitting down with a huff.

"What were you doing talking to them?" Emma asked as if I were in an interrogation room.

"They were just saying hey," I shrugged.

"People might get the wrong idea," she said like I was stupid.

"Maybe I don't care what people think," I said. Lie. That was such a lie.

"Yeah, not all of us are superficial," Rye teased Emma.

"Oh shut up, Beaumont," she said with a glare.

Emma got up and went to bowl. I sat there feeling a bit weird now. I looked over at Jack and the others. They were all laughing and happy, minding their own business. They've all come out, and they're happy. Or at least they've sort of come out. I didn't know about Jack. I don't think he necessarily made an announcement saying he was, well, a he. He just started dressing and looking how he wanted and people thought he was a lesbian. That was what I heard people like Emma say anyway.

Unfortunately, I don't think I'd fly under the radar if I suddenly started wearing skirts, make-up and did my hair all nice. It was what I wanted to do. Every morning in the bathroom I'd fantasize about just doing it but never had the guts.

I had been staring at the group and only snapped out of it when I noticed Jack looking back at me. He waved and I smiled back at him. I stopped when Rye nudged me.

"You're up," he said.

"Oh, right," I said.

The game went on. It was the last one we played for the night. I was a bit off my game, resulting in the girls winning. Soon enough we were all walking away from town to the nearby suburbs where most of us lived. I trailed behind a little, listening to the others talking and shouting to each other.

I couldn't help but feel a little sad about not joining in. I hated constantly feeling like anything I do or say might tip people off. It was stressful and that's why I distanced myself. Rye noticed and slowed down to my pace.

"I know you hate walking. Should probably drive next time, huh?" he said once he was by my side.

"I don't hate walking," I defended, "I just don't wanna get arrested for noise complaints by being seen with them."

"Since when were you a snob?" he asked.

"Since always," I shrugged.

For a few moments we were silent. I knew Rye well enough to know he was thinking about something, so all I had to do was wait patiently before he brought up whatever was on his mind, and without failure, he did.

"So, what's up with you and those people at the bowling alley?" he asked.

"Those people?" I questioned.

"You know what I mean. You friends with them or something?" he asked.

"I dunno. I was thinking about joining," I said. I was only half serious. I said it to see how he would react. I would never actually join, even though I wanted to.

"Why would you join a stupid ass club? School clubs are fucking lame," he said.

"It might be fun, interesting," I mumbled.

"Why? Why would you need to go?" he pushed.

"Maybe because I like guys," I said all too casually. It just slipped out. I wanted to say it, and I did, and now I wanted to eat my words back up.

Rye had stopped walking. I stopped too. The others continued, not noticing. I turned to look at him. He was standing there with a thoughtful look on his face.

"Kidding," I said with a laugh.

"I know," he said.

"Good."

"No, I mean I know you like guys," he said.

I didn't like this conversation. I didn't like it one bit. It was so out of nowhere and had my heart beating so fast. I was terrified and didn't want it to be happening, so I just rolled my eyes and shook my head at him before turning back around and walking.

"You're funny," I said dismissively.

"I've known you forever, Fovvs. You think I wouldn't have noticed?" he asked.

I stopped in my tracks again. Oh God, he meant this. We were actually talking about this. It was out there and I felt hot tears spring to my eyes but I kept them back. I turned back around to look at him. My eyebrows were furrowed together as I tried to keep everything in.

How did he know? I thought I had been so careful. He tilted his head to the side and his face softened when he saw the look in my eyes.

"Dude, it's okay," he said.

"There's nothing to be okay about," My voice shook, "This is nothing. I mean, I'm not...I'm..."

I had no excuses. I had always been a terrible liar when it came to Rye. It was easy to withhold information. I was very good at keeping things to myself, but it was hard to lie. God help me if Rye ever asks me if I'm a boy.

"Like I said, it's okay," he said.

"Don't tell anyone," I said quickly.

"As if I would," he scoffed.

I was feeling so uncomfortable right now. I felt exposed. I was always so afraid that Rye finding out would change everything. I feared he would start treating me differently. I thought he would be grossed out or something. He wasn't.

"Come on, let's go this way," he said as he came over to me.

He led me down a street the others weren't on. It would take a little longer for us to get home, but I appreciated him taking me away from the others. It was one thing for Rye to know and an entirely different thing for the others to find out. If they found out, everyone would. Rye could keep a secret.

"How long have you known for?" I asked him.

"It's not like I knew for sure. It was more that I got suspicious and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I mean, you always have been kind of feminine," he said.

"What?!"

"I don't mean that as a bad thing. You just have that vibe," he said.

I give off a vibe? I didn't even realize. Of course I gave off a vibe of femininity. I am a girl after all. I didn't like that he thought that just because I was feminine it meant I was gay. I didn't want to talk to him about it though. That would lead to a conversation I wasn't ready to have yet.

My hands were shaking. In fact, I think my entire body was. On the other hand, I felt myself slowly feeling a little more relieved. He was taking this really well. He didn't look at me in disgust like my worst nightmares pictured.

"I didn't mean to just out you like that," he said.

"Pretty sure I outed myself," I murmured.

"Bound to happen sooner or later," he said.

"So, like, you really don't have a problem?" I asked.

"Do you think I'd still be your friend if I did?" he questioned.

"I dunno...I just thought most guys would be grossed out," I said.

"Nah...wish you would've told me sooner though," he said.

"Why?"

"I dunno. I just like knowing things," he said.

"You're a gossip," I commented.

"Maybe a bit," he laughed. "Wait, so does this mean you totally think I'm hot?"

"Do you think Starbucks Sally is hot?" I asked him, speaking of a middle-aged woman from our local Starbucks who wasn't exactly the best looking person out there.

"Eww, no! What the hell, you're comparing me to Starbucks Sally?" he asked.

"I'm just saying, just cause I like guys doesn't mean I like all guys," I said.

"Do you still like girls though? Because I mean, you and Em..." he trailed off.

"No," I said quietly. I glanced at him to see his reaction.

"Does that mean I can go after her?" he asked.

I wasn't expecting that and honestly the thought made me uncomfortable.

"I don't care, dude. Do what you want," I said.

"Cool, because like, she's so hot," he said with a dreamy look in his eyes.

"Yeah, but, you might have your work cut out for you because I don't think she likes you," I told him.

"Nah, she wants me," he said confidently.

"Nah, I'm pretty sure she hates you," I said.

"She hates everyone. It's a bit of a turn on actually," he said.

"Right, good luck with that," I mumbled.

"I don't need luck. I'll have her begging to be my girlfriend in no time," he said. Girlfriend? Rye didn't exactly do the whole girlfriend thing, or at least not officially.

"Wow, girlfriend, huh? Someone's getting serious with his relationships," I said.

"Maybe it's about time. And then we'll have to find you a boyfriend," he said excitedly.

"You're an idiot," I rolled my eyes, shaking my head at him. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

"No really, I'm serious. I'd be the best wingman," he said.

"Right, sure you would be," I said sarcastically.

"I would! Come on, tell me, what kind of guys are you into?" he asked.

"We are not doing this," I laughed awkwardly.

"Let me guess. Spanish boys, am I right?" he asked with a wink.

I felt a blush creep up and I was glad it was dark because I didn't want him going around thinking I liked him or something stupid like that. I didn't answer him but pushed him away playfully.

The two of us walked the rest of the way back to my house where we would stay the night. We talked a lot and it was really nice to finally be able to not hide this part of myself. I felt a little better with him knowing, but despite that feeling, there was still that one other major thing that I was still too scared to tell him or anyone.


	5. Chapter 5

I stood in front of a poster advertising for the school's LGBTQ+ club. It was funny, these posters were all over the school and yet I was only just noticing them now. I didn't know why I was just staring at it. There was a meeting this afternoon. It wasn't like I was actually going to go, but I wanted to.

I shook my head and took a step away from the bulletin board. Even thinking about this was a bad idea. I kept going on my way down the hall to the cafeteria. It was lunch time and I spent so much time dawdling along that I was the last one of my friends there.

I saw Rye first. I had been so on edge around him in class today. I was worried he was going to backtrack on his whole being accepting of me thing, but he didn't. He acted completely normal, as if I didn't just tell him last night that I liked guys. It was like it was barely a blip on his radar.

"Hey," I said to the group as I sat down.

"Jeez, finally," Rye said.

"Umm?"

"Gotta ask you something," he said.

"Okay?"

"So, just confirming, you really don't mind if I ask Emma out?" he asked.

I was a little thrown off. I just sat down and already I was being bombarded with this question again. No hello? No how's your day been? Just straight to the point with wanting to ask out my ex-girlfriend. I could see how eager he was though.

"Like I said, I don't care. But, what about Bianca?" I asked.

"I'm not with Bianca," he shrugged.

"Does Bianca know you're not with Bianca?" I questioned.

"She stayed at my place last night," Brook interrupted. "Trust me, she knows."

"You're with Bianca?" Rye asked.

"Not really, she's just a bit of fun," Brook shrugged.

"So much for being too nice to sleep with," I said quietly to Rye.

"Whatever, are you okay with it or not?" Rye asked me.

"You can do whatever you want," I said.

"Thanks, Fovvler," he said gratefully.

With the greenlight, he got up with a smile, and without another word he went right over to where the girls were sitting. I didn't think he meant he was going to do it right now. Then again, Emma was a wanted girl. All the guys wanted to be with her and right now she was single so I guess Rye had to move fast.

"How can you be okay with that?" Brook asked.

"Same way Rye is okay with you and Bianca after they were together, and how Sonny is okay with you and Bianca. Actually, am I the only one that hasn't dated Bianca?" I asked.

"But seriously...you and Emma were together for ages," Brook said.

"She was just some arm candy really. Didn't mean a thing," I said so they would shut up already.

"I like your style," Brook said with a goofy smile.

"Mhm, that's me, stylish," I muttered.

I looked back over at Rye and Emma. He didn't care that he was blatantly flirting in front of the others. I didn't even need to hear him speak to know he was working his charms on her. It made me feel queasy.

"I'm out," I said, standing up.

"I knew it! You're jealous," Brook accused.

"I'm not jealous. You two are just really boring to talk to," I said with a fake, sweet smile.

"Jealous..." Brook said in a sing-song voice.

"So jealous," Sonny confirmed.

I rolled my eyes and walked away from them. They didn't know what they were talking about, but if they wanted to think I was jealous that Emma might move on, then fine, they can think that. It was better than them knowing I like guys.

The rest of the day went by uneventfully. After the last class of the day, calculus, Rye offered to take me home, but I said no. He left without any questions and I packed up my things slowly. I was stalling, mostly so I didn't have to make some kind of decision. I couldn't decide if I wanted to go to the gay-straight alliance meeting or not.

I stayed in the classroom well after the teacher left and the halls turned quiet. Now the only people left over were people staying for clubs. None of my friends were interesting in clubs. They thought it was a stupid waste of time, and I did too. The idea of a club was so cheesy and lame. I often made fun of people who went to clubs; only in my head though.

The thing was, this wasn't just about joining a club. This was about talking to people who were like me. The internet had such conflicting information and was mostly full of over-opinionated people giving you lectures. It was hard to find something genuine. I wanted to see what it was like talking to real life people who struggled with themselves like I was right now.

I left the classroom and made my way down the hall towards the classroom the meeting was supposed to be held in. It wouldn't hurt to just walk past, right? If I saw someone I knew I could keep on walking or I could say I was in the wrong room. God, I hated myself so much right now for being such a wimp.

I found the door and stood at it. I could hear a lot of talking and laughter coming from inside. All I had to do was open the door. I could sit down the back and listen in. But, if I opened the door then people would know about me. I could just say I was a straight ally. It wouldn't technically be a lie. I'm a girl, I like guys, so I'm straight. Would anyone believe me though? My own best friend wouldn't.

"First time?" The voice scared me so much that I stumbled away from the door and into the opposite wall.

"Woah, chill, dude," It was Jack. He put his hands up, silently calling peace.

"I wasn't going in there. I'm lost," I said quickly.

"Relax. I'm not gonna tell anyone," he said with a teasing smirk. Why did people like teasing me so much when I got all nervous and flustered? This kid reminded me of Rye in that way and I barely even knew him.

"Good because there's nothing to tell," I said adamantly.

"Clearly," he said sarcastically.

Okay, conversation over. I was so out of here. I turned and walked in the opposite direction. I thought I was free, but I wasn't. I heard his footsteps as he followed me.

"So, what are you really?" he asked.

"What?" I asked a little snappily.

I kept walking through the mostly empty corridors. Just a little longer and I would be outside.

"Gay, bi, pan, trans, asexual, etcetera, etcetera," he said.

I stopped and turned to him with my hands on my hips. I barely even knew him and yet he was getting all personal with me. I didn't even tell Rye who I really was but this guy thinks I'll tell him?

"I thought you were president of the club? Shouldn't you be back there?" I asked.

"You read our poster's fine-print to find out I'm the president?" he asked.

"Yes, I did. You didn't answer my question," I said.

"They can handle one afternoon without me. It's cold in here, wanna get some sun?" he asked.

"What?" I asked in confusion. That was so completely random.

"Great, bleachers?" he asked.

He walked past me towards the exit. I didn't even have a chance to answer him, but he was so confident that I would follow him. Honestly, I did think about leaving. My feet even started moving that way, but I stopped and my curiosity of talking to someone like me got the better of me and I ended up following him outside towards the football field.

This guy was kind of very demanding, and I saw that on his face when I got to the bleachers. He sat there with his legs on either side of the bench. He signaled for me to sit down. I looked around. There mustn't have been any kind of sport practice on because there was barely anyone around. I sighed and sat down next to him.

"You see this space?" he said and gestured the space between us.

"Yeah?"

"This is a cone of silence. Nothing you say leaves the two of us," he said.

I couldn't help but laugh as I shook my head. "I don't even know you."

"My name is Jack Duff," he said.

"Well I know that," I said.

"See, we know each other," he said.

I frowned and looked at him curiously, maybe even a little in fascination. He really did look like a boy. His hair was short, his clothes were like a typical boys, his chest was flat, his mannerisms and even the way he spoke was just like a guy. I mean, if I didn't know any better then I would say he was born a boy. I suddenly felt myself becoming jealous. I wish I could pass so easily too.

"So...are you really like...like a boy?" I asked nervously.

He narrowed his eyes, watching me in curiosity, studying and judging me just as I had done to him a moment ago. I felt like I was under a microscope and he was analyzing me.

"So that's it?" he asked.

"What?"

"The reason you were coming to the meeting, are you questioning?" he asked.

"This is ridiculous," I said, waving my hand dismissively.

"Look, I know you don't really know me, but I kind of pride myself on helping out newbies. I mean, do you have any idea how many LGBTQ plus people there are in this school?" he asked.

"I don't know? Like, just the ones you were with the other night?" I asked.

"There's a shitload more than that. They were just the ones comfortable enough with coming out. You just don't know about the others because they don't wanna be found and I can keep a secret," he said.

I didn't know whether I liked his up front in your face routine, or if I hated it. It wasn't often I spoke to people about my feelings at all and here was someone offering me that on a silver platter. Yet still, I barely knew him. He seemed warm and inviting and I wanted to speak to him, but still, I froze.

"Tell me about you," he coaxed in a softer tone.

"Nothing to tell..." I said.

"Really?" he said in disbelief.

I didn't say anything. I wanted to. I was scared.

"Alright, alright. I'm not gonna force you," he said and got up, "But the offer is there. I'll see you around, okay?"

I didn't know what to say as he walked away, just like that. I found myself wanting him to come back. I found myself regretting not talking to him like I wanted to; like I needed to. The thing was, speaking about it made everything so much more real. It wouldn't just be in my head anymore. It would be out there, even if to just one person.

I groaned in frustration and lay back on the bench. I had no idea what to do.


	6. Chapter 6

"Who's winning?" I asked my dad as I sat on the couch with the box of pizza I just went to pick up.

"Not us, that's for sure," he grunted.

He reached over and took some pizza for himself. It was Friday afternoon and watching soccer was pretty much the only thing my dad and I did together.

"How's your week been? Staying out of trouble?" he asked me. His tone was a little too robotic and polite for my liking.

"It was fine," I told him.

I glanced at him. He was facing forward. His eyes were glued to the TV. He was tapping his fingers incessantly against the remote control. Something was on his mind.

"What?" I asked him.

He looked at me with a frown and shook his head.

"Nothing. I didn't say anything. Watch the game," he said.

He was being weird, but I just forgot about it and watched the game while I ate my pizza. I took my phone out of my pocket. I texted Rye a little while ago to see what he was up to later tonight but hadn't gotten a reply yet.

I looked back up when everything went silent. Dad had turned the TV off and was looking at me. Now I was worried. For some reason I had it in my head that he was about to bring up my gender or sexual orientation or something like that. After all, he had been walking on egg shells around me lately because of that, so I was expecting a talk soon, but it wasn't that. It was worse.

"What's going on?" I asked cautiously.

My dad was a man of few words. He was socially awkward and that included when he was speaking to me. I watched him curiously and then he finally came out with it.

"I got a phone call from your mom today," he said.

Suddenly, I wasn't hungry anymore. I put the pizza back in the box and carefully closed it, pushing it aside. I took a deep breath and looked at my dad.

"She did?"

He nodded, "Yes. We had a long talk and...she wants to come back home."

"What?" I snorted. That was ridiculous.

"She wants to move back in," he said.

He was being serious. She actually called and wanted to come back. I hated my mom with everything in me. She abandoned us and I was fine with her leaving and staying gone. I never thought I'd see her again and now he was telling me she wants to come back?

"Well...you told her no, right?" I asked.

When he didn't answer, I knew that he didn't tell her no.

"You told her she could come back?!" I asked in shock.

"I told her we could try and work things out," he said calmly. Of course he did. He was a pushover.

"But...she left us..." I said.

"Everyone makes mistakes," he said.

"Mistakes? She left us so she could go around fucking her massage therapist!" I shouted.

"Watch your language, Andy," he scolded.

"Why?!" I stood up in anger, "It's true. She left her husband and her kid to screw around and live it up in California and now you're letting her come back? Just like that?!"

He stayed sitting on the couch while I towered over him. He kept his eyes off mine. I knew he was hating this confrontation, but I didn't care how uncomfortable he was. He couldn't do this.

"Andy...she is still my wife," he said calmly.

"Get a divorce!" I screamed.

"You'll understand one day when you're marri-,"

"Getting cheated on, abandoned and then accepting the slut back isn't something I would ever understand...fuck, dad, what the fuck?!" I yelled at him.

He finally stood. He was a good foot taller than me but I was standing my ground.

"She is coming back, and that is final!" He raised his voice, but I didn't flinch, not even a little.

"We've been just fine without her!" I said.

"You didn't hear her on the phone, Andy. She's sorry. She's genuinely sorry and she wants to come back to us. Give her a chance," he said.

"Maybe I would give her a chance if she ever bothered to call or text or whatever after she left! But she didn't! She just left and she didn't care that she'd never see me again! Don't you get that? She was so quick to cut all ties with us! We're her family and she didn't give a fuck when she left!" I shouted.

"And now she sees how wrong she was. Trust me, kiddo, she's sorry," he said.

"You just don't get it, okay. You don't know what it's like for your parent to just abandon you!" I screamed.

"Stop this, Andy. You are over-reacting," he said sternly.

"Fuck you!" I spat.

I was done. I was so out of there. I ran away from him but grabbed his car keys on the way out. I took his car and started driving, wanting to get away from him. I was just so mad. I was frustrated and upset. I couldn't believe he was doing this. I didn't understand.

When mom left, I was indifferent. I hated her, but I wasn't devastated over her leaving. She was there and then she just wasn't. I was content with that if she would just stay away for good. I accepted that she left and moved on, and now with her coming back I actually had to face just how much I hated her and I didn't want to. I wanted her to be a non-existent speck away from my life.

Then there was dad. He completely switched off when she left. Sure, he was always pretty quiet and didn't show many emotions, but when she left he would just sit there staring at the TV for days on end. He never spoke to me. He never ate. He spent time off work which he never used to do. It took him months before he got back to normal. Has he really forgotten the way she made him feel?

I hit the steering wheel in anger and let out a frustrated screech. I couldn't believe she was actually coming back. When would she? Was she coming back tonight? Tomorrow? All I knew was that I didn't want to be anywhere near her when she did.

I found myself circling around our neighborhood a few times until I settled on going to Rye's house. I needed to rant to someone or just have a distraction and Rye was perfect for that. He was my best friend. He'd know what I should do.

His house was within walking distance of mine, but since I stole my dad's car anyway, I drove there and parked out the front. His parents weren't home. Their car was gone, but Rye's was there.

I went up to the house and let myself in. Rye was like family to me so there weren't any boundaries. I always let myself in without a knock, and he did that at my place too. I was about to rethink that though when I went into the living room and found him on the couch, making out with Emma.

It was a sight that made me sick to my stomach in an instant. Rye had his shirt off and his hands all over her. I couldn't quite pin-point the feeling I had. I guess I was so upset over my mom and wanted my best friend to myself that seeing him busy with someone else made me jealous.

"Wow, that was quick moving," I muttered.

In a second Rye pushed himself off Emma and looked over at me. I just felt sick and I hated being this way because I felt like I was being irrational. I was having an emotional overload and just wanted to leave now, so I did.

"Um, you broke up with me sweetie! You don't get to be jealous!" Emma called out.

I rolled my eyes as I went out the front door. I marched across the front lawn and surprisingly, Rye had torn his horny body away from her to follow me.

"Andy, what the hell?!" he yelled after me.

"Just go back inside, Rye," I waved my hand behind me.

"You're acting like a chick," he grumbled. His voice was getting louder as he caught up to me.

"Good!" I snapped.

I got to my dad's car and opened the door, but Rye was quicker than me. He shut the door and when I turned to push him away, he wouldn't let me. He knocked my arm out of the way and stood in front of me, close, with each hand on each hand on either side of me on the car, not letting me run away again.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Nothing," I said, shaking my head.

"You said you're okay with this," he said, and he was right. I did say that, and I was okay with it. He could do whatever or whoever he wanted. I didn't care. I just didn't want him to do it right now when I needed him.

"I am. I don't care if you hook up with her," I said stubbornly.

His eyes narrowed as he analyzed my face. He dropped his arms and took a step away, now giving me an odd look.

"Wait...wait a second. I was only joking the other day when I asked if you have the hots for me...do you...?" he asked.

"Oh get over yourself," I almost laughed.

"Then what the fuck is your problem?" he asked.

My problem? My problem was that my life couldn't just stay steady for once. My problem was that this bitch who ruined my dad's life was coming back. My problem was that my best friend was hooking up with my ex and even though I said it was okay, it wasn't because she was my ex and it should have been an unspoken rule not to go there, but he knows I like guys so he thinks it's okay but I was still annoyed.

My problem was even though I was mad at Rye in that moment, I really wasn't because he didn't do anything wrong because I told him he could do it. I wasn't mad at him, I was mad at my mom and everything was piling on so much that I felt suffocated, like I was about to explode or at least bury myself out in the desert and never come back or something.

I turned away from Rye as I let out an unexpected sob. I hastily wiped at my eyes as tears began to spill out of them.

"Andy..." he said in concern.

"Just go away," I snapped.

But, he didn't go away. He came to my side, looking at my face. I turned away again.

"Alright, you're scaring me now. What'd I do?" he asked.

"God, you're so egotistical. Y-you didn't do anything," I said in a whining, crying voice.

He came around to the other side and stood in front of me. I covered my face and leant against the car. I felt like an idiot, but I couldn't stop crying. I was glad it was night time and it was too dark for the neighbors to see. I didn't even want Rye to see this.

"Whatever it is, it's gonna be okay," he said.

He put his hand on my shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. In that moment I really wanted him to hug me, like one nice, long, comforting hug, but then I realized that'd be weird for him to get all intimate and hug his male best friend and then I started crying harder because if I were your typical girl then it'd be okay, but I couldn't be that girl. Not yet.

"I promise, I won't touch her again," he said.

I turned to him with a glare and hit his arm.

"It's not about you, dumbass!" I said.

"Then what?" he asked in frustration.

I covered my face with my hands again and took a few deep breaths. I was being ridiculous. I could cry later at home in the comfort of my bedroom. I didn't need Rye thinking I was having a mental breakdown. Maybe I was though. I dropped my hands and looked at him. He was freaked out. Of course he was. I did just have a meltdown after all.

"My mom is coming back," I told him so he'd understand.

"Shit..." he whispered.

"Yeah...dad just told me," I said.

"Dude, I-,"

"Don't call me dude!" I yelled at him.

The second I saw his confused, hurt, puppy dog looking face, I regretted yelling at him. It was just that he called me dude a lot and right now I wasn't in the mood to just sweep it under the rug.

"Sorry...sorry, just go back inside and have fun. I'm fine," I said.

"No you're not. Why don't you come inside? We'll hang out," he offered.

"The three of us?" I scoffed.

"I can get rid of her," he said.

I shook my head. I just wanted to be by myself right now. I didn't have the energy for being around others.

"I'm gonna go home," I said and went to the driver's door, opening it.

"Fovvs, come on," he said.

"I'll see you at school," I said.

"Come over tomorrow," he said.

"Maybe," Was all I said before I shut the door and drove off.


	7. Chapter 7

I was in such a bad mood on Monday morning. I trudged into performing arts class late and got an ear-full from my teacher before taking my place next to Rye at the back of the room. He was staring at me, but I ignored him. I had a lot more important things on my plate right now that didn't involve worrying about what Rye thought of me.

I barely spoke to my dad for the entire weekend. I was still mad at him. My mom hadn't moved back in yet, but it was clear she was still planning on it. My dad asked me for her stuff back. I lied and told him I threw it all out, and then afterwards I did actually throw it out just out of spite.

I didn't see Rye for the weekend either. I told him I was busy moping in my room. He kept texting me but I didn't feel like talking. It wasn't just the stuff about my mom that was bothering me, it was my gender too. Having to hide who I was all the time was really stressing me out and I had only been back a week.

"Shh!" Mrs. Williams silenced everyone in class, "Today I will be taking you one by one to the studio to see what level your singing voices are. While you are waiting for your turn I want you to study up on the lyrics of your chosen song. I want you to analyze the song. I want you to pick apart the meaning and what it means to you. I don't care what the song means to the artist. I want you to take away your own interpretation. Half of a good performance is knowing what you're singing about, so get to it. Emma you're up first with me."

I watched Emma with a scowl on my face as she got up and went with Mr. Williams into the other room. The moment the class was unsupervised everyone erupted into chatter, including Rye.

"How you doing?" he asked me.

"Fine," I snapped.

When he didn't speak, I looked at him. He sighed and shook his head before getting out his notebook. I felt bad. I was taking my anger out on him and he didn't deserve it.

"Sorry," I muttered, "that wasn't aimed at you."

"Uh huh," Was all he said, like he didn't believe me.

Great, now he's giving me the cold shoulder. I got out my notebook where I had written out the lyrics of the song I chose. I always found the words stuck in my head easier if I wrote it out. I glanced at Rye. He still wasn't talking, which was unlike him. He was usually speaking non-stop.

"What song did you choose?" I asked him.

He looked at me then back down at his book. I thought he was going to ignore me but his lip twitched into a cheeky smile

"Pony by Ginuwine," he said.

"What?!" I laughed, "You can't sing that."

"Sure I can," he shrugged.

"There's no way Mrs. Williams will let you get away with it," I said.

"It'll turn her on so much she'll be begging for me to sing it to her again," he said.

"Oh eww...eww..." I groaned.

"I'm kidding, but it'll be hilarious," he said.

"Or you'll get expelled for, like, sexual harassment," I said.

"Chill. I know she'll flip and won't let me do it. It'll just be funny to try," he said.

"Whatever. What's your back-up?" I asked.

"I want you to want me," he answered.

"Okay, you can probably get away with that one," I said.

"Uh huh. What emo shit did you choose?" he asked.

"The Ocean by Tonight Alive, and they're not emo," I argued.

"Totally are," he said.

I rolled my eyes and shook my head at him. I felt a little better now that we were talking. I was afraid my break down the other night would've weirded him out, but he was talking to me like normal again.

"Show me," he said and took my notebook from me.

I tried to get it back but he held it away as he read the lyrics. I didn't know why I chose the song. I guess it was one of my favorites to sing along to in my room and it had been in my head lately. The lyrics weren't light and fluffy like Rye's song choices were though. I was a little embarrassed to see what he'd think of it.

"Give it back," I said and reached over him to try and get it.

"Just wait a sec," he said and pushed me back.

I huffed and crossed my arms over my chest. He read the lyrics all the way through and when he was done he just looked at me.

"Are you done?" I snapped and took the book from him.

"Told you it's emo," he said.

"No it's not. It's...listen, just learn the lyrics to your dirty humping song," I told him.

"Wow you really are grumpy today, aren't you?" he said teasingly.

"Yes," I nodded quickly.

He didn't answer. He was quiet. Finally. It didn't last very long though.

"So...your mom..." he said cautiously.

"The she-devil?" I questioned.

"You still pissed?" he asked.

"Of course I am. What kind of stupid que-,"

"Would you cut it out? You're being a real dick lately," he said in a harsh whisper.

He was right. I sighed and slouched down in my chair.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry. It's not you. There's just a lot...just never mind. I'm sorry," I said.

"What has been going on with you lately? I get it, you're pissed that your mom is coming back, but is there something else? Did something happen over Summer?" he asked.

It ate me up so much inside not being able to just speak freely to him about everything else that was going on with me. I could see it slowly forming a wedge between our friendship. He knew me well. He knew when I was keeping things from him and he could sense that something was wrong, but I wasn't ready to talk to him.

"It's just my mom. That's all," I lied.

He sighed, "Alright, if that's what you're going with then alright."

He went back to staring at his own notebook. I felt awful, purely awful. I wanted to speak to him but I was so scared. I turned away from him and focused on my work to get my mind off things.

Class seemed to drag on, especially with Rye sitting there next to me, obviously annoyed. He went off to sing a bit of his song for Mrs. Williams and came out quicker than the others with a detention slip in his hand. Mrs. Williams wasn't exactly one for any bullshit.

The class period ran out of time before I got a chance to sing, which I didn't mind since I wasn't in the mood for singing. I wasn't that good at it anyway and I preferred practicing alone, not that I practiced singing often. I wasn't that great at it.

Rye and I went our separate ways to our own classes. I was zoned out most of the morning. I was scared that I was ruining my friendship with Rye by keeping secrets. I wanted to act normal around him. I was determined to. Although, my idea of normal didn't include being myself. I'd just have to fake it.

By the time lunch time rolled around, I was in an even worse mood than that morning. I headed towards the cafeteria, dreading having to sit with my friends and put on a smile. I began to look for any reason not to turn up, and I found one.

I saw him, Jack, heading towards the cafeteria too. I thought about him a lot lately. I was struggling with how to deal with who I was. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to handle the people around me and he was the only person who could shed some light.

"Jack!" I called out.

He had been walking on his own. He spun around, confused at first and then smiled when he saw me.

"Oh hey, there's my favorite straight cisgender boy," he said teasingly.

I stopped walking towards him and shifted from foot to foot nervously. He knew. I don't know how he figured it out, but he knew that I wasn't all that I seemed. Maybe he was some kind of LGBTQ superhero with magic powers where he could detect people that were different.

I didn't like how he was so upfront. I didn't like how he was a know-it-all, but a know-it-all was exactly what I needed now.

"Can we talk?" I asked him.

I looked around at the surrounding people. None of my friends were in sight. No one took any notice of me. Why would they though? Was I really that paranoid that I thought people took note of every move I made and every person I spoke to?

"Sure, outside?" he asked.

I nodded. I turned and headed for the large double doors that led to the football field. Jack followed after me. I made my way to the bleachers where we talked last time. There were a lot of people out here. It was lunch time, after all. The large number of people just meant we blended in to the background.

I sat on the bleachers with my legs crossed and he sat by me. I kind of hoped he would just come out and say exactly what he thought of me so I wouldn't have to say it, but he didn't. He sat there patiently, waiting for me to speak.

"Okay...so..." I paused, "God, this is stupid. I barely even know you."

"So?"

"So...why do I feel like talking to someone I barely know about my life?" I asked.

"Because I'm warm and cuddly and people trust me," he shrugged.

I frowned in annoyance. He was right. He did have that warm and cuddly thing about him.

"Whatever it is, spit it out. I don't have all day," he said. "Actually, I could have all day if you needed it. I live to give, my friend. Tell me what's up."

I was wary. Of course I was cautious. I was so desperate though and I needed someone to talk to who would understand and Jack was all I had.

"Alright, but you can't say anything to anyone. I mean it. Who do you think they're gonna believe anyway over the two of us?" I said.

"No need to get all threatening," he said defensively.

"Okay...I'm sorry it's just...I don't know, I've never, like...I've never spoken about this to anyone before," I said quietly.

"No one?" he asked.

"No...and I don't know why I'm choosing a stranger," I mumbled.

"Warm and cuddly, remember?" he asked with a smirk.

"Right," I said, and I felt a little calmer with his joking.

"So...?"

"So..." I stopped, thinking, "Um...okay, well...you're a guy."

"Yes..."

"And you used to be a girl..."

"Sure," he laughed a little.

"Well, like...how did you know?" I asked.

"Same way you know you're a girl," he said.

My comfort levels were decreasing.

"Is it really that obvious?" I asked.

"No. It wasn't until the other day when we were sitting here that I thought about it," he said.

"Right..."

"Do you actually want to talk about this or?" he asked.

"No," I snapped, "Well...yes...you're the only person I know who's like this."

"Fair enough. Is there anything in particular you want to ask?" he questioned.

"Umm...yeah. How did your friends react when they found out?" I asked.

"They were great. Really supportive. They're not friends if they aren't. Anyone who acts like a dick you just gotta cut out of your life," he said.

The thought of cutting Rye out of my life terrified me. I didn't want to be forced to do that.

"Did they treat you differently?" I asked.

"Some of them, yeah, but it wasn't a bad different. They started treating me like a boy," he said.

I nodded slowly. I wondered what it'd be like to be treated like a girl.

"Are you worried about that Rye guy you hang out with?" he asked.

I nodded again, "Yeah. But, like...he knows I like guys and he's cool with it so, like...I don't think he'd have a problem with this, but still..."

"I get you. I never thought my parents would have issues with me, but they do," he said. "People's attitude towards you can change at the flip of a switch."

"This isn't helping," I muttered.

"Do you want me to lie to you or what?" he asked.

"No..." I grumbled.

"Good. So, are you planning on coming out?" he asked.

"No. God no. I..." I stopped and sighed.

"I know it's scary as hell at first, but you'll feel a lot better once it's over with," he said.

"What does it feel like?" I asked.

"Freedom," he answered. "I never came out to the whole school because I don't care what they think of me, but when I came out to my friends and family I felt like I could finally be myself. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown and coming out saved me."

"Really?" I asked hopefully. The way he spoke with such a bright smile on his face was so promising.

"Really," he confirmed, then he frowned. "But it's different for everyone. I don't want you to take my experiences to heart. I mean, I'd hope it'd go well for you too, but you never know."

"Well that's reassuring," I said sarcastically.

"It's all about attitude," he said.

"Yeah well I have an awful attitude lately. I'm just grumpy all the time and I think Rye's starting to hate me for it," I said.

"Grumpy? Why?" he asked.

"Just stressed...I hate everything...I don't know," I shrugged.

"It's probably because you're keeping everything bottled up," he said.

"You sound like a psychologist," I said.

"I'm no psychologist," he smiled, "but maybe you should talk to one."

"I'm not crazy," I shook my head quickly.

"I know. Crazy people aren't the only people who see shrinks. They can help you deal with shit better than I could. You should probably see a doctor too if you're thinking about transitioning," he said.

"Transitioning?" My head spun. "I don't want surgery. I mean, cutting off my...no, no, no..."

"You're such a newbie. There's a lot of options you can take. Haven't you googled this?" he asked.

"Not really. I've tried to avoid it mostly," I said.

"Why?"

"Scared," I said honestly.

He looked at me curiously.

"Have you ever gone out as a girl? Like, I know you're a girl, but like, have you ever, you know, dressed up and stuff?" he asked.

"Only at home," I said.

He smiled with a twinkle in his eye, "What are you doing this weekend?"

"Um...nothing," I said, thinking about it.

"We're gonna go out," he said.

"We are?"

"Yep. We're going somewhere where you can be yourself and not be judged," he said.

"To where?" I asked.

That grin of his became mischievous.

"If I tell you, you'll try and get out of it. I'll see you later, I'm fucking hungry," he said randomly as he stood up.

He gave a wave and I sat there kind of confused. I watched him go off back to the school building, and when I did look up, I saw Rye by the doors, watching me. I got up and went over to him.

"Oh, hey," I said casually.

"Hey, why are you speaking to that kid? You friends or something?" he asked.

"Umm," I thought about it, "Yeah, I guess. Maybe."

"Oh cool. That's cool," he said.

"Yeah, it is," I nodded with a smile.

"You coming to lunch?" he asked.

"Did you come out here just to look for me?" I asked teasingly.

"No, I was just in the neighborhood," he shrugged.

"Mhm," I said in disbelief, giving a small smile, "You have attachment issues."

"No I don't," he denied.

"Sure you do. Can't go five minutes without me," I joked.

"Can too. Du-..." He caught himself, "You left me with Brook and Sonny. They're morons."

"You can't survive without me," I said.

"Whatever," he said and we went to go inside, "Hey, what are you doing this weekend?"

There was no way I could tell him I was hanging out with Jack, because then he'd start asking questions that I didn't want to answer. I didn't even know how I could answer. I had no clue what Jack had planned. I didn't even know if I would accept his offer. I barely knew him.

"Uuh, well...I'm going out, like, with my dad. We're going out. Father-son bonding night, ya know?" I stuttered out. I was an awful liar.

"Your bonding nights are Fridays," he said.

"Change of plans because he has work," I said.

"Right, fine, I guess I'll just hang with Emma...I mean, not Emma. I'm not doing that anymore," he corrected himself.

"You can keep seeing Emma. I'm serious, I don't have a problem with you two. I was just upset over my mom the other night," I said.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Positive," I nodded, "you can hook up with her all you want."

"And you're not gonna flip out on me again?" he asked.

"I will if you keep on asking if it's okay," I said threateningly.

"This is why you're my best friend. I swear I'm gonna repay the favor and find you a boyfriend," he said.

"Don't be ridiculous," I shook my head at him.

"I'm being serious. I'm gonna find you a guy, and you're gonna get laid," he said.

"Um, excuse me? You're a virgin and you're out to get me laid?" I asked.

"I can get sex whenever I want," he said cockily.

"I like guys, Rye. Guys like sex. Guys are desperate for sex. All I'd have to do is walk up to a guy and ask," I said as if it were the easiest thing ever.

"Suddenly you're Mr. Confident?" he asked.

"I could be," I said.

"You wanna put your money where your mouth is?" he asked.

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"I'm talking about, we make a bet. If I lose my virginity first, you give me one hundred bucks, if you lose it first, I'll cough up the money," he said.

"What is this, some cheesy high school movie from the nineties?" I asked.

"What, scared of a little competition?" he teased.

"I'm not scared," I said defensively.

"Then do we have a bet?" he asked.

"Fine, deal," I said as my competitive side got the better of me.

He stopped walking in the hall and so did I. He held his hand out for me and I shook it. It was a stupid bet and it wasn't anything serious. I talked a big game but I had never had a boyfriend before so the chances of me having sex was slim. And Rye? Well, he had so many opportunities to sleep with people but never went through with it. I was sure he had some sort of stage fright.

"Pleasure doing business with you," he said.

"Uh huh, oh and Rye, just wondering, do you have any idea how I managed to stay in a relationship with Emma for so long and not have to worry about sex coming up with her?" I asked.

"How?"

I giggled, knowing I now had the upper hand, "Oh darling, she's hell bent on waiting until marriage."

"What?!" he practically spat.

"So, good luck with that," I shrugged.

"You're lying," he said.

"Nope," I said simply and contained my laughter.

"Well I'll just have to work my charms on her then, won't I?" he said.

"I guess you will," I said, secretly confident that he'd fail with her.

"And if that doesn't work, there are plenty of other fish in the sea," he said.

My smiley mood went away and the thought of him dating around to find a girl to have sex with didn't sit well with me. I didn't know whether he was being serious or just joking around and I never got the chance to ask him because he went off towards the cafeteria, leaving me there wondering if this bet was really a good idea.


	8. Chapter 8

Doctor Styles was the second person I admitted out loud to about being a girl. Only two people knew for sure, and yet I felt like everything was unravelling quickly. The only thing that kept me calm was knowing that he legally wasn't allowed to say anything to anyone. I was his patient so he had an obligation to keep my secret.

He was a kind doctor. Jack recommended him to me. I heard horror stories on the internet about how some doctors treated transgender people so horribly, but Doctor Styles had the utmost professionalism, and I guess it was a bonus that he had a really cute smile that made me feel at ease.

"How long have you been feeling this way?" he asked me.

"Since Freshman year, I guess...that's when I started thinking about it," I said.

He nodded and typed some notes into his computer. I tried to have a look but when he looked up at me I sat back quickly.

"Did you have any kind of clue before that?" he asked.

"I don't really know. I never used to think about it until then," I paused, "Do you think I'm too young to know this? Sometimes...I don't know, sometimes I think I'm just going through a phase," I told him, feeling ashamed.

"People can start questioning their gender at any age. Parents have brought me their children who are as young as six years old who are saying they're a boy when they were born female. Your age is quite common for this, actually. As for this being a phase, well, that's something I can't answer for you," he said.

I nodded and looked down at my nails as I picked at them.

"Have you spoken about this to anyone else? Anyone else know?" he asked.

"I've only told Jack. He's a patient of yours, and um, that's it. My dad and grandparents kind of know but not really," I said.

"Are you close with your parents?" he asked.

"Mom, no. Dad, kind of...I mean, our relationship isn't bad. He's just not one of those...like, warm and cuddly people," I said and I thought of Jack who was the opposite.

"Have you thought about talking to your dad?" he asked.

"Sometimes," I shrugged.

"And what about any close friends?" he asked.

"Well there's Rye. He's my best friend. He doesn't know," I said.

"Have you thought about telling him?" he asked.

"All the time. I just don't want things to change between us," I said.

"Do you plan on coming out soon?" he asked.

"I don't know. I'm kind of scared, but, I kind of want to just get it over with too," I said.

"Okay, well, don't feel pressured to do anything you're not ready for. First and foremost is yourself and your own mental health. Sometimes people need to ease in to such a big change," he said.

I nodded, not knowing what to say. I didn't really felt like I needed to talk to a doctor about what was going on with me, but Jack said if I wanted to do any kind of physical transition then I needed to see a doctor as soon as I could, and that was why I was here. That was also the next thing he brought up.

"Have you thought about your options for transitioning?" he asked.

"A bit," I said simply.

"And?" he urged.

"Well, I don't want surgery, I don't think. At least, not yet," I said.

"I'm gonna get a bit more personal here," he said, "How do you feel about your physical appearance. More specifically your genitalia."

My cheeks reddened. I knew that he was a doctor and talking about these sorts of things was his job, but I couldn't help but be embarrassed.

"Uh, I...I, um...I mean...it's okay," I said.

He smiled at me a little teasingly, "I only ask because some transgender people hate what they've been born with, or it depresses them, but some have no problem whatsoever."

"Oh, right. Well, I don't really...I don't really know. I mean, I don't hate it, I don't love it. It's just...there," I said timidly.

"And what about the rest of your body?" he asked

"Well...I wish," I stopped and as I thought about it, I found myself getting emotional, "I wish I looked like a girl. I wish that I could look in the mirror wearing the clothes I want and having them fit like any other girl would have...I want to be...pretty. I want to be the way I feel on the inside."

He nodded along as I spoke. Thinking about how I didn't look how I wanted to on the outside made me feel so uncomfortable. I usually tried to push it away and not think about. I felt stupid how much my appearance meant to me. I felt shallow because some days all I would think about is make-up, doing my hair nice and wearing skirts and tighter fitting shirts. I wondered what it was like to have boobs and it hurt knowing I may not ever get to that point.

"Okay, well there are a lot of things you can do to achieve looking how you feel. A lot of it you won't need my help at all with. A lot of it comes down to you taking that leap in coming out and then you can start treating yourself and your image as a female. There are also other options like hormone replacement therapy which could have a lot of benefits, but also some risks. I have this pamphlet to give you more detailed information," he said and opened one of his desk drawers.

He dug through the drawer before handing me an information brochure about HRT. I had a feeling I would go home and do a lot of googling about it.

"Thank you," I said gratefully.

"You're welcome. Now, something that I very strongly recommend is seeing a psychologist or therapist before making any serious decisions. I actually require it if I'm going to start you on HRT. I also require you to be one hundred percent committed to living life as a female before you start," he said.

"Okay," I nodded.

This was all a lot to take in. I had a lot to think about now and I didn't really want to see a psychologist, but if it meant I was a step closer to being myself, then I would do it.

"You seem a bit overwhelmed. I think we'll leave it at that for today. I want you to read up on your options. Maybe go online and do some research. I can give you a referral to a psychologist too if you want and then you can see me again after to discuss further?" he asked.

I sighed but nodded, "Yeah, that'd be great, thanks."

Dr. Styles did the referral for me and I left after making an appointment. I surprisingly felt so much better as I walked away from the building. For so long everything had been in my head and I felt stuck. Now, it was like I had a goal to work towards. At the same time, it was so daunting. Change wasn't something that a lot of people dealt with well.

I shoved the pamphlet Dr. Styles gave me into my bag and got out my phone as I walked. School had just finished. I skipped my last class so I could come to this appointment. I didn't tell Rye so I was inundated with texts from him asking me where I was.

'I was at the dentist, sorry!', I answered simply. I felt bad for lying. I really had to hurry up and work up the courage to tell him.

'Where are you now?' he texted back.

'Walking home', I replied.

'Be there in a sec', he sent back.

Thankfully the dentist was in the same complex as the doctor so I wouldn't get caught out in a lie. I wasn't walking alone for much longer until Rye pulled up beside me. I got in his car, happy not to walk all the way home.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

"I gotta fill you in on everything I do now?" I asked with a laugh.

"I had to go to calculus by myself. I would've skipped if I knew you wouldn't be there," he said.

"Exactly, which is why I didn't tell you. I'm just looking out for your education," I said.

"Uh huh, how's your teeth?" he asked.

"My what?"

"Your teeth? Dentist appointment?"

"Oh, yeah, they're good," I said.

"Sweet. You wanna come over this afternoon?" he asked.

"Yeah, why not?" I shrugged.

"Don't try to sound too happy to spend time with me," he said and when I glanced at him I saw a cheeky yet charming smile.

"I'm always super happy to spend time with you," I said sarcastically.

He just smiled and we drove the rest of the way to his place. His parents were home, so we went straight to his room to keep out of their way. He still had my floor mattress out. He never put it away because I spent so much time here so it was easier to leave it out.

I flopped down on it and looked at the ceiling with a deep sigh. He stepped over me and landed on his bed on his stomach. I looked over at him. He had his eyes closed as he relaxed.

"Stop staring at me," he murmured.

"I'm not," I said quickly.

"Don't worry," he said and opened his eyes as he smirked. "You can stare if you want."

"I wasn't staring," I rolled my eyes and looked at the ceiling.

"Yeah you were. I don't blame you. I'm hot," he said.

"No you aren't," I said just to tease him.

He propped himself up on his elbows and looked down at me curiously.

"Oh really?" he asked in disbelief.

"Really, really," I said.

"Okay, I'll bite. What do you think is hot?" he asked.

"Hmm...well, my dentist was pretty hot today," I said, thinking of Doctor Styles. Rye didn't have to know he wasn't actually a dentist.

"Psh, whatever," he muttered.

He rested his chin on his hand and kept looking at me. Now he was the one staring and I felt a little self-conscious under his gaze.

"What?" I snapped.

"Just thinking," he said.

"About?" I asked.

He smiled, and I knew that smile. That was the smile he did when he was about to tease me about something or embarrass me.

"Have you ever made out with a guy before?" he asked.

"No..." I said cautiously. That was a little out of nowhere.

"So...how do you know you like them?" he asked.

"I just do," I said simply.

"But how?"

"Before you had your first kiss, how did you know you were into girls?" I asked.

He frowned as he thought before answering, "Good point."

"Thank you."

He kept looking at me. Even when I tried to ignore the looks, he just kept looking. I sighed, rolling my eyes at him like usual.

"What is it?" I asked.

"You ever gonna have sex with a dude?" he asked.

"Oh God," I groaned.

I grabbed the pillow under my head and put it over my face instead.

"Why are you freaking out? We always talk about sex," he said.

"That was before when it was about girls," My voice came out muffled through the pillow.

"And now I'm showing you that I'm totally cool with you being into guys. I'm being supportive, Andy. You should try it sometime," he said.

I huffed and took the pillow off my face. I looked at him with a glare.

"I'm supportive," I said.

"Then why don't you ask me about my love life, huh?" he asked. Truth was, I didn't care about his love life. I never wanted to know the details. It was something that made me uncomfortable, and not just with him, but with everyone.

"Fine," I said, and feeling like a smart-ass I copied his question before, "Have you ever made out with a guy before?"

"Now you're being an idiot," he said. He lay back down on the bed and rolled onto his back.

"No I'm not. Are you saying the notion of a boy like yourself kissing another boy is idiotic? That's homophobic, Rye. I think you're homophobic," I said jokingly.

"You're right, I am homophobic. Get outta my house," he said and waved his hand dismissively.

"Shut your face," I snapped.

He turned his head towards me and smiled. I actually really did appreciate that he was so cool about talking about this. He was only off about one thing though. I wasn't gay. I was a girl, and I liked boys. I was straight, or at least that logic made sense to me. I knew a lot of people would think otherwise. He couldn't be homophobic towards me. Transphobic though? That was something I didn't want to find out.

All this talk about sexuality had me curious about Rye. He always spoke about girls and only girls, but I had been questioning myself so much lately that I wondered if he questioned himself too.

"Have you ever wondered if you're into guys?" I asked.

"Only once, but not really," he answered quickly.

I don't think he realized he just said that until after it was said because he cleared his throat awkwardly. I sat up in interest and looked at him.

"Wait, seriously?" I asked.

He sighed and shook his head, "Not really. I had a fleeting moment of lapse in judgement one time for like a second."

"When? Why? How? Tell me!" I said excitedly. I guess I liked a bit of gossip sometimes.

"It's not that interesting," he said.

"Sure it is. Tell me," I said, knowing full well that I was being annoying.

"You really wanna know?" he asked.

"Yes!"

He propped himself up on his elbow and looked at me. I watched him back, completely curious. I was so impatient waiting for an answer and for a while all he did was look at me with his eyebrows furrowed together in concentration before he answered.

"Thought Dave Franco was hot in a movie once," he said.

"Seriously? Why is it that girls can think other girls are hot and not question themselves but if a guy thinks another guy is hot it's suddenly 'oh no, I might be gay?" I asked.

"Because, I dunno," he mumbled.

"Because society is dumb. That's why," I said angrily.

"That it is," he said with a smile.

I lay back down, thinking about what Rye told me. I think I got my hopes up a little bit and he was going to give me an actual story about him questioning himself like I had questioned myself, but I guess I should have known he'd make a joke out of it.

"So Dave Franco is your type then, huh?" I asked with a giggle.

"Jealous?" he winked.

"Oh yeah, totally!" I said sarcastically.

"Told ya," he said and rolled off his bed and onto me, landing on me so I grunted in pain.

"Ugh, do you have to?" I groaned.

"Mhm, and don't worry, you'll always be the cutest guy I know," he said and quickly kissed my cheek playfully before pushing himself off of me.

"Gross," I muttered and wiped my cheek.

"Asshole. You want a drink?" he asked.

"Water," I nodded.

He straightened out his clothes before leaving the room, and then I was alone. The kiss on the cheek was something that happened so quickly and was so casual that at the time I didn't think a thing of it, until I did. He never did something like that before and as I lay there thinking about it, I wondered if he only did it because he knows I like guys and was messing with me.

I frowned as that thought crossed my mind. I thought back more and realized he was being extra flirty this afternoon. He wasn't being serious. He was just messing around, but it was different to usual. I was so afraid of him treating me differently after finding out I like guys, but this wasn't a 'different' that was really bothering me. It was just odd and I wasn't sure what was going through his head.

"Whatever," I whispered to myself and once again grabbed the pillow and covered my face, sighing in frustration.


	9. Chapter 9

"Andy...you know I'm taking you out to be yourself, right?" Jack said.

"Yeah?"

I didn't know what he was going on about until he looked me up and down. I glanced down at my clothes. It was what I would normally wear out. It was all I had really. I got what he meant now. I was still dressed like a boy.

"I know," I sighed, "It's just that I've never gone out in public and, you know..."

"That's okay. We'll figure it out when we get there," he said.

"And where exactly is 'there'," I asked.

He just smiled and said, "Let's go."

"Where could we possibly be going at ten at night?" I asked.

"Okay, fine," he gave in, "We're going to a club."

"Like a club club?" I asked.

"Yes, like a club club, for people like us," he said.

"You're taking me to a gay bar?!" I asked in shock. I shouldn't have been shocked. I didn't know why I hadn't thought of that before.

"Yes," he said simply, nodding. "A really good one in the middle of the city."

"Don't we have to be twenty-one?" I asked.

"Not if you have a fake ID," he said and handed me a card that was sitting on his desk.

I took it from his hand and sure enough there was a picture of me with a fake birthday and fake name. It looked legitimate.

"Where'd you get this picture of me?" I asked.

"Year book," he said.

"We're gonna get in trouble," I told him.

"No we aren't," he said.

"My dad's a cop, ya know?" I said.

"Listen," he snapped in frustration, "are you gonna come with me or not?"

I chewed on my bottom lip as I thought about it. The only reason I was being a pain was because I was really nervous about doing this, but I did actually really want to go.

"Yes, I'm gonna go," I gave in.

"Sweet. Just gonna go to the bathroom and then we'll go," he said and then he left the room.

While he was gone I got my phone out to check my messages and noticed one there from Rye.

'Still bonding with your dad? I'm bored,' Was what he sent.

I felt so guilty for lying to him. I kept telling myself it was okay though, because this was something I had to do. I felt like I had to go out with Jack and I wasn't ready for Rye to know yet. Or, maybe I was. I considered for a split second to invite him out with us. I wanted my best friend by my side, but my fear of his reaction kept me holding back.

'Yeah but I'm sick. Gonna go to bed,' I texted back.

'K loser, night,' he sent back, and that was it.

I turned my phone on and shoved it into my jeans pocket. Jack was quick to come back and then we were off, headed to the city.

* * *

I wasn't quite sure what I was expecting the club to be like. I had naively thought maybe it was just a group of people mingling and drinking, but it wasn't like that at all. Hundreds of bodies packed the floor, dancing and rubbing up against each other, most of them drunk.

I was overwhelmed, but in a very good way. Surrounding me was girls with girls, boys with boys, drag queens, people like me, people who were just different to what society wanted you to be. These were people I barely saw in real life and had almost convinced myself didn't really exist.

Jack came up to me with a blue colored cocktail and handed it to me. I smelt the vodka straight away.

"Just because I'm designated driver doesn't mean you can't have fun," he said.

"Thanks! How'd you find out about this place?!" I shouted over the music.

"Friend of a friend. Let's dance," he said and took my free hand.

He led me further onto the dance floor as I drank my drink. The atmosphere here was so electric. It made my nerves wash away in a matter of no time, and pretty soon I didn't care how much of an idiot I looked like when I danced. I was just having so much fun.

I felt a new kind of freedom here that I had never felt before. I wasn't constantly fearing about people finding out about me. Even though I was still dressed like a boy, I was myself, and I was so grateful to Jack for bringing me here.

Jack and I danced, and laughed, and danced some more. We were out on that floor for ages but I didn't feel exhausted. We were in the middle of all these other people so it wasn't strange to have people knocking against you, but I felt someone deliberately hold my hips.

I turned around quickly, a little startled, and when I did the guy ran right into me, spilling both mine and his drink all over me.

"Damn it," I muttered.

"I'm so sorry!" The guy shouted over the music.

I looked up at him. He was really tall, with wavy brown and the first thing I noticed was how handsome he was. I stumbled over my words and didn't manage to get anything out. Instead, I went past him towards the bathrooms.

There were a couple people already in here. I went past them to one of the sinks and went about washing myself off. My shirt was stained now. I knew I shouldn't have worn white.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you," A kind voice said.

I looked up and saw the guy who had run into me. Handsome was an understatement. I felt like I would melt if I kept looking at his face. Oddly though, he looked kind of familiar, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

"It's okay. Accidents happen," I said with an awkward smile.

"Especially when people sneak up behind you, right?" he said with a chuckle.

"Right," I nodded.

"My name's Will, by the way. What's yours?" he asked.

"Andy," I answered.

"Tell me, Andy, how'd you get past security?" he asked.

I couldn't help but giggle. Did I really look that young? I guess I did.

"Fake ID," I admitted, "Wasn't my idea. It was a friend."

"Uh huh, so how old are you?" he asked.

"Nineteen," I blurted out. It was a total lie, but it just came out. This guy was clearly a little older and he was just so damn hot that I felt like lying was necessary.

At that moment, the door opened and in walked Jack with, well, a gothic drag Queen.

"Andy, there you are. This is Ariadne. Ariadne's got some dry clothes for you," Jack said.

"What?"

"Clothes, honey. If you're gonna embrace your gender identity, it's time you get outta those rags," This drag queen, Ariadne, said.

"Gender Identity?" Will asked.

Great, just another person who knew, not that it mattered. I wouldn't see this guy ever again.

"Yes," I sighed, "I'm a girl."

I looked away from him, not bothered to see his reaction. I felt good saying it out loud though. I was using it as practice. If only telling my friends was as easy as saying 'I'm a girl'.

Ariadne walked up to the counter and dumped the contents of a plastic bag on it. My eyes widened as I looked at the clothes. Green and black corset? Fishnet tights? A pink feather boa? Mini skirt? If I wasn't overwhelmed before then I definitely was now.

"You just got a whole lot more interesting," Will said.

"No, no, I'm not interesting, and I'm not wearing this. I'll look like a stripper," I said.

"You'll look hot," Jack said.

"Agreed," Will commented.

"Who even are you, fuckboy? Get outta here," Jack snapped.

My jaw dropped at the way he spoke, but looking at Will I saw him smirk, not bothered by Jack's tone. Instead, his eyes were on me.

"See you on the dance floor," Will said, and then he left the bathroom. The other people had gone too, so for now it was just myself, Jack and Ariadne.

"Anyway, let's do this," Jack said in excitement.

"But-,"

"Andy...just give it a try. If you don't like it, you can take everything off before going back out there," he said.

I looked between him and the drag queen. This was ridiculous, but I guess it couldn't hurt to let them dress me up. It might actually be fun.

"Alright, okay...go for it," I said.

For the next ten minutes I was like Ariadne's own personal mannequin. They dressed me and wouldn't let me look in the mirror, but as I looked down at myself, a smile crossed my lips. These clothes were so much better than my mom's. They even did my make-up for me. I asked for subtlety. I was a little wary since Ariadne's make-up was very much packed on and too over the top for my liking.

When they finally let me turn back to the mirror and look at myself, I couldn't contain how happy I was. I huge smile was printed on my face. The corset gave me the figure I always wanted. The skirt and fishnets looked hot. I never thought I'd be so narcissistic, but I looked hot. I felt hot. And the make-up, well, it made me feel pretty.

"I look..."

"Damn fine, girl," Jack said.

I laughed a little. I felt like I could cry. I was being stupid, I knew that, but to know that it was possible for me to look how I felt had me feeling so emotional.

"You ready to go out there?" Jack asked.

I was unsure. It was an amazing feeling to see myself like this, but was I ready to go out there? I looked at Jack.

"No one out there knows you. Let's go have fun," he said and extended his hand for me. I looked at Ariadne who gave me a reassuring nod.

"Okay," I said, feeling brave.

Jack smiled and took my hand, then we left the bathroom together, back out to the club. He led me back to the dance floor. No one even took any notice of me. It was like I blended in with everyone else. It wasn't a big deal. I smiled at Jack and he smiled back.

Soon, we were jumping around and dancing again, having fun. Will, the guy from before, was quick to find me again. Jack gave a disapproving look, but I waved him off and turned to the guy. It was just so nice to get the attention of a guy.

He put his hands on my hips and pulled me closer as we moved in sync to the music. I glanced over at Jack who was with some girl. This was so unbelievable. I couldn't believe we were doing this. I couldn't believe I was dancing so freely with this guy.

I looked back at Will to see that his eyes hadn't left me for even a second. They were watching me so intently and he had this cute smile on his lips. I looked away shyly. He wasn't having any of that though. He brought his fingers to my chin, making me look at him again, and then he kissed me.

All the air left my lungs. I didn't know what to do. I had just met this guy, but in this environment it seemed like the right thing to do was to kiss him back. It was a messy kiss, fueled with lust because really, what else did we have? I didn't even know this guy.

When he pulled away and saw my surprised, lost face, he smirked and let go of me.

"See you around," he said with a wink.

"Wh...but...I..." I couldn't speak.

He left me there on the dance floor feeling all hot and confused. I sighed deeply and looked around for Jack. He was still with that girl from before. I guess Jack was into girls, or both, or more, I had no idea. I had a feeling he didn't care about who he was with.

I left the dance floor, feeling a bit dizzy. I went up to the bar and asked for a water which the bartender gave to me quickly. I sat there on one of the high stools and drank it. I couldn't believe I just made out with a stranger. Maybe I was drunk.

I looked back out to the dance floor. Everything was so bright and, well, glittery. I was covered in glitter. Confetti and glitter canons exploded from the roof while we were dancing and now it was all over me. It would take forever to get it all off, but I loved it anyway.

After a little while, Jack came and found me. He was with Ariadne who handed me my bag of old clothes and my phone that I left in the bathroom. I thanked her politely and offered to go get changed so she could have the clothes back, but she said I could keep them, which I was more than happy to do.

"What's with you and handsy over there?" Jack asked, talking about Will.

"He wasn't that handsy," I lied, "I mean, it's a club. People get horny at clubs, right?"

"Uh huh, I didn't think you'd be the type to play tonsil hockey with a stranger though," Jack teased.

"It just happened," I said with a shrug and giggled as I thought about it.

"You having fun then, clearly?" he asked.

"I am...thank you, thank you really, for bringing me here. It's so...just...wow," I said, speechless.

"You're welcome," Jack said proudly.

"And thank you, Ariadne. I've dressed in women's clothes before but never looked like this," I said.

"My pleasure..." Ariadne said and paused, "What's your name again, kid?"

"Andy," I said.

"Andy? Psh, that's boring. When you're here, your name is... Glitter, because girl you sparkle and shine...and you're covered in it," she laughed.

I couldn't help but smile. I felt so hyped up. I was having the time of my life and making friends with a drag queen who gave me a nickname. This was definitely not what I thought I would be doing when I woke up this morning.

"Listen, I hate to be a killjoy, Glitter," Jack said with a smile, "But I gotta get home before my parents freak."

"Okay, that's okay. I'm ready," I said and slipped off the stool.

We said our goodbyes to Ariadne and then we left the club. It was so much quieter outside, even though the street outside was packed with either people waiting to go in, people leaving, or people just hanging out in the quiet. I was feeling so on top of the world, when all of sudden it all got pulled out from underneath me.

"Andy?!" A shrill, shocked voice said.

My heart stopped. I knew that voice. I turned around and standing there with a bunch of people I didn't recognize, was Bianca from school.

"B-Bianca...What are you, um, why are you here?" I stuttered out.

"My cousin is a total lez. It's her birthday. Why are you...what are you..." she stopped, looking me up and down. Her eyes went wide and her jaw dropped, "You're...oh my God!"

"Bianca, please!" I begged.

"I knew it! I always knew you were a little girly!" she exclaimed.

Fuck. That was the only word going through my head right now. I didn't know what to do or say to make this better, so instead I just turned around, grabbed Jack and got the hell out of there.


	10. Chapter 10

Being found out was exactly how I imagined it would feel. My heart was racing and my head was pounding. I felt like crying. It was like my entire world just imploded and nothing would be okay again. I could barely breathe.

"What am I gonna do?" I said for the hundredth time.

Jack must have been so bored of me by now. We were at his house, in his room, and I had just been freaking out ever since we got here. He was calm. Of course he was. This wasn't his life that was turning out to be a mess.

"Listen to me," he said firmly, "you need to calm down. It's just one more person that knows."

"You don't know Bianca, though. She's the biggest gossip in the entire school," I told him.

"I know she is, but I dunno, maybe she won't say anything?" he said.

"Are you high? She thrives off this kind of thing. She'll say something. She probably already has. Oh God..." I groaned.

Jack, who had been sitting on his bed next to me, got up and got his laptop, opening it up. Was now really the time to surf the internet? I was almost having a heart attack here. I covered my face with my hands. I couldn't help but cry. Everyone was going to find out about me and the image they'll have is me looking like a hooker at a gay club. That's what Bianca will tell them all.

It was like all control was taken away from me. I had a plan about how I was going to come out, sort of. I guess I always had it in my head that I'd wait until after high school. Now was too soon. It was way too soon. Then again, a small part of me was kind of glad Bianca knew. I was so tired of hiding myself, but I'd rather hide myself than have some gossiper out me.

"Jack I can't breathe," I told him. There were too many things going through my head.

"Yes you can," he said and put his hand on my back, rubbing circles soothingly.

No, I couldn't. I didn't know what to do now. Everything was about to change and I had no say in it.

"She's gonna tell everyone I looked like a freak or something," I said.

"You looked hot," he said.

"This isn't helping," I said.

He was quiet for a moment and I heard him typing. I looked up, seeing him on Facebook.

"Facebook? Really, Jack? Facebook!? You took me out to that stupid club and this is all your fault and you're on Facebook?!" I yelled at him.

"Nuh uh, do not blame me," he said, "But look at this."

I looked at the screen. It was just Facebook. I didn't know what I was supposed to be looking at.

"What?"

"There's nothing about you on here. Don't you think if Bianca said something then it'd be all over here? Don't you think you'd have a million text messages by now?" he said.

I checked my phone and didn't see a single text. He was right. Bianca hasn't said anything yet, but that doesn't mean she won't at all.

"She'll probably wait to do it in person," I said.

"Or maybe she won't at all. You should talk to her," he said.

"Nope. No way," I shook my head.

"Give me your phone," he said and he didn't wait for me to give it to him. He just took it.

I watched him as he typed away. I looked over his shoulder. I was too much of a mess to know what decision was right or wrong, so I let him make the decision and his decision was to text Bianca. He asked her to please not tell anyone.

"She won't listen. We're barely friends. She doesn't care what I want," I said.

"I think you're over-reacting," he said.

"You're over-reacting," I snapped.

He smiled and shook his head, "That made no sense."

"Shut up," I cried and fell back on his bed.

I curled up into a ball and clutched a pillow tightly to my chest. How was I even going to go to school on Monday with people talking about me behind my back? I wouldn't even get the chance to explain to everyone who I really am. They'll think I'm a drag queen or a cross-dresser. They won't get it.

"Would it really be the worst thing in the world if people knew?" he asked.

"Yes."

"But you can handle it. I know I barely know you, but you seem strong. I mean, people will find out eventually and I know you wanted to wait, but maybe we should just rip the band-aid off now and get it over with," he said.

It was all so scary. I couldn't stop thinking about Bianca and what she would tell everyone.

"Has Bianca replied?" I asked.

"No."

"She's probably too busy telling everyone about tonight," I muttered.

He sighed and I felt the bed shift as he moved closer to the wall. I hated that pretty much the first time Jack and I hang out, I'm sulking. I couldn't help it though.

"What if you beat her too it," Jack suggested.

"What?" I asked.

"What if you tell everyone before she tells everyone. That way you'll at least get your say," he said.

"I can't," I shook my head.

"I'll do it with you," he offered.

"I can't, Jack. I just can't," I said.

"Okay, I guess your only other option is to wait and see if Bianca tells anyone or not," he said.

I didn't say anything. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. So I had two options; wait and see what happens, or tell everyone for myself. Both ideas had me trembling. I didn't want to sit here and wait for the aftermath of Bianca's inevitable gossiping. I didn't want people making assumptions about me. I also didn't want to come out to everyone. The thought of coming out was so bittersweet. On the one hand, I knew there would be a lot of negativity, but on the other I would finally be free and I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore.

I weighed up my options. I went through them over and over again in my head. I was probably laying there for an hour just thinking, and in the end I decided I just wanted it to be over. Bianca hadn't messaged me back. I was filled with anxiety over it and just wanted it to stop.

I sat up and looked at Jack who was still sitting there, doing something on his computer. He looked at me expectantly.

"You'll do it with me?" I asked.

"I will. I mean, everyone pretty much knows about me anyway, but I've never told them all," he said.

This was insane, but I didn't want to wait around for Bianca to say anything. I didn't want people thinking I was something I wasn't. If I was going to come out then I wanted people to get the right story and I wanted them to take me seriously. Even though I wasn't ready, I kind of was. I was ready to stop hiding, but it didn't make this any less terrifying.

"Okay, how do we do it?" I asked.

"Well," He stopped to think, "Maybe a video? I mean, you could always make a Facebook status but people might think you're joking or got hacked."

I nodded, "Okay, I guess a video might be okay. You'll be in it too, yeah?"

"I'll even speak first," he said.

I was so nervous, but at the same time a little relieved to be taking this into my own hands as best as I could.

"Okay, okay fine, let's do it," I said.

"Alright, but go wash your face. You look like a panda," he said with a smile.

He actually made me laugh a little. I got up and found my way to the bathroom which was right next to his room. I looked in the mirror. I was still in the clothes from the club. I had the feather boa around my neck. I thought about taking it all off but decided against it.

My hands were shaking as I washed the smeared make-up from my face. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this. Everything was about to change. School would never be the same. My friendships would probably change. Then, there was Rye. His reaction I was scared of the most.

I got back to Jack quickly. I just wanted to get this over with and then go home and deal with the consequences on Monday. I went and sat on the bed next to him. He already had the webcam on his laptop set up.

"You ready?" he asked.

"I have no idea what I'm gonna say," I said.

"You don't have to make some speech. Just get right to the point. Say what you need to," he said.

Right, straight to the point. I guess I could do that. What was I supposed to say though? 'Hi, I'm Andy, and I'm a girl?' Would anyone even take that seriously? I had no idea, but I had to figure it out fast.

"Okay, I'm pressing record," he said and then he pressed the button.

We were both in frame and for a moment I was just completely frozen, but then Jack started to talk and his hand found its way to mine, holding it comfortingly.

"Hey, so, Jack and Andy here. We just have something we need to tell everyone and I hope y'all realize it's fucking 2024 and we don't have time for anyone's narrow-minded bullshit," Jack started. I smiled a little. He certainly had a way with words.

"Okay, you guys have probably caught on by now, but I'm coming out and saying that I am a boy. I'm not a lesbian like a lot of you think and my name is not Abigail. I am Jack and I am a boy. That's all you need to know," Jack said.

He stopped speaking and looked at me. Wow, by 'straight to the point' he really did mean 'straight to the point'. Now was the time. It was the time I finally came out to everyone.

"Uhm...hey, Andy here. I just, um..." Oh God this was going bad, "I just need to tell everyone that...I am...I'm a girl."

Silence. Was I expecting people to talk back to me? Was I expecting shouts of hatred? I had no idea. I felt like I had to say a little more though.

"Yes, I was born a boy and yeah I know that a lot of you are gonna be confused, but I'm a girl. I'm a transgender girl. That's what I feel and that's what I know and I really hope that everyone can still treat me the same, even when I start looking different to what you're used to," I said, and that was it. I couldn't say any more.

I looked at Jack who looked back at me with a smile before looking back at the video.

"Okay, well, see you all on Monday," he said with a smile and then ended the video.

I let out a deep breath. That felt a lot better to say out loud than I thought it would.

"Should I post it?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, please just post it quickly before I change my mind," I said.

"Okay, okay, chill out," he said with a chuckle.

I stood up and started pacing around the room. I just did that. I could not believe that I just did that. It was done. It was over. Hiding myself was officially over. What was I going to do now? Could I finally start dressing like a girl? Should I buy a girl's school uniform? Would that be too weird? It wasn't to me, but it might be to everyone else.

"Is it posted?" I asked Jack quickly.

"It's uploading," he said.

I just nodded and kept pacing around, probably annoying the hell out of him, but he didn't say anything. After a few more minutes he looked up at me with a smile.

"Done," he said.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yep," he said and turned the laptop around so I could see.

The video was posted. It was on the internet for the world to see. I didn't want to see any comments. I went over and closed his laptop then sat on his bed.

"Now what?" I asked.

"Now, nothing. Now you just take things day by day. It's freaky now, I know, but it'll get better. People will get used to it," he said.

"Really?" I asked.

"Really, really," he said. "Now I'm tired as fuck. You staying, or?"

I actually wanted to leave. I wanted to be alone and I knew I'd be a total downer for Jack if I stayed here, so I refused his offer.

"No, thank you. I'm gonna go and hide in my room until Monday," I said as I stood.

"Okay," he laughed, "I'll give you until Monday, but you're not hiding away from that. Do you wanna come to my place Monday morning and we'll face it all together?"

"God, yes," I sighed.

"Sweet, I'll see you then," he said and got out of bed.

"Thanks for tonight. Despite everything, it was actually a lot of fun," I said.

"You're welcome. You gonna be okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, I think so?" I said, a bit unsure, but I gave him a smile anyway.

He stepped forward and pulled me into a tight hug. I felt so lucky to have someone like Jack who understood what I was going through, and even though he was the same age as me, he was so wise and so comforting. I just wanted to hug him and never let go because I was so thankful. I probably wouldn't have gotten through this if it wasn't for him.

Jack dropped me off home and I walked up to the house on my own. I was feeling utterly exhausted. Too much happened in one night. My coming out video was out there on the internet and had been for about twenty minutes now. I refused to look at Facebook. I didn't want to see what people thought. Hopefully they'd all forget by Monday.

I went inside. It was so late at night so I was a little surprised the lights were on. I was too tired to even care right now. I just wanted to go and get in bed. I walked down the hall towards my bedroom and stopped when I heard my dad call my name.

"Andy, can you come to the kitchen please?" he said.

I stopped in the middle of the hall. I just realized I was still wearing my clothes from the club. My dad pretty much already knew about me. The video was online. He was bound to get a call or something from the school once they find out, so I might as well tell him now.

I did as I was told and went to the kitchen, and when I did I stopped in my tracks, because sitting there, leaning against the counter with a cup of coffee in her hand, was my mother. She looked more shocked to see me than I was to see her. I knew she was coming back, but I didn't know it would be tonight. I was expecting to be filled with hatred or something, but instead I barely felt a thing seeing her there.

She looked older now, or maybe that was because she had gotten a tan which didn't agree with her skin tone, and her blonde hair was whiter than white. But, she was still my mother, yet at the same time a complete stranger.

"I'm gone for a few months and come back to see this?" Were my mom's first words to me. That was what she had to say after abandoning me?

I didn't answer her. I looked at my dad who had his usual emotionless, hard exterior on, although his eyes showed warmth and sympathy.

"Dad..." I paused, taking a breath, "I'm a girl."

I watched him, waiting for a reaction. He nodded. He knew. Of course he knew, but now he was certain and the nod was one that said it was okay. I didn't need to explain myself to him any further.

"Goodnight, dad," I said, and then I left the room.

I went to my bedroom, shut and locked the door, then collapsed on my bed. I did not need my mom to be here right now. There was too much going on that I had to deal with and she was right at the bottom of that list. I was going to ignore her existence until I was ready.

I sighed and took out my phone. I had a few texts. One from Sonny, a couple from Brook, a giant 'WHAT THE FUCK?!' from Emma, and one other text which was the only one I bothered to read right now and it was from Bianca.

'Don't worry, I won't tell. xxx' she said.

I turned my phone off and stared at the ceiling, hating everything.

"Fuck."


	11. Chapter 11

"Oww! Oww oh my God oww! Stop, stop!" I begged Jack.

He stopped and gave me his best 'not impressed' look. He held a waxing strip in his hand covered in my leg hair. My leg was stinging in pain.

"You're wearing a skirt to school. Do you really want hairy legs?" he asked.

"Girls are allowed to have hairy legs. I will not be suppressed by the patriarchy," I argued dramatically.

"You're the one that asked me to help you!" he argued right back. He was right. I did want this but it was so painful.

"Okay, but it hurts," I groaned.

Without warning he quickly ripped off another. I yelped in pain and fell back on the bathroom floor, covering my eyes. God, this sucked. Why did I think this would be a good idea?

"Suck it up, princess. I've already started, now I gotta finish or you'll look stupid," he said.

"Ugh, fine, just do it quickly," I said.

I sat up again, leaning back on my arms. I tried not to cry out with every wax strip he pulled off, but that was easier said than done. It was a good thing his parents had already left for work. With each strip he pulled off, I become more and more numb to the pain. It hurt so bad that it didn't hurt at all. I should've just settled for shaving.

"So..." Jack started, "Have you been online yet?"

"No...have you?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said simply.

"What's everyone saying?" I asked.

"It's the internet. It's pretty much what you'd expect from people on the internet," he said.

"So they're all being awful?" I asked with a sigh.

"Not everyone. I think people are mostly shocked more than anything. They'll get used to it though and it'll all become old news," he said.

"I hope so," I murmured. I just had to get today over with and then it'll be fine.

"Have you spoken to Rye yet?" he asked.

"No...I've got a million texts from like everyone but nothing from him. Do you think he hasn't seen the video?" I asked.

"The only way he hasn't heard is if spent the weekend in a remote cabin in the woods and never looked at his phone," he said.

That was unlikely. Rye was always up to date with what was happening on social media. While he didn't necessarily engage in it all, he still checked Facebook at least three times a day. There's no way he wouldn't know by now.

"He hates me," I said in defeat.

"You don't know that," he said.

"Then why hasn't he messaged me?" I asked.

"Have you messaged him?" he questioned, raising his eyebrows.

"No."

"Why?"

"Because..."

I was just scared. I was scared of his reaction and trying to avoid it for as long as possible. Jack didn't say anything. He just kept waxing my legs. I lay back again and tuned out from what he was doing.

I wish I could go back to the summer holidays where it was just me at my grandparent's house. There was no drama. No anxiety. Now I had to deal with coming out to the school, my best friend hating me, and the fact that my mother was back.

I didn't tell Jack about her. It wasn't something I liked talking about. I only told Rye about my family life and right now I guess we weren't speaking. I also wasn't speaking to my mom. I barely left my room all day yesterday, even when my dad called out for me a dozen times. I just turned up my music and didn't budge.

"Okay, I'm all done," Jack said with a relieved sigh.

I sat back up and looked down at my now hairless legs. They were bright red and even scattered with blood droplets.

"They look like they're sunburnt!" I shouted.

"Well it was your dumb idea to do it on a Monday morning," he said.

He got up, wet a cloth and knelt back on the floor, dabbing it on the small bit of blood. He then handed me a bottle of Aloe Vera and I covered my legs in it, soothing them.

"Ugh, maybe I should just wear my normal uniform today," I said.

"Uhm, no. If you go into school looking like you usually do, then those brain dead morons won't take the video seriously. They'll be confused," he said.

He was right, so I nodded and mumbled a 'fine' under my breath. He smiled and got up, leaving the room. I looked at my legs and while I loved the look of them without hair, it still looked like a disaster. Jack came back shortly with his old 'girl' school uniform.

"Wear these," he said and tossed a pair of white knee high socks at me, "It'll cover the red."

Most girls at school wore the knee high socks. It was actually part of the school uniform, but a lot also decided against wearing them. I didn't really like it, but I guess today I would have to if I wanted to cover up my red, raw legs.

"You can use my mom's make up too if you want. I'll leave you to it," he said and then he left the room.

I stood up and looked at the other clothes he left on the counter. I couldn't believe I was actually doing this. I knew I would get a lot of stares from a lot of people, but I had to do this. I already came out and now I wanted to actually be myself and look how I feel.

I decided against the make-up. I wasn't that great at putting it on and I figured too much change in one day might freak everyone out. So I took things one step at a time, and the first step was wearing a skirt. I got dressed in the uniform and then looked myself in the mirror. I liked the look of the skirt and I guess the socks weren't that bad. The button-up shirt hugged my body tighter than the boy's shirt did. I really did look different, but it was a different that brought a smile to my lips.

I left the bathroom and went back out to Jack, then the two of us went to school together in his small, beat up car. I couldn't exactly judge him on the car considering I didn't have one myself. I didn't even have my license, but that didn't stop me from taking my dad's car every now and again.

Jack parked in the school's parking lot and for a while we just sat there. We still had some time to spare before the first class started. I picked at my fingernails and considered waiting until the bell rang and the halls had cleared before going in.

"Just walk in there with confidence like you own the place. Don't let them see how afraid you are," he said.

"But I am afraid," I said back.

"They don't have to know that," he said.

I closed my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. I wished Rye was in this car with us. It clicked in my mind just then that it wasn't the reaction of the school I was worried about. It was only Rye's reaction. No one in that school meant a thing to me. Yes, I'd love for people to be accepting and not bully me, but when it came down to it, I didn't care about their opinion. I cared about the opinion of my friends.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"Nope."

"What the worst that can happen? They'll call you names, probably. So what?" he said as if it were nothing.

I wish I had his carefree attitude. I tried my hardest to be like him, to just not care, and once I got myself as close to that frame of mind as I could, I nodded.

"Okay, let's just...go to class," I said.

"That's the spirit. Just go straight to class. That's all you have to do," he said.

I nodded, and then with as much courage as I could muster up, I got out of the car. Okay, that wasn't so hard. Jack came around to my side, and then together, we started walking towards the school building.

It didn't take very long for people to start taking notice. People were whispering. Some were laughing to each other. I tried to tell myself it was just gossip, but knowing people were talking about me had me uncomfortable.

"Do not leave me Jack, please," I said quietly and clutched my bag's straps tightly.

"I won't. I'll walk you to class," he said.

"Thank you," I murmured.

We walked up the steps and into the building. One by one everyone looked at me. I tried to ignore the stares. My heart was pounding so fast. What was the big deal about someone wearing a skirt anyway? They just weren't used to it. I'd let them get their eye-full and hopefully they'd be over it by the time lunch rolled around.

I saw some of my friends; Brook and Sonny. They weren't whispering. They weren't laughing. They didn't come up to me though. It was like I had the plague. Maybe being seen with me was like social suicide now. I felt like I was a freak show and that was something I never wanted to feel again.

"Everyone's looking," I whispered to Jack.

"They're looking at me too," he said.

No, they weren't. They were used to Jack dressing how he did. I guess that gave me some sort of comfort. If they didn't care about Jack then eventually they wouldn't care about me either.

As I walked to my locker I saw Emma, Bianca and a few other girl friends all hanging out a little bit away. Emma had her arms crossed and her usual snobbish look on her face. My eyes connected with Bianca's. For a split second I hated her for being the reason I came out in the first place, but then she gave a small smile and a wave. I guess this wasn't really her fault.

I stopped at my locker, turning to it. The hall was filled with chatter again, like it would be most days, only it was a hushed chatter. Was I so paranoid to think it was all about me? I didn't care. I deserved the right to be paranoid for one day.

I sighed and opened up my locker, but when I did I jumped back as a huge pile of tampons fell out onto the floor around me. At first I was confused and then I felt sick. Purely sick. Someone was mocking me. My hands were shaking and if all eyes weren't on me before, they definitely were now.

Did I hear laughter? No. Silence? Definitely. Everyone was quiet. I couldn't bring myself to tear my eyes up from the floor. I was so embarrassed and wanted to cry. Last week I was one of the most popular kids in the school and now I was being humiliated and no one, not one of the people who were supposed to be my friends, stood up for me. One did though.

I glanced at Jack, seeing the pissed off expression on his face. Then, he smiled a little at me before getting on the floor and snatching up the tampons, shoving him into his bag.

"Thanks everyone!" His voice echoed through the silent hall, "I was running a bit low."

There was a small bit of awkward, nervous laughter. I wanted to smile or something but I couldn't. I just felt so...debilitated. I wasn't ready to do this.

"I'm going," I whispered to Jack.

I left him there, and I couldn't even feel bad about it because I was so consumed with how awful I felt. I walked so quickly down that hall, desperate to get out and away from everyone that just witnessed that.

Going outside didn't make me feel any better. I felt like everyone was staring at me, judging me, hating me. I wanted to get out of this stupid skirt and tell everyone that everything was a giant joke; a prank. Maybe that would work? I couldn't think clearly. I just knew I needed to get out of here before I started crying in front of everyone.

I got down the stairs and half way towards the street when I stopped abruptly in my tracks. I saw Rye, and he saw me. He stopped in the middle of the path. His eyes quickly flicked down, looking at my clothes, then back to my face.

Right now, all I needed was my best friend. If he came up to me, talked me into staying, and then walked inside with me then everything would be okay. I could do anything if Rye was with me. I felt safer with him even just near me.

I took a step towards him, but he took one back. He frowned before looking away from me, and then he kept walking. He walked right towards me, but then straight past me. Not a word was said. Not even another look was exchanged. He just walked right past me.

That was what pushed me over the edge and made me start crying. He hated me. I knew it. He hated me and I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't even walk.

"Hey!" It was Jack's voice.

He caught up to me. I looked at him through blurry eyes. He sighed and took my hand. He led me away from the few people left outside and we went back to the parking lot and back to the safety of his car.

"Hey, hey, stop crying," he said soothingly, "Fuck them in there! It's just some fucking loser who has nothing better to do with their time."

"I can't do this, Jack," I said with a sob.

"Yes you can. You got this far," he said.

"No, I can't. I can't do it without him," I cried.

"What?"

"Without Rye. I can't do this if he hates me," I told him.

"Screw Rye! He's just one guy and if he isn't gonna accept you then you don't need him in your life," he said.

"No, you don't get it. He's my best friend. He always has been my best friend. We do everything together. We talk about everything together. We took all the same classes this year hoping to be put in the same classes. We're planning on moving in together after high school. We're applying to all the same colleges. I can't...I can't do this...He hates me and it's because I'm like this..." I spoke until I couldn't speak anymore without sobbing too hard.

Jack didn't say anything else on the topic and that was a damn good thing because I couldn't speak.

"Okay...I'm gonna take you home," he said, and I just nodded, wanting to get out of here.


	12. Chapter 12

I didn't go to school on Tuesday. I told my dad I was sick and even though he didn't believe me and knew there was something else going on, he didn't say anything. He just called the school to tell them I wasn't coming in. I locked myself in my room the moment he left for work.

My mom had been here all day yesterday and now today too. She didn't have a job to go to. She didn't even bother trying to talk to me, not that I wanted her to anyway. I heard her talking to my dad last night about how she would speak to me when I grew up. She wanted me to come to her first, but there was no way that was happening.

I lay on my bed, staring at my phone. Yesterday, a few hours after Jack dropped me off at home, I texted Rye. It was just a simple 'hey', but he didn't reply. Later that night I sent a 'what are you up to?', and he didn't reply. If I wasn't so upset about him hating me then I would have been mad at him, but I couldn't be mad at Rye, at least not seriously mad at him anyway.

It was lunch time at school now. Rye would have his phone on him. I sent him another message. 'I'm sorry,' was all it said. My fingers were shaking or maybe that was just because I had been crying just moments before. I hated that this was affecting me so much. I had never lost Rye as a friend. In all the years there was never a point where he'd stop speaking to me for more than a couple of hours.

I rolled over in my bed and pulled the blankets further up my body. I guess I just didn't know how to react to losing him. I had been texting Jack a lot and he thought I was overreacting. He thought Rye and I were just friends and it wasn't a big deal, but we were so much more than friends. He was everything to me, and maybe that was a bit dramatic and maybe I should learn to let go a bit, but it was Rye and the thought of him hating me made every inch of me feel sick.

"Why, why, why..." I whispered to myself, "Just get over it..."

I fell asleep for most of the afternoon. There wasn't much else to do when I was just moping around. I woke up when my phone dinged. My heart raced as I grabbed for it as quickly as my tired mind would allow. I sat up so quickly that my head spun. The message was from Rye.

'Come over?' It said.

I didn't need to be told twice. I quickly got up, got ready, and then left my bedroom.

"Andy!" My mom's voice called as soon as my door opened.

I ignored her and went down the hall and into the living room where I left my shoes. I slipped them on and turned around, only to see my mom standing there.

"You can't go out. You're sick," she said.

"You went out and didn't come back for months. You don't get to tell me when I can't leave," I said.

"Maybe if you'd hear me out for five minutes then I could tell you why I left," she said.

"You're a whore. I know. Oh look, I did it in three seconds," I snapped.

I went the long way around out of the living room so I didn't have to walk near her. She didn't say anything, just sighed deeply as if she were dealing with a dramatic teenager. I was dramatic about some things, but I felt like I was well within my right to treat her like garbage after what she did to this family.

I left the house and made my way down the few streets towards Rye's. I was so nervous. I had no idea what was going to come of this. Was he just going to pretend nothing happened? Was he going to tell me he didn't want to be friends anymore? I didn't know. I kept reminding myself that this was Rye I was talking about. He was an amazing guy. There was a reason he was my best friend. Yet still, I thought the worst instead.

I went up to his door and knocked on it. I noticed his parent's cars weren't in the driveway yet. They were probably still at work. I shifted from foot to foot as I waited for him, and then he opened the door. He sighed and leant against the door frame, then his eyes narrowed at me.

"Have you been crying?" he asked.

I opened my mouth to answer, but nothing came out. This was stupid. Rye was my best friend. I never froze up around him. But I guess I didn't really know where I stood anymore.

"Uh...no," I finally said.

"You're a terrible liar," he said, then shook his head, "Or maybe you're a great liar. I can't really figure that out."

He was being bitter. I was too scared to call him out on it though. I was so terrified that he hated me for who I was. I knew I shouldn't give ignorant people the time of day, but I was determined to change Rye's mind about me.

He pushed the door open more and turned around, going back inside. I took that as an invitation to come in, so I did. I followed him down the hall and into his bedroom. I shut the door behind me and leant against it.

"So, where's the girl clothes?" he asked as he sat on his bed.

"Didn't want to offend you," I murmured.

"Offend?" he asked in confusion. "I don't give a shit what you look like."

He didn't? Now I was the confused one. When he saw me yesterday at school he looked disgusted. If he didn't care about what I looked like, then what was it? Was it the girl thing? God, this would be so much easier if he would've just spoken to me the past few days.

"You haven't been answering my texts," I said.

He shrugged, being stubborn and not saying anything. I couldn't believe he was taking this so hard. Maybe he wasn't as great of a person as I thought.

"You're supposed to be my friend," I said.

"Exactly!" he snapped.

I flinched in surprise. He never took that tone with me. He stood up and sighed deeply.

"I'm supposed to be your friend, your best friend, but I find out via some shitty quality Facebook video? I mean you're hanging out with this Abi-,"

"Jack," I interrupted, "His name is Jack."

"Whatever. You told her...him?" He stopped, giving me a questioning look and I nodded before he continued on, "You told him, pretty much a complete stranger and you never told me. You told me you were with your dad that night and that you were going to bed. You lied to me."

"So...that's why you're mad?" I asked. I was way off the mark on this one.

"Uh yeah," he said like it was obvious, "Why else would I be mad?"

"Mad that I'm a...a girl..." I said the last part so quietly and my voice shook. I actually just said it to his face.

"Do you really think I'm an asshole, Fovvs?" he asked.

I thought about it and felt so guilty for jumping to conclusions. I was always thinking the worst, and now he was looking at me with these sad, brown eyes and I just hated myself.

"I'm sorry," I sighed, "I'm sorry for thinking the worst and I'm sorry for not coming to you first."

"So you should be. What the hell, Andy? We tell each other everything. Why couldn't you..." He stopped, shaking his head.

"I...I don't know. I wanted to tell you. I was scared," I said.

"Scared that I'd hate you?" he asked.

"Yes..." I nodded.

"And Jack...you trusted him more to tell?" he asked.

"It wasn't about trust," I said quickly, "I didn't mean to choose him over you. It's just that he gets it."

"I get it..." he argued.

"I know...I know...but he's been through it all and I needed help and...I'm sorry," I apologized and I couldn't mean it enough.

He didn't say anything. He just looked at me, thinking. My lips trembled and I turned away from him.

"Don't start crying on me," he said.

"I'm not," I lied as I wiped away the few tears that fell.

"I can't stand when girls start crying," he said.

That actually made me smile, but I still wouldn't turn around. I think I was just relieved he didn't hate me for who I was. I was relieved he called me a girl. He was trying.

"Andy," he said.

"Tell me you don't hate me," I said.

"I don't hate you, dumbass," he said.

That was good enough for me. I let out a deep breath and turned around to face him again. He tilted his head to the side and I saw all over his face that he wasn't mad anymore. I guess our fight was over.

"You know you can tell me anything, right? Literally anything at all. I'm never gonna not be your friend," he said.

"I know that. I'm sorry, I was just being dumb," I said.

"Yeah, you were," he said with a smile.

I stepped forward, feeling a lot more relaxed. It was such a good feeling not to worry anymore. I went and sat on his bed. He didn't follow me. He sat on top of his desk and rested his feet on the chair.

"So..." he started, "you're a girl?"

"Yeah," I said, not knowing what else to say.

"Is this like a new development or...like, how long have you known..." He stopped speaking and it was actually comforting seeing how awkward he was.

"Couple years, I guess, sort of," I said.

"So you're like, a trans girl. Like, you're definitely not a dude?" he asked.

"Definitely not," I said.

"Okay," he said, nodding slowly, "So...what does this mean?"

"What do you mean what does this mean?" I asked.

"I dunno," he said with a little laugh. "I don't really know what I'm supposed to do."

"You're not supposed to do anything. Just...I'm a girl, and that's it..." I said.

"Okay, so I'm calling you 'she' now, yeah?" he asked.

"Yes, you dork," I laughed. It was kind of cute that he was trying so hard, yet was completely lost at the same time.

"Don't call me a dork, you dork. I'm just trying to wrap my head around everything," he said.

Before I came here I was feeling so down. I felt so defeated. Now, I felt like I was on top of the world. I had my best friend back.

"So like...what do you think of all this?" I asked.

"Honestly...It's weird," he admitted.

I looked away from him. I wished I hadn't asked that question.

"It's only weird because I've known you my whole life. It might just take a little getting used to," he said.

"That's okay,' I said and looked back at him, "So you're not, like...disgusted or anything."

"No! Andy...no, I'm not," he said honestly.

"Promise?" I asked.

"Do I have to pinky promise you?" he asked.

"We aren't seven anymore, Rye," I said with a roll of my eyes.

Still, he got off the desk and came over to me. He held his hand out with his pinky finger pointing towards me.

"Seriously?" I asked.

"Seriously," he said.

He sat next to me and grabbed my hand, forcing me to pinky promise with him. He dropped his hand and smiled at me.

"I wonder what my parents would think about me having a girl in my room," he said with a playful gasp.

"Shut up. I'm still me," I said.

"But hopefully a prettier you," he teased.

"Don't be a jerk," I said and pushed his shoulder.

"Okay but seriously, are you gonna like change how you look or whatever?" he asked.

"Mmm..." I thought about it but didn't answer him.

"What?" he asked.

"You don't have to pretend you're interested in this kind of stuff with me, ya know," I said.

"I wanna know," he said.

"Okay, well...yeah I'd love to change how I look. I wanna look like the person I feel like on the inside, as cheesy as that sounds...I'd love to do my hair and make-up and stuff. I wouldn't know where to start though. I'm not exactly a pro with that kind of stuff," I said.

I envied girls who could do their hair and make-up perfectly. I had lived all my life as a boy. I had no clue where to start without looking like a disaster.

"You'll get the hang of it eventually," he said encouragingly.

I smiled at him. I couldn't believe how great he was being right now. I was convinced he wouldn't accept me, but not only has he accepted me, he's trying to be involved too. I watched him as he sighed heavily and fell onto his back.

"God, this is all so weird," he said.

"You'll get used to it though, right?" I asked.

"Yeah, yeah of course. I've just never had a chick best friend before," he said.

"Just like, chill. Please chill. You're making me nervous," I said.

"Sorry," he said simply.

"It's okay. You're being cool with all this and that's all I could ask for. At least you're not being awful," I said.

"Right," he said and sat up. "Speaking of awful people, the tampon thing yesterday was Emma."

"It was?" I asked. I didn't know why I was surprised. I should've known.

"Yeah, the moron bragged to me about it as if I'd find it funny or something," he said.

"Ugh, she's such a bitch," I muttered.

"She is. I can't believe I was into her," he said.

"Oh please, you were into her boobs, that's all," I laughed.

"Good point. I guess I'll have to find another girl so I can try and win our bet," he said.

"Are you really taking that bet seriously?" I asked.

"We shook on it, okay? You can't take back a hand shake," he laughed.

"Oh whatever. You're gonna lose anyway," I said, but I wasn't confident at all.

He smiled at me before putting his arm around my shoulder in a comforting hug.

"I'm sorry for ignoring you the past couple days," he said.

"It's okay. Everything's okay now," I said with a smile.

"I can't remember the last time we didn't speak for this long. Let's not do that again," he said.

"That's something I'll shake on," I said and held out my hand to his. He took it and shook it before letting it go.

The reminder of how long we didn't speak for a while made me remember that I hadn't told him about my mom, and now that we were friends and we were good again, I could finally say something.

"The she-devil's back, by the way," I said, "Just to top off how amazing my week has been."

"Shit, how's that going?" he asked.

"It's hell. Well, not really hell. I've been avoiding her," I said. "Actually I called her a whore before I came over here."

"Nice," he laughed.

"Mhm, but that means I'll probably be in trouble with my dad when I get home," I said.

"You have the right to be pissed at your mom," he said.

"I know. I just wish she wasn't living with us. I hate going home now," I said, and then I paused, thinking. "Hey, do you think I could stay the night, or would it be too weird?"

"It's not weird. We're still best friends, Fovvs. No matter what changes with you, nothing has to change between us," he said.

The thing was, it changed everything.


	13. Chapter 13

I woke up to a bright light. I couldn't even open my eyes properly, but when I did catch a glimpse of my surroundings, I swear I saw Rye and Bianca standing there. I groaned and pulled my blanket over my head.

"Lights on means wake up," Rye said.

"This isn't a boot camp," I croaked out.

"Yes it is. Get your ass outta bed," he ordered.

He grabbed the end of the blanket and tugged it off me. A chill went through my entire body. Why was I so damn tired? It couldn't possibly be time to get up. I felt around the mattress and grabbed my phone, looking at it.

"Five! It's five in the morning! What the hell?!" I yelled and sat up, looking at them, "What is she doing here? What is going on? We have like three hours 'til we gotta go to school. Why am I awake?"

"It's gonna take me three hours to make this disaster pretty," Bianca said.

"Excuse me?" I snapped. I was tired and annoyed, especially given the insult just thrown at me.

"I feel bad for kinda being the reason you came out, which by the way, I wouldn't have told anyone, dummy. Anyway, Rye asked if I'd come over this morning to give you a make-over!" She spoke way too energetically for this early in the morning. I looked at Rye.

"You did?" I asked.

"Yeah, well, last night you were saying you wish you knew how to do all that girly shit so..." He shrugged, "I told her to come over at seven though, not fucking five."

"I told you I'm gonna need the time," Bianca snapped at him.

"You know, you're kinda hot when you're mad," he smirked at her.

"I know," she said with a cute smile and a blush.

I rolled my eyes at the two of them before getting up. I must have looked like such a mess compared to Bianca. There I was, wearing Rye's pajamas with my hair a total mess, and then there was Bianca, looking like she just stepped out of heaven. I was jealous of her.

"Here," Bianca said and handed me two bottles; one of shampoo and the other conditioner.

"Okay?"

"Wash your hair with these, twice, and don't forget to let the conditioner soak in. I mean honestly, you think just because you were a dude you didn't need to take care of your hair?" she asked.

"Please stop talking," I groaned, "It's early."

"Just go, go," she argued me.

I sighed, looked at Rye and said, "I hate you," before leaving the room and heading to the bathroom for a shower.

I wished I didn't need a make-over to look like a girl. I wished I wasn't vain enough to want one. I wished people could look at me as I was now and go 'oh, she's a girl', but I didn't get that privilege. I felt like I had to fight for it which was already making me exhausted.

As I showered, I woke up a lot more and found myself actually getting a bit excited for whatever Bianca was going to do to me. I wanted to learn these things that I hadn't had a chance to learn before because I was too busy trying to be as masculine as possible.

I finished the shower and got dressed into the pajamas again because it was all I had, then I headed back to Rye's room. When I opened the door, Bianca and Rye were sitting on his bed. All it took was one glance at Rye to know that he was flirting with her, and the giggles coming from Bianca made me feel sick.

"I'm done," I interrupted them.

The both sat back, away from each other when they noticed me there. I was relieved when Bianca stood. Relieved and confused as to why I was relieved. I think I was just jealous of Bianca in general. She was so pretty and didn't have to even try at all to get the attention of guys. It happened so naturally for her and I couldn't see that ever happening for me.

"Yay!" Bianca was all excited.

She came over to me with a bag in her hand. She grabbed my wrist and pulled me back out of the bedroom.

"Rye, bring us a chair, will you?" Bianca asked.

She took me back down the hall to the bathroom. She let go of my wrist, opened her bag up and took out what looked like the entire stock of a beauty salon. I was now actually a little scared of what she was going to do to me. Rye came back with a chair and Bianca made me sit on it, facing away from the mirror.

"Will your parents care if I make noise?" Bianca asked Rye.

"Probably, but do it anyway," he said.

"Great, now get out," she demanded. I always thought she was so sweet, but she was actually really bossy.

"What?" Rye asked in confusion.

"Go away. No boys allowed," she said with a smile.

She pushed the protesting Rye out the door before shutting and locking it. She turned back to me with an even bigger smile on her face. This was so strange to me. Bianca and I had never been the best of friends and yet she was treating me like we were. She was being nice to me though, so I just rolled with it.

She got to work pretty quickly and for the next two hours I was like her own personal doll to work on. She wouldn't even let me look at myself until she was completely done. I even had to listen to her gossiping for the full two hours while I just sat there mumbling a few 'uh huh's.

She cut my hair. She didn't cut a lot off. She just cut off the dead ends and styled it more. She gave me more prominent bangs which swept to the side. She dried my hair. She put product in it that made it feel all soft and smooth. She straightened it which was something I had never done before.

Then came the make-up and I learnt I was in very good hands because Bianca wanted to go to beauty school after high school so she had already done a lot of practice on her friends and family. She spoke to me a lot about the do's and don'ts of make-up and I tried to absorb it all in and I actually did feel like I was learning.

Finally, after an eternity, she was done and she let me stand up. When I turned to look at myself, I almost thought it was someone else staring back at me. My hair was more perfect than it had ever been. It was shiny and dead straight. I ran my fingers through it, amazed at how it felt. The make-up made me look so different. I especially loved the dark, smoky look my eyes now had. I touched my cheek bones gently as if I'd ruin everything if I did anything else.

"How did you make my face look like that?" I asked.

"Contouring," she said simply. "It's easy once you get the hang of it. I'll teach you more if you want."

This was a lot, maybe even too much. I think that when I do it myself I might tone it down a bit, but for today, I loved looking like this. I knew it was silly to just focus on looks, but to look at myself in the mirror and undeniably see a girl was really heartwarming.

"You can keep all this. It's my old stuff. And moisturizer. Your skin sucks and will only get worse if you wear make-up every day so you gotta moisturize every morning and night and it'll get so much softer," she explained.

I nodded along, but I wasn't really listening. I couldn't stop staring at myself. I tucked my hair behind my ear and turned my head from side to side. This was so cool.

"Let's go show Rye," she said.

Just like that, nerves set in. It was all well and good to stand in front of a mirror and get all happy over my image, but showing other people was the scary part. I had no idea how everyone would react at school. The thing was, I only cared about Rye's opinion. If he liked it, then I'd go to school without a worry in the world.

Bianca and I went back to Rye's room and pushed the door open. He was laying there on his phone. He noticed us and looked over.

"Holy shit," he whispered and sat up, looking right at me.

"Shut up," I shook my head at him.

I looked away, blushing. I didn't know whether to feel embarrassed or shy or giddy. It was a mixture of all three.

"Doesn't she look pretty?" Bianca asked.

"Andy's always been on the pretty side," Rye said teasingly.

I looked at him, narrowing my eyes in a playful glare. He smiled wider.

"Can we just not make a big deal, please?" I asked, "Otherwise I'm really not gonna wanna go to school like this."

"Oh, you are going to school. No arguments. I'll beat the shit out of anyone who says anything about you," Rye said.

"Even the girls?" I asked sarcastically.

"I'll handle the girls. They'll listen to me if I tell them to stop," Bianca said.

"No, they listen to Emma," I corrected her.

"Most of them hate Emma. Trust me," she said.

Trust Bianca? I barely knew her as a friend, but she was being so great so far so I just nodded. In fact, I think I was a little overwhelmed with how great people were being. Rye accepted me, Jack helped me a lot, Bianca helped me, my dad accepted me. Now, if only the rest of the school would just leave me alone.

"I'm nervous," I admitted.

"You're going to be fine. No crying either because I spent ages on that make up and not all of it is waterproof," Bianca said.

I took a deep breath and nodded. I was finally doing this. I was finally being myself and I was going to walk through those school doors and try my hardest not to care about people staring at me. The difference to Monday and today was that I had Rye on my side and it meant everything.

"Anyway, I gotta go, but I'll see you at school?" Bianca asked.

"Yeah, thanks Bianca," I said with a smile.

"No, thank you. I needed the practice. Also, I'm sitting with you at lunch too. I don't want anything to do with Emma after what she did on Monday," she said.

"Good," Rye said, "That bitch shouldn't have any friends."

Bianca laughed and I smiled. It was nice to have people on my side and it felt so good after all day Monday and Tuesday thinking the world hated me. It was a relief.

"Anyway, I'll see yas later," Bianca said, and then she left.

Rye and I were alone. He was quiet, standing there smiling at me all cheekily.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing. You're just so pwetty!" he said in a teasing, girly voice.

"Oh shut up," I rolled my eyes.

"Whatever," he laughed, "I'm gonna go get ready and then we'll go back to your place and get your uniform."

"Okie doke," I said, and then he left the room.

Rye went to get ready and I sat in his room, playing with my hair for the entire duration of his shower. It just felt so nice. I was glad Bianca left her hair products with me because whatever she used was like magic.

Rye came back shortly after, completely ready and looking like he just stepped out of a catalogue, like always. That was ridiculous. Bianca spent two hours getting me ready, but Rye was done in ten minutes. There was no way I was going to go through Bianca's long process tomorrow. I'd keep it simple.

Rye drove us back to my place. I was still in his pajamas but it didn't matter because I just had to walk from his car to my house.

"You want me to come in?" Rye asked when he parked the car outside.

"No, I'm good," I said with a smile.

"Mmk, I'll be here then," he said.

I got out of the car and went up to the house by myself. Dad was already gone for work. I knew mom would be home though, so as quietly as I could I went inside. I tip-toed through the house and was just about to open my bedroom door when I was caught.

"And-," She stopped speaking mid-word.

I sighed and let go of the door handle. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked at her.

"What do you want?" I asked.

Her jaw was dropped. I was being impatient, mostly because I didn't have any time for her. I couldn't bring myself to move just yet though.

"What...what have you done to yourself?" she asked in a soft voice.

"It's called make-up. Maybe you should try it sometime and cover up all that orange," I snapped.

"Andy!" She shouted at me, "I have had it up to here with the way you speak to me!"

"I so don't care," I muttered.

I turned away from her and opened my bedroom door. I went inside and searched for the school uniform Jack had given me. I found it in my washed laundry pile. I never bothered to put my clothes away. It was a miracle when I did.

"You had your father and I worried all night and you come back like this?" she asked.

I scoffed, shaking my head, "You're such a liar. One, dad knows if I don't come home that I'm at Rye's, and two, I didn't get a single text from either of you so you couldn't have cared that much."

"Stop it, Andy. Don't you see what you're doing here? I'm trying to make things better and you're not helping by acting like a child," she said.

"Yeah, I'm the child," I mumbled under my breath.

Once I had my uniform I turned back to her. She watched me as though I were some circus freak as I came closer. I closed the door shut on her and locked it.

"Andy!" she shouted through the door, knocking on it.

"I'm getting dressed!" I shouted back and sighed heavily.

She stopped knocking and I hoped she just went away, but I didn't have such luck. After I got dressed and got all my things, I opened the door again and there she was. She looked me up and down.

"You're not going to school like that," she said adamantly.

"Yes I am," I said, "And you can't stop me."

"Can you stop acting as though I'm being so terrible? I'm just looking out for you! You can't go to school like this. You'll get bullied," she said.

"You don't get it," I shook my head.

"I get that you're going through a phase, and that's okay. Everyone goes through phases, but you're going to get picked on for this," she said.

"It's not a phase," I said and pushed past her.

"Andy, stop! I will call the school!" she yelled after me.

"Then call the school," I said, waving my hand at her dismissively.

I left the house as quickly as I could and jogged over to the car. I got in and slammed the door shut.

"Okay, jeez, no need to ruin my car," Rye said.

"Sorry," I muttered.

"Everything okay?" he asked.

I took a deep breath in and out before looking at his concerned face and nodding.

"Everything's perfect. Let's go."


	14. Chapter 14

The morning went a lot better than it did the other day. People were getting over the shock of me being a girl. I still got a lot of strange looks and even questions from people I didn't even know. A lot of people in my classes seemed more curious than anything else, but some asked questions about my body that were down right offensive. I tried my best to ignore them.

I had a few people tell me I wasn't girl. I had some tell me I was a drag queen. I had some people tell me I needed therapy. I blocked them all out because they had no idea what they were talking about, and I didn't even know them. Complete strangers were telling me that I was a boy, no matter how hard I tried to be a girl. I had never spoken to these people in my life and yet they thought they could tell me what I was and what I wasn't. It was actually laughable.

Teachers stuck up for me, mostly. Either that or they brushed everything under the rug. I don't think a lot of them really knew how to handle this. I wondered how Jack was going. I hadn't spoken to him since Monday, except I had been texting him a lot.

I found myself at lunch munching on my sandwich and feeling a little uncomfortable. I wished I could go join Jack and his friends, but I wouldn't ditch Rye. Just his presence made me feel safer. No one dared say a thing about me while I was sitting next to the most popular guy in school.

Bianca kept her promise of sitting with us at lunch. She was across from me and talking a lot. I nodded on, trying to follow what she was saying, but she spoke so fast and my mind was elsewhere. I was thinking about Brook and Sonny who were next to Bianca. They were chatting amongst themselves and it made me kind of paranoid.

I glanced at Rye who was completely oblivious to everything around him as he scrolled through his phone. I nudged him with my elbow and he looked at me questioningly.

"Do you think they hate me?" I whispered so only he'd hear.

He saw me nod towards Brook and Sonny. He looked at them, and I wanted to hit him for what he did next.

"Hey fuckfaces, you got a problem with Andy?" he asked them.

The two boys looked up a little startled and began muttering a bunch of 'no's and 'nope's. It was obvious they were uncomfortable. At least they were being civil and weren't giving me any disgusting looks.

"You guys are pathetic," Bianca said sweetly with a cute smile, "You're just stunned by Andy's beauty."

Brook scoffed and shook his head, "Nah, ain't no chick gonna stun me."

"Gay," Bianca said in a sing-song voice.

"Sweetie, you know very well that I'm not gay," Brook said to her.

"What kind of straight guy says 'sweetie'?" Bianca teased.

"Shut up," Brook mumbled.

He looked at me and gave me a small, awkward smile. At least he was trying, kind of. I hated that the flow of conversation wasn't like it used to be, and it was just because of me. I just wanted them to be normal around me, but instead they were on edge. I didn't want to make anyone uncomfortable.

"So..." Sonny said to me, "Is your name, like, still Andy, or are you gonna change it to Andrea or?"

"It's still Andy," I said.

The two boys nodded slowly as if they were a couple of children learning something new. Brook leant forward and narrowed his eyes at me in curiosity.

"Are you gonna get boobs?" Brook asked.

"Brook!" Rye snapped.

"Sorry, sorry. Breasts. I meant breasts. Are you gonna get breasts?" Brook asked.

"Brook..." Rye warned.

The two glared at each other before Rye's glare fell and then he looked at me, cocking his head to the side.

"Are you?" he asked me quietly.

With that, I stood up, "I'm going to the bathroom."

As I walked away from the table I couldn't help but give a little smile. I knew it was dumb to think this, but the fact that a group of guys were just talking about my potential boobs really made me feel like a girl. I guess that says a lot about men and society, but still, it made me smile.

I left the cafeteria and walked down the hall towards one of the bathrooms, but once I got there, I stopped, standing outside of them. I stared at the doors in contemplation. I hadn't thought about this yet.

Male, or female? Which was I supposed to use? I went my whole life using the male toilets, but I'm female. I'm out of the closet. I wanted to use the female one, but would I get in trouble? Would people freak out? Maybe I should go down the hall to the disabled toilets. They were unisex. Damn it, why can't all bathrooms be unisex? I was about to text Jack and ask him what he does in situations like this, but I didn't have to.

"Don't you know we're supposed to travel in packs? Especially to the bathroom," Bianca said, showing up out of nowhere as she grabbed my arm and dragged me into the bathroom.

There was a girl in there. I think she was in our grade. She was washing her hands and when she looked up at me, her eyes went wide. I felt like I was in the wrong place. This was so confusing. The girl didn't say anything. She scurried past us quickly and left.

"I don't know if I should be in here," I murmured.

"Just go pee already," she said impatiently as she checked herself out in the mirror.

Well, I guess I was already here, so instead of fretting about it, I went into one of the stalls and did my business. When I came out, Bianca was fixing her lip gloss. I looked at myself. The light red lip gloss she put on me this morning was pretty much gone. I guess that was why other girls were always touching up their make-up.

"So, you're Rye's bestie, right?" she asked.

"Yeah?" I said as I washed my hands.

"What's his, like, deal?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, he asked me out on a date this morning-,"

"He did what?" I interrupted her.

"He asked me out," she repeated.

"Oh, and you said...?" I questioned.

"I said yes. Of course I said yes. He's a babe. But like, we had a thing before, then he was with Emma, now he's asking me out. I don't get it. And like, I'm not clingy. I'm super chill. I just don't get him," she said with a shrug.

"Uh...I wouldn't take him too seriously," I said.

"Hmm, I guess he's just a player," she said.

"He's not a player," I defended, "he just likes fun."

She pursed her lips together in concentration before turning to me.

"Maybe he's gay?" she said casually.

"What?" I laughed. The thought was ridiculous. He loved girls.

"Okay, so like, don't tell him I told you this, but every time we started to fool around he'd be like totally into it, and then just not," she said.

"Okay...what exactly do you mean?" I asked suspiciously. Who knew I'd be so into gossip?

She giggled, "I mean he got...excited...and then...wasn't..."

"Oh!" I suddenly understood, "Oh...uh...umm..." Oh God why was I blushing? I had spoken about Rye's sex life, not that he had ever had sex, but I heard about all his little adventures before, but I had never heard it from one of the girls.

"That's never happened to me before. Once a guy's hard, he's hard until I'm done with him. But with Rye it was like a popped his balloon and he just...deflated..." she said.

"Okay this is way too much info," I admitted.

"Oh right, sorry! I mean, he is your best friend after all. I'll stop," she said.

"Thank you," I breathed a sigh of relief.

I turned and was about to walk out the door again.

"You see, the thing is, what if it's just me? I spoke to Hannah, and she said she gave Rye a blow job and he came in like three minutes, same with Nicole," she said.

The images flashed in my mind and I felt myself getting hot. I closed my eyes and shook my head before turning back to her.

"Look, it's probably not you. I think he's just waiting for the right girl to come along. Plus, he was younger when he was with Hannah and Nicole. He had never even touched a girl before them," I said to try and make her feel better.

"I guess you're right," she said with a smile. "If anything it makes me just wanna try harder. Maybe I can try again when we go out on our date."

"Yeah, good luck with that," I said dismissively. I really didn't want to talk about this anymore.

"You don't like talking about sex, do you?" she asked.

"Not really with people I don't know very well," I told her.

She looked a little confused as she pouted, "I ditched Emma and her gang."

"Okay?"

"That means you're my new best girl friend, duh," she said.

"Oh..."

Before I got another word in, the door opened. I thought nothing of it until I turned around and saw Emma with her arms crossed over her chest, standing there with Coach McKinnon.

"See, Coach, I told you there was a boy in the girl's bathroom," Emma said. The girl who was in here must have told her.

I gritted my teeth in frustration. I think I was more disappointed than anything. I really did think Emma and I were friends at one point, and now she was being nothing but awful to me.

"Ugh, you skank!" Bianca snapped at her.

"Oh shut up Bianca, you fag hag," Emma sneered.

"Enough!" Coach McKinnon shouted and pointed at Emma, "You will see me in detention for using that word."

"What?! But she called me a skank!" Emma argued.

"And she will be seeing me in detention too. Both of you will be there right after last period," Coach McKinnon ordered. "Now both of you, out of my sight."

I looked at Bianca apologetically, but she just gave a smile and a shrug before mouthing the words 'worth it'. She and Emma left, leaving me alone with Coach McKinnon. He looked at me.

"Is that you, Fowler?" he asked, looking me up and down.

I nodded and bit my bottom lip. This wasn't good. I felt like I just got sprung doing something I wasn't supposed to.

"I think you'd better come with me," he said.

"Am I in trouble?" I asked.

"No, there's just a protocol we have to stick to for students like yourself, so let's go," he said.

I had no idea what that was supposed to mean, but I went with him anyway. He took me to the office and told me to wait for the vice principal while he spoke to him, and then shortly afterwards, I went in.

I turned out, I wasn't in trouble at all. The reason I was here was because I had to formally go in and change all my school documents to say I'm female. The vice principal told me I should have come straight to the administration because that way the teachers could be informed about me and be prepared for any subsequent bullying.

I was surprised. I didn't expect the school to be on my side, but they were. I got the entire spiel about how the school is striving to be inclusive to all people. I had no idea the administration actually cared. I never looked into it before. I just assumed no one would understand, but I was finding out quickly that a lot of people did, and some just wanted to help.

He let me go back off to class after our meeting, but arranged for me to see the school's guidance counsellor instead of going to my last class. I was just glad to not have to go to calculus. The guidance counsellor seemed nice. She was sweet. She was the type of lady that was probably better suited to teaching kindergarten. She was a little too peppy and positive.

By the time I left the counsellor's office and the final bell went, it felt like the day had gone on forever. I swung by my calculus classroom just as the class was piling out and spotted Rye, who saw me too. The second I saw him I remembered what Bianca told me about him and I couldn't help but giggle. I tried my hardest to hold back the teasing smile as he came up to me.

"Where the hell were you?!" he snapped at me.

"Guidance counsellor," I said simply, hoping he wouldn't turn it into a bit deal.

"Really? Why?" he asked.

"The school wants to help me adjust," I said, "And also Emma's a bitch."

"Oh, are you okay?" he asked.

"I'm great," I smiled.

The smile was a bad idea because then I started laughing quietly to myself again. It was just such a natural instinct to tease Rye about everything, and even though what Bianca told me made me uncomfortable, as Rye's best friend it was my duty to make fun of him.

"What?" he asked in confusion.

"Nothing," I giggled.

"Tell me," he demanded.

"Nothing...just...Bianca might have told me about a problem you have...down stairs," I said. I couldn't contain the smile any longer.

"What?" he asked, still confused, but then realization crossed his face, "I...wait...she told you I-,"

He stopped and looked around in paranoia. He took my arm and dragged me into an empty classroom.

"What did she say?" he asked quickly once he knew we were alone.

"Just that you have a, uh, a little problem staying happy," I said, being all smiley.

"Not funny," he growled.

"It's a little funny," I said.

"No it's not, and I don't have a problem," he said in denial.

"It's okay, Rye. It happens to the best of us. Happened to me with Emma," I told him.

"It only happened with you and Emma because you like guys," he argued.

"Well now isn't that telling you something?" I asked cheekily.

"I don't like guys," he said as if it were the worst thing I ever said to him.

"I'm not saying you do. You're overreacting," I said.

"I can't believe she's gossiping about me," he said in frustration.

"Relax, so you can't keep it up, no big deal," I said.

"I can keep it up," he said through gritted teeth.

"Mhm, okay," I said, just to bother him.

"You want me to prove it? Honey, I'll prove it right now," he said and began undoing his pants.

"Oh my God, eww! No! Stop!" I said and covered my eyes.

"I'll prove it. I will," he said and I heard the playfulness in his voice.

"I'm sure you could. I believe you, okay? I believe you," I said quickly.

He didn't say anything. I peeked between my fingers and saw that he had stopped undressing himself and was just looking at me in amusement. I sighed in relief and dropped my hands.

"Listen, I know you don't have issues. I get it, I know you wanna wait for someone you're really into, and that's okay. Just means I'll win our bet," I said with a shrug.

"Yeah, sure, because you have so many guys swooning over you," he said sarcastically.

"I can get guys," I argued.

"Name one," he said.

"I don't need to know their names to sleep with them," I said with a smile before turning around and opening the door.

"You slut," he joked.

I left the room and he caught up with me as we continued walking down the hall towards the exit.

"I'm gonna kill Bianca," he said.

"No, no, no. You can't say anything because then she'll know I told and she won't wanna be my friend anymore," I said.

"You wanna be friends with that gossiper?" he asked.

"She's not that bad. She's nice," I said.

"Nice? Psh...she's not nice. She's evil. What happens in the bedroom should be between the two people involved," he said.

"Sure, sure, because you never ever talk about the girls you've been with," I said sarcastically.

"Only to you," he said.

"Whatever," I said and pushed him playfully.

The two of us went outside. Rye was moping and just being plain grumpy. I almost reconsidered letting him drive me home, but then he'd just mope some more, so instead we headed towards the car park together.

"Hey, hey!" The booming voice of Brook got our attention as he caught up and slung his arm around Rye's shoulder.

"'Sup?" Rye asked.

"Guess who's here?" Brook asked.

"Who?"

"My big bro is in town," Brook said in excitement. "Well, step bro."

"Serious?" Rye asked.

"Yep, he's picking me up today. Come say hey," Brook said before bouncing off towards the car park.

"He has an older step brother?" I asked. Shows how much of a good friend I am. I didn't even know he had a step sibling.

"Yeah, don't you remember? You met him at his going away to college party?" Rye said.

"Hmm...nope, can't remember," I shook my head.

"Oh, that's right, that was the first time you got drunk," he said.

I thought about it for a second and then I remembered. We were barely freshmen and thought it was a good idea to drink because we were at the "older kids" party. I vowed that night to never drink again. The vow never lasted.

Rye and headed over to where Brook was. As we got closer, I slowed down. At first I thought I was seeing things, but as soon as he was in my vision clearly, I recognized him. Brook was standing with Will, the guy from the club that I made out with. He was Brook's step brother? I knew he looked familiar.

"Andy?" Rye asked.

I had stopped completely as dread washed over me. Oh God, no. He just brought attention to me. Will looked up at the mention of my name and saw me. A smile played on his lips as he cocked his head to the side. Damn it, he recognized me.

"You're not really nineteen, are you?" he asked.

Rye and Brooklyn both looked confused. I sighed deeply. This was awkward.

"Uhm, well...technically no..." I answered, "I'm...I'm seventeen..."

I received a judging look from Rye.

"Almost seventeen," I sighed, "I'm...I'm sixteen."

"I'm hurt you would've lied to me," Will said with a charming smirk.

"What in the hell is going on?" Brook asked.

"Yeah...what is going on?" Rye asked me.

"Nothing," Was my impulse answer.

"Right, nothing at all," Will said.

Rye looked at Will, then back to me, "Andy..."

I didn't want to get back in Rye's bad books by lying or keeping anything from him, so I gave in.

"We met at this club on the weekend that Jack took me to...and...wekindofmadeoutalittle," I said the last part really quickly, hoping he wouldn't hear.

"The fuck, dude!? You made out with a high schooler?" Brook scolded his brother.

"I didn't know she was in high school at the time," Will defended.

I was so embarrassed right now. I was embarrassed that Rye just heard this and I was embarrassed that I was caught out in a lie to Will.

"This is weird," I groaned.

"No it isn't," Will said, turning his attention back to me, "Sixteen is legal here after all."

He winked at me. This hot God just winked at me and it was making me feel all flustered. Guys had never been into me, and now there was this older college guy obviously flirting with me and I didn't know what to do. How old was he anyway? If my math was correct then he'd be like twenty. That wasn't that bad of an age gap, right? Oh wow, I couldn't believe I was thinking about this.

"Rye, we should go. I gotta get home," I said to Rye.

"Right, yeah," Rye said, "Cool to see you again, Will."

"Right back at ya, Rye," Will said.

I just turned and went to walk away, but I didn't get very far.

"Hey gorgeous, wait up," Will said.

My cheeks heated at the name, but I stopped and turned back to him anyway.

"Can I have your number?" he asked.

"My number?"

"His number? Dude he's my friend," Brook said.

"She," Rye and Will said at the same time.

Brook rolled his eyes, "Sorry, forgot. She's my friend."

"And now she's going to be my friend, if that's okay with her, of course?" Will said and looked at me expectantly.

It was so much easier in the club surrounded in darkness, flashing lights and loud music without the pressure of ever having to see him again. Now though? Now this was real. This guy was interested in me. When would I ever get this chance again?

"Uh, yeah," I said with a nod.

"Great," Will said and took out his phone. He handed it to me and I quickly put my number in.

"Thanks," he said when he took the phone back.

"Okay...bye," I said.

I was too nervous to stick around. I turned and walked away with Rye right beside me.

"Umm, what the hell?" Rye asked once we were out of earshot.

"What?" I played dumb.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he asked.

"I had more important things going on," I shrugged.

"Are you really gonna text him?" he asked.

"I dunno, maybe. Would that be so bad?" I said.

"He's in college..." He pointed out.

"So?"

"You're sixteen!"

"I'm almost seventeen," I argued back.

He sighed and shook his head. I didn't know why he was so annoyed at me for this. I knew he had kissed college girls before. I had seen it with my own two eyes at a few parties we've been to. He was being a hypocrite. Something clicked in my mind though.

"You're just jealous that I might be a step closer to winning our bet. Better get your money ready," I said jokingly. It wasn't like I was going to go and jump in bed with Will at the first chance I got.

"You know what, you're getting a little cocky. Maybe we should just call the dumb bet off," he said.

"Um, I don't think so. Just because I have a guy that's interested in me, and you can't get your dick up, doesn't mean you can end the bet," I said.

"I can too get my dick up!" he shouted.

He didn't realize we were in a crowded parking lot because now everyone was staring at him. I burst out into laughter before getting in his car, shortly followed by the sulking Rye.


	15. Chapter 15

It was the weekend and I planned on going to Rye's place to hang out. The problem was, I was digging through all my clothes trying to find something that wasn't my normal "guy" clothes. I was getting frustrated. Everything I put on, I'd look at myself in the mirror and hate it.

School had been fine. I wore the female uniform every day. Now that it was the weekend though I could wear what I wanted, but I didn't have anything. All I had was the corset and skirt Ariadne gave me at the club last weekend and it wasn't like I could wear that over to Rye's house.

I barely had any money of my own to buy knew clothes, so my only option was to go and ask my dad. I could hear him and my mom cleaning up the house. They had been all morning while I hid away. I was probably pushing my luck asking my dad for money, but I was going to anyway.

I settled on plain black jeans and a tank top and left my room. I went down the hall to the kitchen. My dad was washing the dishes while my mom was cleaning off the dining room table after their breakfast. I ignored her and went over to my dad.

"Morning, dad," I said to him.

"It's about time you got outta bed," he said with a smile.

"I've been up for ages," I told him with a little laugh.

"Good, you can help us clean the house," Mom said.

I didn't even turn to look at her. Until she genuinely apologizes and accepts me for who I am, I'm not speaking to her.

"She's got a point. You could probably clean your room," Dad said.

"I promise I will tomorrow," I said.

"What are you getting up to today?" he asked.

"Well..." I trailed off and gave him a big smile.

He sighed and stopped washing the dishes, turning to me, "What do you want?"

"Glad you asked. I need some new clothes," I said.

"Uh huh, and I suppose you want some money?" he said.

"Please? I'll pay you back. I'll do chores and stuff," I begged.

Before he got to answer, the wicked witch spoke up.

"You have plenty of clothes as it is," Mom said.

"Dad," I said, ignoring her, "I have nothing that, like, suits me..."

"You have lovely clothes, Andy. I bought most of them for you. I'm sure you'll find something decent if you just looked," Mom said.

"She means girl clothes," Dad said.

I looked back at mom just to smile smugly. She rolled her eyes.

"You can't keep encouraging this," she said to dad, "He's not going to get over this phase if everyone keeps adding fuel to it."

"How hard is it for you to understand that I'm a girl? I am a girl! I want to wear girl's clothes! I need to," I was yelling at her and said the last part quietly. It was just so exhausting.

"Fine, even if you were a girl, lots of girls wear boy's clothes. You're fine with what you have," she said firmly.

"You just don't get it," I sighed. "I need to wear girl's clothes."

"Clothes don't even have genders," she said with a sweet smile.

I couldn't stand her. She was just so pigheaded. I turned back to dad, looking at him desperately. He had to understand this. He just had to. He huffed before going to the counter and picking up his wallet. He took out his credit card and handed it to me.

"I trust you not to go overboard. Just get what you need. No expensive brands," he said.

I smiled so wide. I jumped towards him and hugged him tightly. Part of me wanted to cry. I heard horror stories all over the internet about how parents never accepted their children, and while I had one parent who didn't understand, I felt so lucky to have one that did.

"Thank you so much, Dad," I said.

I pulled away, and he didn't say anything. He wasn't a very affectionate kind of guy so it probably weirded him out a bit that I hugged him. I turned back around and smirked at my mom, knowing that I won. She looked shocked.

"This is a waste of money," she said to dad.

"She needs this," My dad said sternly.

"You're just going to get bored of the clothes you buy in a couple of weeks anyway. Honestly the sooner you get out of this phase, the better," Mom said.

I couldn't stand to listen to her anymore, so instead, I turned back to dad, told him goodbye, and then I left the house. I was barely off the front lawn when I heard someone following me. I turned around to see my mom marching directly towards me.

"What now?" I sighed.

"You're using him," she barked at me.

"Excuse me?" I would have laughed if I wasn't so confused.

"He's too nice for his own good and you're using that to get what you want," she said. She was unbelievable.

"As if you didn't use his kindness to get back in this house," I accused.

"You have to learn your place here. You are the child. I am the mother. I am his wife. I have authority over you," she whispered harshly.

I stepped back and laughed, shaking my head. I understood her now. I understood why her eyes were so filled with hatred.

"I get it. You're just jealous that he'll always love me and choose me over you," I said.

"Is that what you think?" she asked.

"I just said it, so yeah, that's what I think," I said.

She smiled, shaking her head at me, "We'll see about that."

"Oh just go fuck yourself," I spat. "And by the way, you're wrong. You're not my mom. A mom would never abandon her kid."

I turned around and I kept walking out of the yard and onto the street.

"Andy!" She shouted after me, "You will be home by dinner and we will be discussing your attitude and you will be put in your place!"

"I'm staying over Rye's!" I called back.

"No you aren't!" she yelled.

I didn't say anything. She couldn't stop me from staying over Rye's house. I was almost seventeen. She couldn't make me go anywhere or do anything. I didn't care that I was underage. As long as my dad let me go, everything was fine.

I was fuming as I made my way to Rye's house. It was a good thing I had a few minutes to vent by myself, otherwise by the time I got to his house, I'd probably take my anger out on him. Once I did get to his house, I was calmer. I decided there was no point in fretting over the things my mom said because her opinion didn't matter.

I knocked on the front door. Rye was expecting me. I heard him shout out 'I'll get it' to whoever else was in the house. He opened the door with a smile.

"Hey," he said and pushed the door open, but I didn't go in. I had an agenda.

"Hey, do you wanna go clothes shopping with me?" I asked.

"Clothes shopping?" he groaned. "Ugh..."

I frowned at his lack of enthusiasm. Although, I suppose Rye was just your typical guy. He had never liked clothes shopping. I remember having to literally drag him out of bed a few years ago so he could go clothes shopping for himself because he grew out of everything, and everything had holes in it. That was an effort.

"You don't have to if you don't want to. I can probably ask Bianca or Jack," I said.

"No, no," he shook his head, "I'll go."

I smiled brightly, "Yay! This'll be fun."

"Hanging out in girl's clothes stores? Fun? I don't think so," he said.

"Do not take away my happy vibes. I've already had enough of that today," I said.

"Why, what happened?" he asked in concern.

"Just my stupid mom. Doesn't matter. Let's just go," I urged him.

"Okay, okay, chill," he said. "Give me a sec."

I waited at the door as he went back in. I heard him speaking to his parents and soon enough he had his car keys and then we were off, heading towards the mall. I felt so much calmer being with Rye than I was with my mom. Being with my friends always made everything bad go away.

I played with the radio stations in Rye's car, flicking from channel to channel to try and find some music I liked, but it was useless.

"Quit it," Rye said and slapped my hand.

"Get a better car that'll let me play the music on my phone then I won't have to play with the radio," I said.

"Me get a better car? You don't even have your license," he said.

"That's not fair. You're older than me," I said.

"You could get your permit if you just tried," he said like a know-it-all. He had been trying to get me to get my permit for a while now. I knew how to drive. I had just been procrastinating on making it official.

"I'm lazy. Besides, why would I need to drive when I have you to chauffer me around?" I asked and poked my tongue out at him.

He rolled his eyes at me, but he smiled nonetheless. I got distracted from our conversation when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I took it out and had an instant smile when I saw it was Will. He had been texting me a little bit since he got my number.

'Morning beautiful. Have a good day,' Was what the message said.

I bit my lip to try and stop myself from squealing or doing something equally as girly and embarrassing in front of Rye. I replied to the text. I wasn't good at this whole flirting thing, so all said was 'Good morning, you too.' I was pathetic at this, but I still couldn't wipe the smile or blush off my face.

"Who are you texting?" Rye asked curiously.

"No one," I said coyly.

I glanced at Rye to see his suspicious look. He was onto me.

"Is it Will?" he asked.

"No," I lied.

"You're a liar," he said bluntly.

I just smiled more. It was obvious I had a bit of a crush on Will. Anyone within a ten mile radius could probably catch onto that. I couldn't help it. He was just such a smooth talker and made me feel special.

"Do you actually like him?" Rye asked.

"I dunno," I shrugged, too nervous to tell him exactly how I felt, "Maybe...I mean he's nice and he's interested in me so...I dunno..."

"You're too innocent for your own good," he laughed.

"Am not," I argued.

"Are too," he said back.

I ignored him and cross my arms over my chest. I wasn't that innocent. Or maybe I was. I was innocent in the way that I had never been in a relationship with a guy before. I was innocent in the way that I had never done anything physical except make out with people. I didn't have an innocent mind though. Far from it.

Rye turned the radio up and we didn't speak anymore all the way to the mall. I texted Will a bit more. I didn't want to ignore him. This was, after all, the first guy who had ever shown any interest in me. I wondered if he was going to ask me out. The thought of having a boyfriend made my heart race with anxiety. I didn't know how to handle that at all, but it was exciting.

I was so focused on the texting that I didn't even realize we were at the mall until Rye turned the car off. I told Will I had to go and put my phone away. It was ridiculous how giddy I was over a few texts, and literally all we talked about just then were our plans for the day. It was the fact that he called me beautiful and gorgeous is what got to me.

"So, what kind of clothes are you looking for? Hot pink and frilly?" Rye teased me when we entered the mall. There were so many stores here that I was already overwhelmed.

"Do I seem like the hot pink and frilly type to you?" I asked.

"Oh right, you're emo," he said with a smile.

"I'm not emo!" I argued.

"Okay, yeah, sure," he said in disbelief.

"Just shut up. Don't speak. You're only here to hold my bags anyway," I said.

"Ooh, that's nice," he said sarcastically.

I smiled at him and walked on ahead.

"What shop first?" he asked when he caught up.

"Well...I've always wanted to shop in the girl's section of Forever 21," I told him.

"I guess we'll start there then," he said.

I smiled, loving the fact that he was doing this with me with minimal complaining. The two of us walked along side by side making small talk until we got to my chosen store. Walking in made me excited, but at the same time I felt like I was in way over my head. I had never had the chance to do this before and I admitted to myself that I was a bit lost.

"I don't even know what I'm looking for," I said as I looked up and down at the rows of clothes.

"We should have brought Bianca," he said.

I frowned and shook my head, "No, I need to able to do this on my own."

"Does that mean I can leave?" he asked hopefully.

"Nice try," I muttered, then a thought came to mind, "Hey, how did your date go with Bianca last night anyway?"

"It was fine," he said simply.

"Just fine?" I asked.

He shrugged and looked away. What was going on with him? When I noticed the annoyance cross his eyes, I knew what went wrong.

"Oh my God, did you have some issues again?" I giggled.

"It's not my fault, okay? She was throwing herself at me all night and it was too much. It's not my fault," he defended quickly.

"A hot girl was throwing themselves at you and you didn't follow through?" I asked, shocked.

"Shut up. It didn't feel natural, and I was nervous, which is your fault, by the way. If you didn't make me all self-conscious and shit then I wouldn't have had a problem," he snapped.

I just laughed some more. This was too good. I felt a little bad for laughing at him, but Rye and I had the type of friendship where we teased each other a lot so I couldn't stop laughing.

"You are so gonna owe me one hundred dollars," I said.

"Am not," he grumbled.

"Whatever you say," I sang.

I didn't tease him anymore. He was on the path to grumpiness and I'd rather him be in a good mood. It was still kind of funny that he couldn't make things work with Bianca, and then I felt bad. What if Rye had a legitimate problem? I swept that idea under the rug though. I knew he was just waiting for the right person before having sex with them.

Rye and I shopped all day and it was actually a lot of fun. I tried on a lot of clothes, and I mean a lot. I wanted to try and figure out what my style was. I knew what I liked and didn't like, but how it looked on me was another story. Rye was such a good friend as he followed me around, holding piles of clothes and bags. It was actually kind of funny, but he just went with it.

I decided Forever 21 was my favorite shop. I tried a whole lot of others too. By the end of the day my feet were hurting and I was tired of getting undressed and redressed every few minutes, and I think Rye was getting tired of me asking his opinion on every single outfit too.

By the end of the day I had a few short dresses, rompers, denim shorts, skirts, tops and pajamas. It turned out I liked a lot of the black clothes and darker shades like dark red and grey. At the same time there were some softer colors like pastel pinks, blues and purples that I liked too.

I got a lot of accessories too, like some cheap bracelets and rings. They were things I always admired but never had the guts to buy until now. I had a few pairs of shoes too; boots, sandals and converse. I didn't like heels. That was something I learnt today. They were fun to wear for like a minute, but I wouldn't want to wear them all day.

Dad was probably going to kill me when he looks at his credit card bill. I didn't spend too much, but it was probably a bit more than he expected. I'd have to do a lot to make up for it. I didn't regret spending what I did though. I had what I needed and I was more than happy about it.

"You're gonna be like one of those soft grunge Tumblr girls," Rye said as we walked along the halls of the mall.

"I'm so not pretty enough to be like them," I said.

"Whatever," he scoffed.

I glanced at him. He was holding all my bags, and even though I offered to take some, he refused. He said it was a man's job. He was an idiot.

"Are you ready to go? My arms hurt," he said.

"Hey, you offered to hold them all. This is what happens when your best friend is a girl," I said.

"I take it back. Here," he said and handed me a couple of bags.

I smiled and shook my head but took some of the bags from him.

"Fine, I'm done. Let's go home, you big baby," I teased.

He didn't say anything, just nodded. Together we headed towards the exit. As we were walking though, a certain store caught my eyes. It was Victoria's Secret. We walked past on our way in but it didn't even register in my mind to stop, but now, I found myself kind of longing to go in there.

"You wanna go in?" Rye asked.

I looked at him, a little startled. I didn't realize I had stopped walking.

"No, that's stupid," I said.

"Stupid? Why?" he asked.

"I don't even have boobs. What's the point?" I asked, feeling a bit down.

"So? I know plenty of chicks with chests flatter than yours who wear bras and still look hot as hell," he said.

Without waiting for me to answer, he went inside. I was nervous, but I chased after him into the store anyway. It wasn't awkward that I was in here, it was just being here with Rye that made it so strange.

"Just have a look," Rye encouraged.

I guess it couldn't hurt. I had no intention on buying anything, but it was all so pretty that I just had to have a look. Naturally I found my way over to the lingerie that was for girls with smaller chests. I ended up stopping at one that was dark red. It was a slip. It had a small cup size for the bra and then thin, see-through material that went down and covered lacy, boy leg underwear.

"Get it," Rye said, appearing behind me.

I jumped, startled, and felt my cheeks heat up.

"No, I have no reason for it, and it's like a hundred bucks," I said.

"But you like it?" he asked.

I looked at him and his cheeky smile.

"I'm not doing this with you," I said and walked away.

"Why not? I'm a boob and lingerie enthusiast. I'm the perfect person to do this with," he said.

"You're my friend," I reminded him.

"A friend who has a passion for fashion," he joked.

"You're an idiot. Let's just go. I have what I need," I said and left the store with him trailing behind me.

"Fine, you're no fun," he grumbled, and the two of us left.


	16. Chapter 16

I went into Rye's room after getting changed in the bathroom. I was drying my hair with a towel and when I flicked it back up away from my eyes, I saw Rye staring at me from his bed.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing. Just not used to seeing you in booty shorts...or baby pink," he teased.

I looked down at myself and had never felt more self-conscious. I liked these pajamas. I thought they were cute. There was even a sleepy kitten on the front of the Cami. Maybe being 'cute' wasn't right for when I was staying over Rye's.

"I'm changing," I murmured and went to turn around.

"Don't be an idiot," he stopped me.

"Well if I look stupid..."

"You don't," he said with a smile. "You need to relax and remember I don't care what you look like. You can be yourself around me, dumbass."

I rolled my eyes at him. At least I was wearing clothes. He just went around wearing his boxers every night and that was it. I guess it just made me uncomfortable when people pointed out anything about my looks these days. I changed my appearance so much and while I loved wearing the type of clothes I was into, I was so conscious of the way people would act when they saw it.

"Your phone is going crazy by the way," he said.

"That's because-," I stopped mid-sentence, "Never mind."

I went and sat on the floor mattress and picked up my phone. Like I suspected, it was Will. With his constant flirting lately, I felt a little bold to flirt back. I intentionally told him I was going to have a shower, because I thought it'd, tease him, and now that I read my messages I realized it worked.

I read through the messages.

'You can't just tell me that!'  
'What did that winky emoji mean?' 'Are you back yet?'  
'Come oooooooon.'  
'You're killing me here.'  
'Don't make me come get you...'

I was blushing like crazy. I had never had a guy so interested in me before. It was making my heart race. I didn't know what to reply with because I had never done this before. I bit my bottom lip and thought about it.

'All done. Sorry you missed out :(,' I sent back.

I cringed at myself. I hoped he wouldn't think I was being weird or awkward. This was weird and awkward though. I got another text from him.

'Send pics? Lol jk,' he said.

'Nice try :P At least ask me out first,' I sent back.

Once I hit send I regretted it. Was that too forward? It was probably too forward. Oh God.

'When and where?' he replied.

Now what? I was suddenly filled with fear. A date with Will? I couldn't do that. I had only been on dates with Emma. I had never been on a date with a guy before, especially an older guy. I froze. I couldn't think of a reply.

"Are you sexting?" Rye asked me out of nowhere. He was peering over at my phone screen.

"No!" I snapped and set my phone down.

"Andy Fowler, you are sexting a college boy," he accused.

"No I'm not," I denied.

"Yeah you are," he chuckled.

"No I'm not. Shut up. It's sleep time. It's time for sleep," I said quickly.

I lay down and pulled the covers over my body. I was avoiding Will and now I was avoiding the topic of Will. I didn't think I'd be this scared when it came to guys. I thought it'd be just like girls. It wasn't.

"It's like eight," he said.

"Uh huh," I nodded, "Turn the light off when you're ready, will you?"

Rye looked unimpressed, but he got out of bed and turned the light off. When he came back, he intentionally kicked my leg as he stepped over me.

"Ow, watch it! That hurt," I whined.

"Why don't you get Will to kiss it better?" he teased.

"Maybe I will," I grumbled.

He chucked as he fell back onto his bed. He sighed and didn't say anything. Finally, some peace and quiet. I stared up at the ceiling. I wasn't even feeling tired. I wanted to get my phone and text Will back but I had no idea what to say, and I didn't want Rye making fun of me about it either.

"I feel like you should be sleeping up here," Rye spoke.

"What, just because I'm a girl you're trying to get me into your bed? Some things never change," I joked.

"I mean...you're a girl which means you should take the bed. It's the gentlemanly thing of me to do," he said.

"Masculinity is so fragile," I sighed.

"Just switch with me," he sighed.

"No. Don't start treating me differently now, Beaumont," I said.

"But you are different," he said like it was obvious.

I didn't know how to feel about that, so I went quiet. I didn't want to be different. I wanted to just be me. I still wanted to be Andy. I still wanted to be his best friend. I didn't want him to treat me how he treats all the other girls. He treats them like they're objects. It was the one quality I didn't like in my best friend. I didn't want him thinking I was different.

"Andy?" he asked.

"Sleeping," I mumbled.

"Did I say something wrong?" he asked.

"Yes," I said simply.

"What'd I say?" he asked in confusion.

"Doesn't matter. Just go to sleep," I said.

For a few moments he didn't say anything. I figured he was doing as he was told and was going to sleep. That was unlikely though.

"You're different," he repeated. "You're still you but you're different. That doesn't mean it's bad. If you think you aren't any different now after coming out, then you're an idiot."

I guess he had a point there. It was funny, I was so intent on changing and becoming more of myself, but at the same time I was so terrified of change. It was something I didn't want to talk about anymore right now.

"I'm not tired," I admitted.

"Of course you aren't. It's eight," he said.

A moment later the room lit up. Rye had his laptop out. He always slept with his laptop on his bed. He was a bit of an addict sometimes.

"Netflix?" he asked.

"Can we watch Teen Wolf?" I asked quickly. We were half way through season 3 and I wanted to finish it. I was always jumping at the chance even though he wasn't that into the show.

"Yes, we can watch Teen Wolf," he said begrudgingly.

I smiled and got off the floor. I brought my pillow with me and climbed into bed with Rye. I stole half his blanket and relaxed against the pillows. He set the laptop in front of us and put it on the episode we were up to.

"You only watch this for the hot guys, don't you? It all makes sense now," he said.

"You caught me," I nodded.

"And here I was thinking you're into the arrow chick," he said.

"More like Dylan O'Brien," I admitted.

"Everything I know is a lie!" he said dramatically.

"You're an idiot," I said and hit his arm playfully.

"No, you're an idiot," he said back.

"Shh," I hushed him, "Dylan's on the screen."

He went to speak again but I held my finger up as a warning. He rolled his eyes but he stayed quiet. I smiled and focused on the show. This was nice. I loved when we just sat here and watched Netflix.

It wasn't weird being in bed with him. We had done this since we were kids. I remember one time Brook and Sonny were over too and they gave us the strangest looks when we lay in bed, close together watching a show. It was completely normal for us though, but they thought it was 'gay'. I guess now that I came out as a girl, there's nothing gay about it.

I wondered if things would change with Rye and I now that I was out. We were no longer two guy best friends. We were a guy and a girl being friends and I felt like that had a lot of different rules. I just didn't want anything to change between us. I still wanted to be his best friend, whether I'm a girl or not.

Rye and I watched episode after episode of Teen Wolf and with each episode I found myself getting more and more tired. It got to the point where I was forcing myself to stay awake, but then half way through one of the episodes, I gave in and finally fell asleep.

* * *

Sunday mornings were good for one thing; sleeping in. Unfortunately, I didn't get that privilege today because at seven in the morning, Rye's phone alarm went off. I opened my eyes and groaned when the light hit them. I covered my face as I willed the alarm to turn off by itself.

"It's Sunday. Why is your alarm going off?" I asked in a croaky voice.

"Because I forgot to turn it off," he said.

I felt warmth across my body and it took me a second to realize Rye was leaning over me to get to his phone. Seconds later the incessant noise stopped, but the warmth didn't leave me body. I opened my eyes and sleepily looked up at Rye who was looking down at me with a frown.

"You're in my bed," he said.

Yes, I was. I fell asleep here.

"You told me to sleep in the bed, so you're in my bed," I said.

"You're dumb. It's my bed. Get out," he said.

I rolled over and closed my eyes.

"No. I'm a girl, remember. I get the bed," I said.

"Whatever," he murmured and then he lay back down.

I sighed in content now that he was leaving me alone. I just wanted to sleep the rest of the morning away, but then I noticed something. It was something that unfortunately I didn't have any control over. I had morning wood.

"Great," I whispered to myself.

"What?" Rye asked.

"Nothing," I said quickly.

I sat up and looked down at myself. I was a girl. I wasn't supposed to have to deal with this, but I was used to it. I lived my entire life with a dick. It was just there. Usually I'd just let it go away by itself, but it was awkward with Rye next to me so I got out of bed, grabbed some clothes and headed to the shower. I was feeling groggy anyway and needed the shower to wake me up.

I stood under the cool water, feeling tired, just standing there. I leant against the tiles. I could have fallen asleep again right now. I looked down at myself. That stupid thing between my legs had gone down. Good. Maybe I should be giving tips to Rye on how to get it up. I started giggling at the thought. Bless Bianca for giving me something to make fun of Rye for forever.

Once I felt the water start to get too cold, I realized I had been in here for way too long. I turned the shower off and got out. I grabbed a towel and just as I had it wrapped around my body, the door opened.

"Rye!" I snapped at him.

In a second he covered his eyes and turned around.

"Sorry, sorry!" he said quickly.

"Get out!"

"Why didn't you lock the door?!"

"I forgot! Go away!"

"I'm going, I'm going," he said quickly.

I huffed in frustration as he left, shutting the door behind him. My heart was racing. I pretty much just got caught naked. He was lucky I had the towel or I would have died right then and there.

I quickly dried off and dressed in one of the shirts and jeans I bought yesterday. I was dreading going back to Rye. I didn't know why I was freaking out. I shouldn't be. He had seen me naked before in the locker rooms at school, and he's walked in on me here before too and he didn't care. I never cared. Now it was different.

Once I was dressed I went back out and into his bedroom. He was sitting on his bed on his laptop. He didn't look at me.

"You should learn to knock," I said.

He glanced up and back to his laptop.

"I know," he said, "I was tired. Wasn't thinking."

"Right..."

I sat on the floor mattress and grabbed my phone. I had a few texts from Will. One asked where I was, in another he came to the conclusion I might be asleep, and another was a good morning text. I smiled and replied, saying sorry that I got distracted, but I avoided his question of a possible date.

"I have a confession," Rye said.

I looked up at him.

"Oh?"

He motioned for me to get up, so I did. I sat on the edge of his bed. Now I was a little scared. What could he possibly have to confess? I wouldn't have thought much of it, but he looked nervous.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Well...you know I accept you, right?" he asked.

"Yeah?"

"Like, I know you're a girl. I accept that you're a girl," he said.

"Yes..."

"It's just...and I feel so awful for this...but, since you've come out I've still kind of been seeing you as a guy..." he admitted.

"Oh..." I didn't know what to say.

"Like..." He stopped and sighed, "In my head I know you're a girl, but it's like sometimes when I look at you I see my guy friend in a skirt, and I don't mean to. I've really, really tried not to see you as my guy friend who is a girl..."

"Do you have a point here?" I asked, feeling uncomfortable.

He frowned, noticing my change in tone.

"I'm sorry. I really shouldn't have told you that, because it doesn't matter," he said.

"You see me as a guy still. It matters," I muttered. I wanted to leave. I just wanted to go home. I wanted to cry, even though I knew he was trying to be accepting and he was being nice, I just wanted to cry.

"No, but this is the point, I'm getting to my point," he said. "What I'm saying is, I've known you almost my whole life, and for most of that time, you've been my guy best friend. It's just a little hard to click my fingers and see you as purely a girl, even though I know you are a girl."

"I guess that's reasonable..." I said.

"Right, right. It's just that...in my head, I've been finding it hard, but...when I walked in on you just then, my first instinct was 'I just walked in on a girl. I shouldn't see this. It's polite to turn away,'" he said with a smile.

The anxiety I was feeling washed away. He was finally getting to his point and I think I understood what he meant now.

"So...what you're saying is..."

"I'm saying, for the first time I didn't think of you as my guy friend who was being a girl. I thought of you as a girl, and just as a girl, and I just wanted to say that," he said.

I couldn't help but smile.

"And I wanted to say sorry for my brain not registering it sooner," he said.

I laughed a little and then the laugh turned into a few tears which I wiped away quickly.

"Wait, why are you crying? I didn't mean to make you cry. I didn't mean to think of you as a guy still. It just took a bit off getting used to, and I'm used to it now..." he said quickly.

"No, it's not that. I just...I don't know. Before I came out I didn't think you'd accept me at all, or that you'd always just still see me as a guy, but you don't...and that means a lot," I said.

He smiled at me and shuffled towards me. He put an arm around my shoulder.

"I just wanted to let you know what I had been thinking. And like, I dunno. I felt like I was lying to you being so supportive when in my head I was being an idiot. I just wanted to tell you the truth. I one hundred per cent see you as a girl. I don't want you to worry and think I don't," he said and kissed the side of my head.

I smiled and leant in to his side hug.

"Now if only everyone else could have this epiphany too," I murmured.

"Don't worry, they will," he promised.

He could promise all he wanted, but the fact of the matter is, not everyone was this accepting. Not everyone would see me as a girl, and not everyone was as perfect as Rye was.


	17. Chapter 17

"Jack!" I called out after him when I saw him in the school halls, "Jack, wait up!"

He turned around when he heard his name the second time. He smiled when he saw me. I got to school a little earlier that morning and none of my other friends were about. It was a relief to see Jack. I hadn't spoken to him in person since last Monday.

"Hey there stranger," he said when I caught up to him.

"Hey, yeah, sorry. I didn't mean to just kind of like, stop hanging out with you or anything," I said. I breathed in and out to catch my breath. It wasn't often that I ran.

"I get it, you've got your friends and I've got mine," he said.

"You're my friend though," I said quickly.

"Good to hear," he said with a bright smile. "What are you doing here so early?"

"Needed to get away from my mom. You?" I asked.

"I have to get here early on a Monday to book a room for the GSA meeting," he said.

"Oh, right, yeah, you do that thing," I said.

"Yeah, I do that thing," he laughed. "You should come this week."

"Can't. Clubs are for losers. Social suicide. All that jazz," I joked.

"Oh come on, you're like a superstar to them," he said.

"I am?"

"Hell yeah. You came out on Facebook in a video and you're still hella popular. They want you there," he said. "But if it'll ruin your rep, don't bother."

I did think about it. I had thought about it before. The thought of going to a group of strangers and talking about my gender didn't sit well with me. I just wanted to be me. I didn't want my gender to be the only thing people thought of when they saw me.

"It's not my rep. It's just not my thing," I said.

"That's fine," he shrugged. "Walk and talk?"

"Sure," I said, and the two of us kept walking down the hall. "What have you been up to?"

"Not a lot. You? Good to see your friends are cool about everything," he said.

"Yeah, it is. Rye's being great," I said.

"I'm kind of surprised," he said.

"Really? Why?"

"He seemed like a dick," he said.

"Yeah well, you don't really know him that well," I said defensively.

"Okay chill out," he said.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"It's fine."

"It's just that he's trying really hard, so like, I dunno," I shrugged.

It was so weird talking to Jack about Rye now. They were both my friends but completely different as if I met them in different worlds. It'd be easier if they were friends too.

"You should come sit with us at lunch and you'll see for yourself how great he is," I said.

"I don't need proof. If you say he's great, he's great," he said.

I frowned. Maybe he doesn't want to be involved with my friends. I didn't blame him. My friends were associated with people like Emma, and Emma was horrible to Jack. We were parts of different worlds. We got along so well though. We had things in common, which reminded me of something I wanted to talk to him about.

"Hey can I ask your advice about something?" I asked.

"I knew it. You only come to me when you need help," he accused.

"Not true. I only just thought of this question just then," I argued.

"Well by all means, use my wisdom for your own gain," he joked.

"Fine, I will. So, question, how do you, like, date people?" I asked and even I knew that didn't make a whole lot of sense.

"Well...I go out to places with them. That's how most people date," he said slowly like I was stupid.

"No! I mean with like...being trans and all," I said quietly. I felt dumb now.

"What's going on, Andy?" he asked.

I sighed and got to the point, "Remember that guy from the club?"

"The one who shoved his tongue down your throat?" he asked.

"Yes, that's the one. Turns out he's Brook's step brother and he's been texting me lately and he seems interested," I told him.

"Okay, well first of all, he's a fuckboy. But other than that, what's the problem?" he asked.

"He's not a fuckboy. He's sweet," I said.

"They all seem sweet in the beginning," he said.

"How can you tell the difference between a sweet guy and a fuckboy?" I asked.

"Vibes," he said simply. "And I'm a guy. I know how we work."

He was wrong. Will had been nothing but nice to me. I didn't want to argue about it so I dropped that topic.

"Whatever, anyway. It's just like...I mean, obviously he knows I was born, like...with, like male parts and all..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say.

"Listen, if a guy really, really likes you, he won't care about what's in your pants," he said, and then he paused, giving me a suspicious look. "Is this just about the club guy? Or are you talking about all guys?"

I thought about it, and I guess I meant all guys. Like, what guy would want to date a girl like me? It was no lie that I was different to cisgender girls. Did that mean the rules changed with dating guys? I had to ask Jack.

"All guys. Like, with you, you're into girls, right?" I asked.

"Mhm," he nodded.

"So...if you're with a girl, or looking for a girl...do they have to be someone who's into guys...or into girl parts...ugh, I'm sorry. This is too personal and I'm confusing even myself," I said with a sigh.

"No, it's okay. This shit can be confusing, I know. I find it best not to worry about labels and all that stuff. Just go with the flow. Honestly, there are gonna be guys who won't be into you because of what's going on under your clothes. Some will have no problem with it, and remember that bisexual and pan people exist and a lot of them won't care," he said.

"Hmm...true..." I said.

I guess that did help. I was so worried about straight guys being disgusted in me. This wasn't even about Will. I had no clue what Will's sexuality was. I was just thinking about the future.

"So this club guy, be careful, yeah?" he said.

"I will. He seems fine," I said with a shrug.

"But still..."

Jack seemed like a bit of a judgey person. He didn't really seem to like Rye or Will. I didn't want to think anything of it though. He just seemed really wary about everyone.

"Anyway, I gotta go to the bathroom. I'll catch you later?" I asked.

"Wait, I have a question myself," he said.

"What is it?" I asked.

"That Bianca girl you hang out with..." he started.

"What about her?"

"Is she single?" he asked.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I yelled.

It was an outburst that came out of nowhere, but for some reason I was instantly ticked off. He frowned and took a step away from me as if I were a crazy person, and I didn't blame him.

"What is it with her? Why does everyone wanna be with her?" I asked.

"Someone's jealous," he said under his breath, "Never mind. Forget I asked."

"Sorry," I sighed, "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap. It's just that literally all of my friends have been with her."

"Probably because she's beautiful," he said.

"Probably," I muttered. I guess I was jealous. Now that I thought about it, I was really, really jealous.

"So...is she single?" he asked again, giving me a cheeky smile.

"I don't know. Not really. She's with Rye, sort of. I don't really know what they are," I said.

We were stopped outside the bathrooms and he narrowed his eyes at me suspiciously.

"Are you into Rye?" he asked.

The question was so random and out of nowhere that I was a little lost for a few moments.

"Me? Into Rye? Where did that even come from?" I asked in confusion.

"Uh, you're jealous of Bianca. Bianca's with Rye. I did the math," he said.

"I'm jealous of Bianca because she's hot and everyone loves her, that's all," I said defensively.

"Okay, whatever you say," he said, but I could hear the doubt in his voice.

"You know, you're very opinionated about things you have no idea about," I muttered.

"I knew you were trans before you even said you were trans. I have psychic powers," he said with a goofy smile.

"You're annoying, and I'm going to the bathroom," I said and walked past him.

"Mmk, I'll catch you later," he said, and then he went on down the hall.

I rolled my eyes at him. As nice and helpful as he was, his opinions on certain things was actually really annoying. I tried not to think about it. I liked Jack and didn't want something stupid like this getting in the way of our friendship.

I went into the girl's bathroom. I wasn't really expecting anyone to be in here considering it was early and not many people were wandering the halls, but when I did go in I heard the distinct sound of crying coming from one of the closed stalls.

"Um, are you okay?" I called out awkwardly.

"Oh great, just what I need," the person said.

Emma. It was Emma. I thought about running away, but seconds later the door slammed open. I looked at her mascara smudged face. She looked a mess, but at the same time, still so pretty. It was hard to feel sorry for her when I remembered what she did to me.

"What's wrong? You run outta tampons? Because my friend Jack picked up a few last week," I said with a sweet smile.

"Oh shut up! You did this! This is all your fault!" she yelled at me.

"My fault? I haven't done anything to you," I said.

"It is your fault! Everyone thinks I'm a lesbian because of you and this stupid being a girl bullshit! They think I dated a girl!" she snapped at me and pouted.

It was a little harder to make fun of her now. People making fun of others for their sexuality was something I hated, even if Emma was actually straight. It still didn't make it okay.

"Well, they're stupid," I shrugged.

"Oh shut up! Guys don't even wanna talk to me anymore because they think I'm gonna turn them into girls. They think I made you this way! I'm forever gonna be known as the girl that turned you into a girl!" she cried with a whining face.

"They'll get over it. Trust me, I know better than anyone else not to worry about what other people think," I said.

"Easy for you to say. You're the brave one that came out to the world. Everyone still loves you. I'm a joke to everyone now, because of you," she said.

I didn't know what to say to her. It wasn't my fault people were being mean to her. I couldn't make it better. I didn't know if I even wanted to make it better. There was the bitter part of me that was glad she was experiencing this, because she bullied me, so it gave me a bit of satisfaction knowing she got a taste of her own medicine.

"You know what, whatever. I can't feel sorry for you," I admitted.

I would find another bathroom. I turned and went to leave but stopped when she spoke again.

"I think I loved you, you know?" she said.

I turned back to her. What in the world was she talking about?

"I liked you so much, despite what you think, and then you just broke up with me and you think it's okay because you're into guys, but it's not. It's not okay that you were with me just to cover up the truth. It's not okay," she said quietly.

"No," I said without a second thought, "You didn't like me. You'd never do what you did if you liked me. I'm sorry that I led you on. I'm sorry I lied. I was confused. But don't you stand here and try and make me feel guilty."

I didn't wait around. I left the bathroom.

"You're an abomination, Fowler!" I heard her shout, "You're going to hell!"

I rolled my eyes and kept going. I had so little patience lately and was determined to only surround myself was positive people and cut the negative ones out of my life. Emma was toxic and I didn't want anything to do with her anymore.


	18. Chapter 18

I sat in performing arts class with Rye at the back of the classroom. I was glaring daggers at Emma. I couldn't believe that for a split second I felt sorry for her. She was the devil. I had to remind myself of that. She was an awful person and awful people didn't even deserve my attention.

Rye could tell how annoyed I was. He was on edge as though I were about to explode. I gripped my pen in my hand tightly to stop myself from throwing it at Emma. Just breathe, Andy, breathe.

"What'd she even do?" Rye whispered.

"She's stupid. That's what," I grumbled.

"Don't let her get to you," he said.

"She called me an abomination," I told him.

"Her face is an abomination," he muttered.

That made me smile. I looked at him and shook my head. He was such a dork sometimes. At least he made me calm down a bit. I dropped my pen and turned my attention away from Emma and at Mrs. Williams who was about to speak.

"Morning everyone," she said as everyone began to quiet down. "I want to applaud you all for your singing assessment. A lot of you did very well. Even if you didn't have the best voices, it was nice to see most of you taking on board the techniques I taught you."

"What'd you get for that?" I whispered to Rye.

It was the end of last week when we performed our songs. The singing part of the semester only lasted a couple of weeks. Mrs. William said we needed more time to work on a class play so she wanted to get the singing and dancing over with quickly. Rye surprised me with his singing. I shouldn't have been surprised though. He was always good at everything.

I didn't even know he was a good singer. Mrs. Williams emailed us our results over the weekend. I got an A- which I wasn't expecting at all. I forgot to ask Rye what he got until just now.

"An A," he said.

"Ugh, asshole, I got an A-," I grumbled.

"Guess I'm just better than you," he said and poked his tongue out at me.

"Are you two quite done!?" Mrs. Williams called out.

Rye and I looked back to the front of the room. Everyone was quiet and Mrs. Williams had her arms cross over her chest with an annoyed looked on her face. I sheepishly sunk into my chair, feeling embarrassed before she went on.

"I'm excited to start the dancing portion of this semester. You will be learning to salsa. The second half of the semester you will learn other styles, but the salsa is imperative for the small class play I have written for the first half. We will start off simple with the basics before you learn my choreography," she explained.

"Ugh, I thought the dancing would be something cool like hip hop, not freaking salsa," Rye whispered to me.

"Shut up," I said quietly and hit his arm. I stopped when I got a glare from Mrs. Williams. I swear she hears and sees everything.

"Let's get started. I want everyone to pair up. We are outnumbered with girls in this class so there will be some same sex dance couples. Deal with it. If you are a girl who is paired with another girl, whoever is taller will be the "male"," she said making air quotes with her fingers, "Of the pair. All boys will pick a girl to be their partner though. Get to it. Choose your partner and get on the dance floor within thirty seconds or I will choose for you."

I suddenly felt so sick to my stomach. Even before I came out I hated when the class was split into girls and boys, but it was a simple decision to pretend I was a guy. Now that I was out, I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what everyone expected me to do. It turns out, I didn't have to make the decision.

"Come on, partner," Rye said and grabbed my hand. "Before the she-dragon pairs one of us up with Emma."

He pulled me up from my chair and I couldn't begin to explain how grateful I was to him. I couldn't stop smiling. For once, in a class where we had to be split into girls and boys, I was a girl.

I looked around at everyone else on the hardwood dance floor who was paired up. Rye and I were getting a few stares. He dropped my hand as he turned to Mrs. Williams to see what the next instruction was. I wasn't focused on her though. I was too aware of the eyes staring at me. I told myself over and over again not to care, but it was hard sometimes.

I noticed Emma, of course. The scowl on her face was hard to miss. She was asked by Josh to be his partner. That worked well. They were both pretty awful people. I looked around at the rest of the class. There were only about seven guys, and the other fifteen people were girls.

"Um, excuse me Mrs. Williams, I thought you said the boys had to pair up with girls, and yet I see two boys together right over there," Emma said and pointed towards Rye and I.

"Where?" Rye asked and turned around, looking at the blank space behind us, "I don't see them."

"Quiet, both of you. Emma, I will not tolerate exclusion in this classroom," Mrs. Williams said sternly.

"But it makes more sense for Andy to dance with a girl," Emma said with that snooty, smug smile on her face.

"Emma, I'm glad you're so supportive of two girls dancing together. From now on you'll be paired with Lisa. That means Honor, you'll be with Josh," Mrs. Williams said, pointing to the two girls who had paired up.

I didn't even try to hide my smile. I couldn't love Mrs. Williams enough right at this moment.

"That isn't fair!" Emma argued.

"Neither is your attitude, now switch partners or you'll be sitting out and earn a fail for this segment," Mrs. Williams said.

"This is, like, teacher/student bullying," Emma accused.

"Take it up with the principal after class, right now though, get to your partner. You will be the male in this performance," Mrs. Williams said.

Emma looked like an angry chipmunk. It was so hilarious. She deserved it after what she said this morning. I looked at Rye who was holding back his laughter.

"Okay, everyone face your partners," Mrs. Williams ordered.

Rye and I faced each other. It just sank in that Rye and I would be dancing together, but he had such a goofy smile on his face that I relaxed. This wouldn't be weird at all. We were friends.

"Boys, and girls assuming the male role, put your right hand around the back of your partner. Girls, put your left hand on your partner's shoulder. With your free hands, you will hold each other's, like this," Mrs. Williams said and stole one of the other guys to demonstrate the positioning.

It looked easy enough. I turned back to Rye. He didn't hesitate, He stepped towards me, sliding his hand around my back. He pulled me close and took my other hand in his.

"Those family reunions dancing with my grandma are really gonna pay off," he said with a smirk.

"Great, you already know what you're doing, whereas I have two left feet," I muttered.

"You'll be fine, especially in my very capable hands," he said.

I rolled my eyes at him and put my hand on his shoulder. We were friends and I didn't think this would be weird, but at the same time it was really strange being so close to him. I looked away at Mrs. Williams who kept talking.

"Today I will teach you some very, very basic footwork. Today's lesson is all about finding a rhythm and chemistry with your partner. You need to become comfortable with them. The salsa is a very fun and sexy dance. If you are awkward with your partner, you will lose marks," Mrs. Williams said.

"But what about us girls paired with other girls. I'm not a lesbian," Emma snapped.

"This is also an acting class, Miss Simmons. I believe you want to become an actress. You will not get anywhere if you cannot even dance with another girl without complaining," Mrs. Williams said.

"Yeah, if Rye can dance with a dude, you can get all hot with a chick," Josh said. He thought he was the class clown, but really he was just a moron.

"You shut your mouth before I come over there, Johnson," Rye snapped at him.

"Enough!" Mrs. Williams shouted, "If there is one more word from anyone at all that doesn't have something to do with the technique of dancing the salsa, you will instantly be put in detention. I don't want to hear any of your voices."

The entire class went silent. I felt like I was such a nuisance here. People had to keep on defending me and I hated it. I didn't want to be in the spotlight. I just wanted to get on with my favorite class and that's it.

Rye was all riled up because of Josh's comment, even more than I was. I knew it because his fingers were digging into my back. I looked at him. He was looking at Josh hatefully.

"It's okay," I whispered.

He looked back at me and his face softened, but he shook his head, because it wasn't okay. All of these rude comments directed towards me was never okay, but I was learning to brush them off.

"Now, let's get back to it," Mrs. Williams said.

"This is the very basic footwork that most beginners learn. Boys, you'll do this," Mrs. Williams demonstrated, "And girls, this..."

We all watched her as she repeated herself over and over, and then she let us go on our own. She put some music on and she let us practice together while she wandered around the room, critiquing us.

Rye wasn't wrong when he said he already knew how to do this. When we first started, I went the completely wrong way and ended up standing on his feet and knocking into him.

"Wow, you weren't lying when you said you have two left feet," he teased.

"Shut up," I snapped, "It's hard."

"No it's not. Just let me take the lead. When I move forward, you move back, and when I move back, you move forward. Simple," he said like it was easy, but it really wasn't. I had no coordination.

He moved slowly, like at snail's pace, showing me and teaching me even better than Mrs. Williams did. Soon enough, we sped up a little more and I felt like I was finally getting the hang of it.

"See, there ya go," Rye said.

I glanced up at him with a smile, but when I did, I lost all concentration and ended up almost tripping over, but he was still holding me.

"So clumsy," he said with a cheeky smile.

"Don't be mean," I snapped.

"Learn to dance and I won't be," he said.

Okay, I had this. I looked down at our feet again because it was the only way I could learn. We danced together even longer and I got my rhythm back again. God help me when Mrs. Williams starts to teach us actual choreography.

"Now try without looking down," he said.

"Nope, can't," I said.

"Yes you can, count each step in your head. Just try," he said.

I guess there was no harm in trying, so I kept looking down and counted out the steps over and over and then, still counting in my head, I looked up at him. I smiled as I didn't mess anything up.

"See, told you you were in capable hands," he said.

"Sorry to ever doubt you," I said a little sarcastically.

He laughed at me. This was actually so much fun. I almost forgot we were in a class full of others, until one of those others who had somehow migrated towards us spoke.

"Fucking gay as hell," Josh said quietly, but not quiet enough. We both heard.

"What'd you say?!" Rye stopped dancing and stepped towards Josh.

"You heard me," Josh said cockily, "I just think it's a little gay you two dancing like that."

"There's nothing gay about it," Rye snapped.

"Just let it go," I said to Rye and grabbed his arm, "He's not worth it."

"Yeah, listen to your crossdressing boyfriend," Josh spat. I couldn't believe the hatred in his voice. I looked for Mrs. Williams, but she was over the other side of the classroom, completely unaware of what was going on.

"Seriously, back off before you regret it," Rye said.

"Are you threatening me?" Josh snarled and stepped forward.

"Don't fucking get up in my face!" Rye said and pushed him away.

Josh stepped forward and pushed him back. Rye, fuming in anger, pushed him again, and I saw the moment Josh snapped. It happened in a split second. One moment it was just a push fight filled with testosterone, and the next Josh was swinging his fist. Rye stepped back on impulse, dodging he punch, and instead Josh's fist connected with my face and I was on the floor.

I cried out in pain. My head was ringing and for a few scary moments, I couldn't hear anything. My cheek throbbed. I looked up and saw Rye knelt beside me. He took my face in his hands and was speaking. I closed my eyes for a second as the world went back to normal.

"Fovvs...Fovvs," Rye said, and I looked up at him.

"I'm good," I said, but I didn't even believe it.

"Are you okay?" he asked in a panic.

"What is going on here!?" Mrs. Williams' voice bellowed around the room.

She was hovering over me next. God, my head hurt so much. I slowly sat up with Rye's help. I was dizzy, so dizzy that I had to lean against Rye's shoulder. I had never been punched in the face before. I didn't think it'd be this bad.

"I didn't mean to hit it!" Josh said quickly, "I didn't mean to hit the...thing, it!"

Rye went to get up and go after him, but I grabbed his shirt. I didn't need this situation getting any worse. I was already mortified.

"You!" Mrs. Williams screamed at Josh, "You get to the principal's office right now! Honor, you make sure he gets there and tell them everything that happened."

I closed my eyes. I just wanted to fall asleep here and now. When I opened them again, Josh was gone. Rye was still with me and Mrs. Williams was knelt on the floor beside me and the rest of the class was watching. This was so embarrassing.

"Rye, get her to the nurse's office. She's going to need to see a doctor," she said.

"Is my face really that bad?" I asked.

"You might have a concussion," she said.

"Can you stand?" Rye asked.

"I think so," I answered.

I went to get up and Rye helped me so I was standing. I was still seeing stars. I was dizzy and feeling weak. Maybe the punch was harder that I thought.

"Go," Mrs. Williams ordered.

Rye led me from the room and soon we were on our own, slowly walking down the hall.

"I'm gonna kill him," he said.

"Don't. He's not worth you getting into trouble," I said.

"Oh, it'll be worth it. I'm gonna break his fucking face," he said.

"And I'm asking you not to...please," I said.

He didn't say anything. He kept his arm around my waist and it was a good thing because the further we walked, the worst I felt and then the dizziness became too much. The world felt like it was flipped. I fell into his arms and he stopped.

"Shit, Fovvs. You're not okay," he said.

"Yes I am. I just wanna take a nap," I said.

"No, no nap. I need you to keep walking. We're almost there," he said.

"Okay," I sighed.

I tried my best to walk down the hall. He took me to the nurse's office and soon I was sitting on the nurse's bed being examined by her with Rye being left outside the room. She said I definitely had a concussion and then she called my dad who was gonna be here quickly since he was on patrol in the area.

The nurse left the room, but wouldn't leave me unsupervised so she let Rye come back in. He looked at me in concern and came straight over to the bed I was sitting on, standing in front of me.

"What'd she say?" he said.

"That I have a concussion and I'm going to need to need to see a doctor, maybe even go to the hospital," I said.

"I'm gonna kill him," he said.

"You keep saying that, but I'm telling you, he's not worth it," I said again.

He sighed heavily and shook his head.

"I'm sorry," he murmured.

"What for?" I asked.

"The punch was supposed to be for me. If I didn't step back..." he trailed off.

"Oh shut up. This wasn't your fault," I said.

"I picked a fight with him. It's my fault," he said.

I gave a little smile, "Okay, it's kinda your fault."

He frowned and I saw him looking at my face, specifically my cheek which I could feel was swollen. There had been blood too. I saw it when the nurse cleaned me up.

"How bad does it look?" I asked.

"It's not that bad, just a cut and swelling," he said. "Looks kinda hot."

"Oh really?" I asked with a laugh.

"Oh yeah, cuts on girls faces? Totally sexy," he teased just to make me feel better.

"You're an idiot," I said.

"So you tell me all the time," he said.

I smiled, flinching a little in pain.

"You still tired?" he asked.

"Yep."

"No sleeping," he ordered.

"Yes, sir," I giggled, but then my smile fell when I thought of something, "My dad's gonna freak."

"Good. He has a gun," he said suggestively.

"Great. Now Josh has two people wanting to kill him," I said.

"He deserves it," he muttered.

"Promise me you won't go after him," I said. I didn't want him getting hurt or getting in trouble.

"Andy-,"

"Promise me," I said and held out my hand with my pinky finger sticking out.

He looked so torn, but in the end, he linked his finger with mine. He didn't unlink it though. Even when I dropped my hand back to the bed, he kept his pinky finger hooked around mine. I was too dizzy to even think about it.

"How are you feeling now?" he asked.

"I'm okay," I said, and I guess I was a lot better than before.

"Can I come with you to the doctor?" he asked.

"You're being a little too over-protective now," I joked.

"You're my best girl, of course I'm gonna be over-protective," he said.

I just looked at him. A warm feeling spread through my chest. He gave a small smile. I glanced down when I felt his thumb run across my hand comfortingly. I closed my eyes as this strange mixture of tingling feels went through me.

"Hey, Fovvs?" Rye asked.

I opened my eyes and went to answer him, but then the door opened and my dad came in. Rye stepped away, letting go of my hand. I looked at my dad and his angered face.

"Who did this?!" Were the first words from his mouth.

"It doesn't matter, he's with the principal, he'll get his punishment," I said.

"Don't worry, Robert, I'll take care of it," Rye said.

"You pinky promised me that you wouldn't do anything," I whined.

Rye just rolled his eyes. Dad came up to me and tenderly took my face in his hands, turning it to the side so he could see the damage. I still hadn't looked in a mirror yet. I was probably ugly now.

"How did this happen?" he asked.

"Some guy in class was..." I stopped and looked at Rye. He seemed guilty. I shook my head, "Just some guy in class was being an idiot. Things got out of control. He hit me, but it was an accident."

"He was supposed to hit me," Rye admitted.

"You?" Dad looked at him.

"Yeah...he was giving me shit, and we were arguing, and he went to hit me but he got Andy," Rye told him.

"If you ever let my girl get in the middle of one of your stupid fights again then you'll have me to answer to, okay? Things are different now. You can't just get rowdy around her, you got it?" My dad said to Rye, and he was speaking in a voice that was so firm and demanding. I was so used to my timid, pushover dad.

"Yes, sir," Rye said politely with a nod.

Dad sighed and looked back at me, "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm okay. They just think I have a concussion," I said.

"Yeah, they said that on the phone. I'll go sign you out, and I'll take you to the hospital. I'll be back in a minute," he said and kissed my forehead before he left the room.

Rye sighed in relief, "Damn your dad can be terrifying sometimes."

"He's just like you; overprotective," I said.

"I guess. Anyway, I guess I'll leave you to it. I'll get all your things from class and bring it to you after school," he said.

"Okay, thanks. And Rye...please, please don't go after Josh. Just...please don't make this an even bigger deal," I begged him.

"Fine," he gave in, "I'm not gonna do anything, but the next time someone hurts you, I'm not holding back, and that's a promise."

"Okay, thank you," I said.

"You're welcome," he said and stepped towards me. "Now, I'm going."

He leant forward and lightly kissed my swollen cheek before leaving the room, leaving me sitting there with flushed cheeks and a racing heart.


	19. Chapter 19

I had gotten ready for a date as a guy before but never as a girl. I never used to care about how I looked when I went out with Emma. Now though, it was my first date with a guy and I wanted to look perfect. Will was hot, really hot, and I wanted to match him even though there was no way I could ever be on his level.

I finally gave in to Will after the third time he asked me out on a date. The other times I avoided the question because I was too nervous. I was still nervous, but I agreed to it anyway, and the reason I agreed was sitting on my bed behind me, watching me as I stared at the mirror on my door.

Rye. I wanted to get rid of the fluttering feeling I've had around him ever since Monday when he was so sweet when I got punched in the face. It was Friday night now. I silently cursed him. I knew it was because he was such a flirtatious person. He was with every girl he encountered, so why would I expect anything different when it came to me? I guess I thought I'd still be seen as 'one of the guys'. I suppose not.

Will would be a welcome distraction. I didn't like Rye like that. I couldn't. I liked the attention, the subtle, and not so subtle, flirting. He was my friend though. I could get those fluttery feelings and a lot more from Will, and that was why I was eager to go on this date.

I analyzed my face in the mirror before dabbing some more foundation on my bruised cheek right underneath my eye. The bruise had faded a bit since Monday but I could still see it, even past the make-up. At least I had been getting better with make-up, much to the help of Bianca. I never thought I'd have to learn how to cover a bruise on my face, at least not this early on.

At least one good thing came out of the whole situation. Josh got suspended for two weeks. Rye kept his promise of keeping away from him too, but I wondered how long that would last when he comes back to school. I glanced at Rye in the reflection of the mirror. He was staring at me like he had been for the past five minutes.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing, you just look pretty tonight," he said with a grin.

I didn't say anything. I gnawed on my bottom lip. I hated when he said stuff like that, mostly because I didn't believe it. I looked down at myself. The dark green, almost black, romper I was wearing looked kind of good. At least initially I thought it was good. Now I was criticizing the hell out of myself.

I looked back up. My make-up was as perfect as I could get it. My hair was washed and straightened. My head was telling me I looked fine, but my heart was racing with anxiety. I just wanted to pass as a girl, that was all. I turned to look at Rye. Maybe he could calm me down.

"I don't even know where he's taking me. Is this too casual? Too dressy? I don't know," I spoke quickly.

"You need to relax. It's just a date," he said like it was nothing.

"Just a date? It's my first date with a guy," I said.

"Just be yourself, blah blah blah, you'll be fine," he mumbled carelessly. He wasn't helping.

"What if he tries to kiss me?" I asked.

"I don't care," he shrugged.

"I didn't ask if you care. I said, what if he does? Like, what do I do?" I asked.

"Whatever you want," he said.

"You're not helping," I whined.

"Andy, listen to me," he said as he stood, "It's a first date. It's all about getting to know the guy. You're just gonna hang out. That's it. If you need an emergency out, send me a text. And remember, it's not the end of the world if it goes badly. Life goes on, just take a breath."

I nodded and did as I was told, taking a big breath in and out.

"Okay," I said, "Okay."

"Now," he said as he crossed his arms over his chest, "Do I have to give you the talk?"

"What talk?"

"The sex talk. Do you have condoms?" he asked and I couldn't tell if he was kidding or being serious.

"You just said a first date is hanging out and that's it!" I argued.

"Usually is, but you never know what's gonna happen," he said with a cheeky smile.

"I'm not having sex!" I shouted loudly, and I was so glad my parents went out for dinner.

"Good, don't then, just means I'm one step closer to winning our bet," he said.

"Shut up about the stupid bet. This is serious. Do you think he wants sex?" I asked.

He stepped towards me and put his hands on my shoulders, looking me right in the eyes.

"If he wants sex, you say no. If he tries to push it, get out of there. Simple," he said, again like it was nothing.

"Simple," I repeated with a little nod.

For a split second I relaxed, and then there was a knock on the door.

"Oh my God, that's him. He's here," I whispered.

"You know, if you're that freaked out, you could just stay here. You don't have to go out with him," he said.

"I can't just turn down a date from someone like him. Rye, he's a hot college boy. They don't come around that often, at least not to me," I said.

"Psh, he's not that attractive," he muttered.

I ignored him and grabbed my phone. I left my room and went towards the front door, only to notice Rye was following me.

"What are you doing?" I whispered when I turned back to him. "Stay out of sight."

"Embarrassed of me?" he asked.

"No, it's just weird for a guy to pick up a girl only to see her already with another guy," I snapped. He could be so stupid sometimes.

"Whatever, I'll disappear. I'll catch you later," he said, and then he backed away and into another room, out of sight.

I turned back to the door just as there was another knock on it. I quickly made sure my clothes looked okay before I stepped forward and opened the door. I could've fallen over at just the sight of Will. My heart raced just being in the same place as him.

He looked so good tonight, but did I really expect anything different? His hair was slightly wet but styled perfectly. His jeans were tight and his white button up shirt had the first few buttons undone, showing some of his chest. I was going to die. I was literally going to fall over and die. He smiled at me, and that was it. Someone call a doctor because my heart rate was sky-rocketing.

"Good evening, beautiful," he said, and then he produced a single red rose from behind his back, "For you."

I couldn't help but giggle. That was so ridiculously sweet. I took the rose from him and smelt it.

"Thank you," I said, trying to contain myself.

"Don't thank me. I just wanted to give you something as pretty as you are," he said.

"Okay, you gotta stop it with the compliments or you're going to kill me," I said with a nervous laugh. I hoped the layers of make-up covering my bruise was covering my red cheeks too.

"I can't help it," he grinned, and then held it hand out towards me, "Shall we?"

I smiled wider, if possible, and took his hand. He laced his fingers with mine and we left the house. Rye would lock up for me.

"You really are looking beautiful tonight," he said.

"You're not too bad yourself," I said timidly. I hated being so nervous. I just wanted to relax. He was doing a good job of making me feel comfortable around him, but I still couldn't seem to calm down.

Will opened the car door for me and I got in before he went to his side. I breathed in and out steadily. This was okay. The date had started and everything was going fine.

"So, where are we going?" I asked as he began driving.

"We are going to the drive-in movies," he said proudly.

"Oh really?"

"Yep, I swear to you it's the perfect first date," he claimed.

"How so?" I asked curiously.

"Because, first dates are usually awkward, although I promise you, ours won't be, but if on the million to one chance we don't have anything to talk about, we just watch the movie. But, if we do wanna talk, and girl I'm gonna wanna talk to you, we're in the privacy of the car and can speak without interruptions," he explained.

He was such a smooth talker. I was actually a little bit intimidated by it.

"I can't argue with you there. What are we seeing, or, ignoring while we talk?" I asked.

"Well, it's cheesy, old, horror movie night, so we're seeing The Blob," he said.

"You're kidding me," I laughed.

"Nope, doesn't matter what we see anyway because my attention isn't gonna be on the movie," he said, and he winked at me. I died, again, I died.

I was blushing like crazy and trying not to smile too hard. This was all so perfect. It was like a dream come true. I glanced at him. He stopped talking. I didn't want this to be awkward, so I thought of something to say.

"So, you're just visiting from college, hm?" I asked.

"Can you keep a secret?" he asked.

"Yeah..."

"I'm dropping out," he said.

"Seriously? Why?" I asked.

"College just isn't my thing. My parents wanted me to stay and do engineering but it's just so dull," he groaned.

"Wow, engineering, so you're like super smart then?" I asked.

"You could say that," he said a little cockily with a shrug.

If I wasn't intimidated by him before then I definitely was now. He was this older, more attractive, really clever guy, and I was just this awkward girl in Junior year of high school. Why he was interested in me out of every other person he could be with, I had no idea.

"What are you gonna do now then?" I asked.

"Probably get a job locally where I don't have to use my brain as much. I need a time out, at least for the mean time until I figure out what to do. What about you? What are you interested in?" he asked.

Suddenly everything I was into seemed so unimportant and not cool in the slightest.

"Umm...I like...I guess I like performing and stuff," I shrugged.

"What, like acting and singing?" he asked.

"Yeah, exactly that," I said.

"I'd love to hear you sing some time. You any good?" he asked.

"I'm alright," I said shyly with a small smile.

"I bet you're amazing," he said and flashed me a smile.

My heart was fluttering. If I wanted something to feed my craving of being flirted with, then this was it. With every glance, smile, or compliment, my heart swelled to the point where I thought I'd have a heart attack if he kept it up.

The rest of the date went by just as perfectly as it started. We went to the movie and I couldn't even begin to explain what it was about, because we just chatted the entire time and learnt pretty much all the basics there was to know about each other. It was what a text book first date was supposed to be like.

He was so perfect. I couldn't find a single flaw. I was just amazed by him. I was completely enamored. I couldn't believe he was related to the buffoon that was Brook, as much as I liked him as a friend, I just couldn't see the resemblance between the two personalities.

Will took me home and I was overwhelmingly disappointed that the date was over, but at the same time it was kind of a good thing it ended, because that meant it was ending before I could do anything to screw it up.

"House looks dark. Is anyone home?" he asked as he parked outside.

"No, my parents went out," I told him.

"Are you gonna be okay by yourself?" he asked.

"I'm not a child," I said and hit his arm playfully.

"My mistake. Come on, I'll walk you to your door," he said.

We both got out of the car and he ran around to my side to take my hand and we walked together across the lawn. When we got to the front door, we turned to face each other. I had seen this in all the movies. It was time for the goodnight kiss and I couldn't be more nervous.

"I had a really nice time tonight," he said.

"So did I. I wish it didn't have to end," I said a little sadly.

"Me too," he said.

He was taller than me and looking down. He tilted his head to the side and gave a small smile. I couldn't help but smile back. He was moving closer, and closer, and then it happened. He kissed me.

I felt like a princess in my own personal fairytale. The kiss was so sweet and nice, and I didn't want him to stop, but he did. He tore his lips from mine but he was still so close that the tip of his nose brushed against mine.

"It doesn't have to end, you know?" he said.

"Hmm?"

"The night..." He said and moved back a little, but held my hands, "I could come in for a while, if you want?"

I was so lost in the magic of the perfect date and perfect kiss that it took me a moment to sink in that I was talking to a college boy; an experienced college boy. They did things differently. I didn't want to freak out about his offer and what it possibly meant. I didn't want to scare him away, but I didn't want to take this further right now either.

"Nice try, but...maybe some other time," I said in a shaky voice.

For a moment he was quiet, but then he nodded and smiled.

"I'm looking forward to it," he said, and then he brought my hand to his lips and kissed it gently, "Until next time..."

I bit my bottom lip to hold back the huge smile that was begging to come through. He let go of my hand and without another word, he left. When he got to his car he turned back and gave me a smile, and then he was just gone.

I squealed in excitement and jumped around on the porch step. I couldn't stop smiling. I was on top of the world. That was so great, so amazing, so wonderful, so spectacular. I felt like I was wearing some beautiful princess gown. I was Cinderella and he was Prince Charming.

I stopped and leant against the door with my hand over my chest. Oh God, I think I really, really like this guy. My stomach was doing flips. I took a deep breath, the millionth one of the night, before unlocking the door and going inside.

I practically skipped down the hall to my room. When I flicked the light on, I almost had a heart attack because I wasn't expecting to be someone in there, but there was. Rye was fast asleep on my bed. He must not have gone home.

I went over and knelt on the bed. I nudged him, but he didn't move.

"Hey, wake up," I said and hit his arm.

This time he groaned, but he rolled over and buried his face in my pillow. A moment later he realized what was going on and he looked at me.

"Mm, hey. How was your date?" he asked groggily.

"He was the perfect gentlemen," I said with a smile.

"Sounds boring as fuck," he said and turned his head away from me. I rolled my eyes as him and stood up.

"Why are you still here?" I asked.

"I dunno. Shut up, I'm sleeping," he murmured.

"I can see that. You're in my bed," I said.

"Yes."

I could see that he wasn't going to move any time soon, so instead of arguing with him, I pulled out the spare mattress from underneath my bed. It was the one he usually slept on, but I guess I would be on the floor for the night.

"From Prince Charming to the damn peasant," I muttered.

"He's not Prince Charming," he sighed.

"What do you know?" I snapped.

I got no answer.

"Rye?"

Still no answer. He was asleep again. Instead of waking him up to argue more, I changed into my pajamas, turned the light off and went to bed with the biggest smile plastered on my face.


	20. Chapter 20

I had been spending a lot of my time texting Will lately, so Sunday night was no different. It was my seventeenth birthday and I opted to just stay in. I didn't want a party or even a birthday dinner. I didn't want the attention from everyone. I had too much attention lately. I just wanted to fly under the radar now.

The only attention I wanted was from Will, and Will was giving it to me. It had been a couple of hours since he last texted me and I felt myself missing him. This was ridiculous. It wasn't like he was my boyfriend. We had only been on one date. Still, he made me feel all sorts of butterflies, and the text he just sent through wasn't any different.

Will: [Can't stop thinking about you]

Andy: [Oh really? What about me?]

Will: [Kissing you...]

Will: [I wanna do it again]

I rolled over in my bed as the biggest smile was plastered on my face. I didn't know having a crush could feel like this. I looked back at my phone, not wanting to keep him waiting.

Andy: [Me too]

Will: [When can we hang out again?]

Andy: [Idk. Whenever you want]

Will: [Now?]

Andy: [My parents are here]

Will: [I can take you out]

Andy: [I can't...school tomorrow and all]

Will: [True...I'm starting to think you don't wanna see me]

Andy: [I do!!]

Will: [Then what's the problem?]

Andy: [Nervous]

Will: [There's nothing to be nervous about. I'm into you, like I'm so...so...into you]

Andy: [Really?]

Will: [Can't get you off my mind...]

I had to stop. I was all smiley and giggly. I didn't know how to contain myself. I went to text Rye but instead I opened up my messages to Jack.

Andy: [Will is text flirting with me. No idea what to do!]

Jack: [Tell him ur going to bed n leave the fuckboy to jerk off by himself]

I rolled my eyes. He had this vendetta against all boys. It was a bit ridiculous at times. I was going to text him back when Will sent me another message.

Will: [Where'd you go?]

Andy: [I'm here]

Will: [What are you up to?]

Andy: [Just laying in bed]

Will: [Same...]

Andy: [What's with the dots? :P]

Will: [Just thinking]

Andy: [About?]

Will: [I don't wanna freak you out or make you uncomfortable]

Andy: [I'm a big girl. I think I can handle it]

Will: [Promise you won't freak? I'll stop talking about it the second you want me to stop]

Andy: [Just tell!!]

Will: [Fine...I'm horny af]

I sat up in bed a little shocked. I didn't know what I was expecting but I definitely wasn't expecting that. This was all unchartered territory. I switched back to my messages with Jack.

Andy: [HE JUST TOLD ME HE'S HORNY OMG!!]

Jack: [Told u he's a fuckboy]

Andy: [No he's not. He's sweet...nice...]

Jack: [Mmk. I'll be the first one to say I told you so though]

I rolled my eyes and switched back to Will.

Will: [Scared you off, didn't I?]

Andy: [No, I'm here]

Will: [You okay?]

Andy: [I'm good...]

I bit my bottom lip as I thought about what was happening. It was scary, but at the same time it was really thrilling and exciting knowing that there was a boy who was turned on while talking to me. It made me feel a little brave, actually.

Andy: [What turned you on?]

Will: [You]

Andy: [Oh...well...good ]

Will: [It is good...feels good...]

"Oh my God," I whispered out loud. This was insane. I felt so naughty, but it was so fun too.

Andy: [What exactly feels good?]

Will: [Don't play dumb with me;)]

Andy: [You caught me...what are you doing?]

Will: [Wanna see?]

I knew what he was suggesting. I'd be stupid if I didn't. This whole conversation was so sexual so I knew exactly what he wanted to show me. In a fit of giggles, I replied to him.

Andy: [Okay]

I waited and I waited, maybe for a little bit too long. I started feeling regret, like this was a bad idea, but then a moment later, a picture was sent through of his hard dick in his hand. I gasped and threw my phone over the other side of the bed.

"Oh my god," I whispered.

He did it. He actually sent the picture. I didn't think he actually would. I reached over and grabbed my phone and took another peek. Yep, there it was, as clear as day. I quickly closed out and opened my messages to Jack.

Andy: [HE SENT ME NUDES!!!!]

I was freaking out so much that I didn't even realize I sent the text to the wrong person.

Rye: [WHAT?!]

"Shit!" I whisper-yelled, "Freaking frick..."

That message was not supposed to go to Rye. I didn't know why I hadn't texted him in the first place, but now that I had, I realized it was a disaster.

Andy: [Not meant for you! Sorry! Ignore! Ignore!]

Rye: [What the hell are you doing Andy? You're freaking me out]

Andy: [Sorry! Pretend you didn't read!]

Rye: [andy! Wtf?]

Rye: [andy?!]

Rye: [Do I have to come over there?]

Rye: [Andy...]

Andy: [Shush!]

I went out of my messages to Rye and went back to Will. My heart was racing. Rye was never going to let me hear the end of this. I stared at the picture. I didn't know what to say but I had to say something. I couldn't just leave him hanging. I took a deep breath, calming myself down.

Andy: [Nice]

Will: [Oh you have no idea]

Andy: [So much for you being all sweet and romantic :P]

Will: [Can't help it when I get like this...besides, you said it was okay to send]

Andy: [Good point]

For a few moments he didn't type anything. I was still getting messages from Rye, but I didn't look at them. He was scolding me and making fun of me, I knew it. I stared at the screen until finally, Will replied.

Will: [What do I have to do to get a pic in return?]

I paused. I didn't want to. I was too nervous and I knew better than to send pictures like that to people, especially people I didn't know that well. I wanted to make Will happy. I wanted to turn him on, but not like this.

Andy: [I don't think so...]

Will: [Please?]

Andy: [Sorry, but nope]

Will: [That's okay]

This was too nerve wracking for me. Instead of waiting around for more texts, I set my phone to the side and got out of bed. I desperately needed a drink of water to calm myself down.

I left my room and went down the hall. I was off in my own little world, so much so that I didn't notice my dad and mom sitting on the living room couch watching TV until my mom spoke up.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" Mom asked.

I stopped and looked at her like she was crazy.

"I don't do what you say," I snapped.

"Robert, would you please control him and tell him that I'm his mom and he has to treat me with respect?" she asked dad, but he didn't get a chance to say anything because I was not in the mood for this.

It was my birthday and she hadn't said a single thing about it to me all day. Dad did. He greeted me first thing this morning and I told him not to remind mom because I was curious to see if she remembered. She didn't. Maybe I was testing her to see if there was any mother-ness left in her. There wasn't. She forgot, and now she was trying to order me around like she was my mom.

"Did you even remember it's my birthday?" I asked.

She looked genuinely surprised. Of course she didn't remember. She was too consumed in herself. In fact, she was so obsessed with herself and her own pride that she couldn't even admit that she forgot.

"You changed your gender. I thought you might have changed your birthday too since you wanna be a different person," she said.

"Excuse me? I don't want to be a different person. It's not some choice. I am a girl and you need to learn to deal with it!" I was yelling by now. I was just so done. I couldn't stand her.

"No!" she shouted and stood up, "You need to learn that you are the child here! You need to learn that this is all some ridiculous form of attention seeking and you need to get over it!"

"When will you get it through your thick skull that this isn't some phase?! This is me! This is who I am! Google trans people. It's a real thing! How could you be so ignorant?!" I asked. She was unbelievable.

"I gave birth to you! I know what your gender is! The first thing your little ears heard were 'congratulations, it's a boy'. A boy, Andy! A boy! You are a boy! That thing between your legs?! It belongs to a boy! You can't just throw on a dress and some make-up and say you're a girl! You don't have breasts! You don't have a vagina! You are a boy and no amount of make-up can cover that up! I did not give birth to a little girl so stop trying to fake it!" she screamed at me.

The words were so harsh and as much as I tried to ignore her, and as much as I told myself her opinion didn't matter, it hurt. It really hurt. She made me feel like everything about me was a joke. I felt so invalid. I looked at Dad who was sitting there, staring at the TV as if the argument didn't just happen.

"Dad..." I said desperately.

He didn't say anything. Of course he didn't. Mom had him wrapped around her little finger. I couldn't be in this house right now with people who didn't support me, so instead, I turned and ran out the front door.


	21. Chapter 21

I knocked on Rye's bedroom window. I was uncomfortable and shaking. I was on edge and all I wanted was get inside and for him tell me everything was okay. I needed him to fix this and I knew it was unfair to put that on him, but nothing I told myself was making this better.

The light in Rye's room came on, radiating from the lamp on his bedside table. I saw him as he came to the window and slid it open. He looked down at me in concern.

"Hey..." he said softly, and I just broke down.

"I'm in my pajamas, it's cold and my feet hurt," I sobbed.

I actually stood there crying because my bare feet were sore, I couldn't stop shivering and my mom hated me. I must have looked like a crazy person. I just wanted to curl up on his bed and go to sleep and more than anything I wanted him to hug me.

He reached out and took my hand. I shuffled forward and he helped me through his window and into his warm room. He closed the window and looked at me with a frown.

"What'd he do?" he asked.

"Not Will. My mom. I just can't do it anymore. I can't take it," I cried.

I couldn't remember the last time I cried this hard. It was stupid because I knew I shouldn't cry this way over someone like my mom, but I couldn't stop it from all coming out wave after wave.

He stepped forward and pulled me into a tight hug. That only made it worse. I just couldn't understand how someone who was supposed to love me no matter what, didn't. I couldn't grasp how that one person who was supposed to look at their child with nothing but acceptance and support, couldn't do that for me.

"Shh...shh..." He hushed me.

I wrapped my arms around him. How could this feel so good when everything else felt so bad? For the longest time we stood there together. He ran his fingers through my hair and rocked me from side to side and I didn't realize just how much that would calm me down until he did it. Still, nothing seemed okay right now.

"She won't accept me," I said quietly.

"You don't need anything from her," he whispered in my ear.

I closed my eyes and nodded. I knew that, I did. Right now it was a little hard to get it through my head, but it was satisfying to hear from him. I sighed and buried my face in his neck. I didn't want to move away. I didn't get my way though. He cleared his throat and took my hands that had been around his back. He stood back and looked me in the eyes.

"She's not worth this," he said.

I looked down, feeling ashamed as I nodded, "I know. Damn it, I know...she got under my skin."

"What'd she even say?" he asked.

"Just...stuff about me being a boy," I mumbled.

"She's just jealous you're prettier than her," he said, flashing that charming smile of his.

"Stop it," I said with a small laugh.

"At least I made you smile," he said.

He brought his hand up and wiped away a few stray tears with his thumb. I smiled sadly and looked down.

"Forget about her," he said.

"I want to...Rye, I really want to but she's there all the time and she doesn't understand. It's so frustrating," I told him.

I closed my eyes tightly, willing the tears away. I didn't want to give my mom the satisfaction of making me cry, even if she'd never know about it. He pulled me into another hug. God, he was so warm and him not wearing a shirt wasn't helping those fluttering feelings that I was trying to get rid of. Damn him for being such a good guy.

"Still cold?" he asked after a while.

"Yes," I sighed.

He pulled away from me and went over to his drawers. He came back with a sweater which I took gratefully and put on.

"So, you didn't have time to get dressed or put shoes on?" he teased.

"I just had to get out of there. I'm staying the night, by the way," I said, and there wasn't a question about it. I'd lock myself in his room if I had to.

"I think I can handle that," he said with a smile.

"Thank you," I said.

I went and sat on his bed, leaning against the wall. I sighed heavily and ran my fingers through my hair. I had a headache from the crying that didn't feel like it'd go away any time soon. It was making me tired. I looked up at Rye. He was standing there with his arms crossed and a stern look on his face.

"What?" I asked.

"Nudes?" he questioned.

"Oh God," I groaned. I fell to his bed and buried my face in his pillow. This couldn't possibly be more embarrassing.

"What the hell is this guy doing sending nudes to you after one date?" he asked.

I didn't say anything. He wouldn't get it. Or, maybe he would. He was a guy after all. He knew how guys worked.

"Andy..." he said.

I mumbled 'go away', but he didn't.

"Don't ignore me," he warned.

I felt him sit on the mattress. I cautiously rolled onto my side and looked at him. He had judgement written all over his face. I groaned again and sat up.

"I wasn't supposed to text you," I said.

"Why wouldn't you text me? Are you trying to keep this from me? Your best friend?" he asked, offended.

"It's not even a big deal...it was just...like, a picture, that's all," I shrugged.

"He sent you a dick pic, A, what the fuck?" he whisper-yelled.

"What?! As if you've never sent nudes to someone before," I accused.

"I haven't!" He paused, "Wait...did you send him any back?"

"No! God no," I said quickly.

He sighed in relief and shook his head at me, "I don't like him."

"Why?"

"Because he's sending you nudes!" he yelled. I looked at him like he was insane. His parents were probably asleep right now. They didn't need to be woken with the news that a boy sent me a picture.

"He likes me," I argued, but he rolled his eyes again.

"Just be careful," he said softly, and a little condescendingly.

"Yes, mother," I muttered.

He smiled at me, but then a look of excitement came over his face before he stood up abruptly.

"It's your birthday!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah, you already called me this morning," I reminded him.

"Yes, but I was going to wait until tomorrow at school but since you're here now..." he trailed off, and then bent down to dig around under his bed.

Rye and I would usually spend the day with each other if it was one of our birthdays. Today though, it happened to land on when his parents organized a hiking trip for them, so he was gone all day. I shouldn't have been surprised that he got me a present since he did it every single year, but I still felt a little bit like I didn't deserve anything.

"You didn't have to get me anything," I said when he produced a small, white bag. It was obviously from a jewelry shop.

"Sure I did. This was actually kind of fun. I never know what to get you, but you're a chick and chicks are easy to buy for," he said and sat back on the bed.

He handed me the bag and told me to open it. As much as I felt weird about getting gifts, I was also a little excited. I had never gotten jewelry before. I smiled at Rye before taking out the small box inside. When I opened it, my eyes widened. It was a silver bracelet with a 'A' charm on it with little diamantes in it.

"Rye..." I said softly.

"Oh shut up, just put it on," he said.

I couldn't stop smiling. It was so pretty and shiny. I tried to put it on, but couldn't by myself, so Rye helped me and clipped it on around my wrist.

"You've been wearing these cheap as hell plastic pieces of junk so I figured you could do with something a little better," he said.

"It's so shiny," I said and looked up with a giant smile, "Thank you!"

"It's nothing," he shrugged.

But, it wasn't nothing. It was the best gift I had ever gotten. I leant forward and pulled him into a hug. He hugged me back, wrapping his arm around my waist and pulling me closer. I sighed in content as I rested my head on his shoulder. I was no longer upset. I knew he could make me happy, and he did it within a matter of minutes.

"Uh...I got you something else too..." He said and pulled away from me.

"Okay, now you're going overboard," I said uncomfortably.

"I couldn't resist with this one, and I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I'm not suggesting anything. I just thought you'd like it," he said.

"I don't know whether to be nervous or excited," I said.

"We'll see..."

One again he reached under his bed, but this time he pulled out a bigger shopping bag. This one I recognized in an instant. It was a Victoria's Secret bag.

"You didn't..." I said.

He shrugged and handed me the bag. He could not be serious. He totally didn't do this. And yet, when I looked inside the bag I saw the dark red bra and panties with the sheer slip. I looked at him in shock as my cheeks reddened in an instant.

"Oh my God, Rye! I can't believe you!" I whispered loudly.

"Don't lie, you love it. I saw the way you looked at it," he said.

"This is expensive!" I said.

"I'm a good saver," he shrugged.

I couldn't believe it. I was sitting on Rye's bed with lingerie in a bag on my lap. Did he actually think I was going to wear this? Was I? Oh God, this was such a sexual thing, and usually we were fine talking about sexual things, or at least we used to be. Now though, now I was just so self-conscious.

"I'm never gonna wear this," I said.

"Uh, yeah you are. You're gonna wear it for someone you really like and you're gonna look hot," he said.

I didn't know what to say. I peaked in the bag again. Yep, it was still there, that sexy piece of lingerie that would probably look ridiculous on me.

"Well?" he asked.

"Well what?" I said, looking back up at him.

"Are you gonna try it on so I can see what it looks like?" he asked with a cheeky smile.

"As if! I just...I can't believe you..." I said.

"But really, do you like it?" he asked.

I sighed and settled down a little. This was actually very thoughtful of him. He knew I liked it, and he bought it for me. This and the bracelet would have cost him so much. He would have been saving for ages.

"I do, thank you," I said.

"Good, I'm glad. Have you cheered up now?"

I smiled and nodded, "Yeah, I knew you'd make everything better. That's why I came here," I said.

He smiled back and took my hand in his.

"I hate seeing you upset. I wish you didn't let people like your mom get to you because you're too good for that," he said.

I didn't say anything. I looked down at his hand on mine. Those damn fluttering feelings were back. I hated them. I hated that he was so charming and just invoked these kinds of feelings in every single girl he spoke to. These feelings were supposed to go away with Will as a distraction. I didn't like Rye. He just knew how to flirt really well.

"So," I said and took my hand away, "Teen Wolf season four?"

He tilted his head to the side and smiled, "I have a better idea."

"What is it?" I asked.

"It's your birthday. We're going for a drive," he said.

I knew exactly what that meant and I couldn't get the smile off my face. He didn't mean just any old drive around town. It started on my thirteenth birthday when he stole his parent's car. We got in so much trouble that night, but it was worth it. Being alone, just Rye and I in his car as he sped as fast as he could down one of the back streets was my most favorite thing in the entire world.

I didn't even have to think about it before agreeing. He took me out to my favorite backstreet. It was a long, narrow road that seemed to go on forever, and it was deserted. Tonight it was eerie with fog in the surrounding woods, but it was perfect. It was like there was no one else in the world except for us.

What I loved the most was putting the windows down and letting the cold air whip around my entire body, making my hair go crazy. It was such a rush. I loved the adrenaline pumping through my veins as Rye went way over the speed limit. It was illegal, it was dangerous and it was stupid, but it made me feel more alive and happier than anything else.


	22. Chapter 22

I did not want to wake up this morning. The bed was so warm and even the first motion of opening my eyes was too painful. I was comfortable and tired. The alarm hadn't gone off yet, but my hopes of having a few hours left to sleep were dashed when I realized it was bright out.

I wasn't tired for much longer. When I felt and arm around my waist, I was awake and alert in an instant. My heart raced, at first in fear, but when I opened my eyes and glanced around quickly, I remembered I was in Rye's room and in his bed. That's right, we got home and watched some Teen Wolf before I must have fallen asleep here.

My heart wouldn't calm down. I was frozen, afraid that if I moved then something catastrophic would happen. I was being ridiculous, but I think I had the right to freak out considering Rye's arm was around me. He was fast asleep. I heard his steady, heavy breathing coming from behind me.

I let my body relax a little. He probably didn't even realize he was hugging me. He was a pillow hugger in his sleep. Almost every morning after we've slept over together I'd find him on his bed with a pillow held tightly in his arms. It was completely normal that he naturally found the closest thing to him and hugged it. That didn't really help my heart from slowing down.

I tried not to think anything of it, but that was easier said than done. Maybe it was because I wasn't used to being held like this. I liked it. I didn't want to move. Actually, I did. I wanted to move closer, but I was afraid. Actually, I probably should get out of this positon. I didn't want Rye to freak out when he wakes up.

I never got the chance to make a decision because moments later his phone alarm went off, blaring around the room. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep. I was worried about him freaking out when in reality it was me who was panicking.

He groaned and tightened his grip before it loosened a moment later. His fingertips brushed against my bare hip gently as he moved his arm away. My body went all tingly and I silently cursed myself. This so was not okay. I really needed to go hang out with Will some more because clearly I craved affection so badly that I was actually tricking myself into thinking I was into Rye.

I'm not into Rye.

I kept pretending to be asleep as he leant over me to his phone. He smelt good. Why did he have to smell good? Who even smells so good first thing in the morning? Why was I even noticing? He turned the alarm off and fell back to the bed, this time not touching me.

"Fuck school," he muttered.

I didn't respond. I was still pretty much playing dead.

"Wake up, nerd," he hit me lightly.

I did my best fake 'wake up' before rolling onto my back and looking at him. He looked back at me.

"I'm gonna need a bigger bed if you keep falling asleep here," he said.

"Are you trying to say I'm fat?" I asked.

"Yep," he said with a grin and sat up.

I watched him carefully. He wasn't acting any different, at least not really. Maybe he didn't notice he spooned me while we slept. He always was a little dopey first thing in the morning. I decided to just forget about it.

"You okay?" he asked and looked down at me.

"Yes, why wouldn't I be?" I asked.

"Because I called you fat and you didn't say anything," he said.

"Too tired. I'll slap you across the face later or something," I said.

"I look forward to it," he said.

He climbed over me and without another word he left the room. Moments later I heard the shower running. I sighed in relief. I had to stop this. Wherever these fluttering feelings were coming from, I had to stop it because Rye didn't like me and I didn't like him, at least not like that. We were friends and just because I was desperate for affection didn't mean I wanted it or needed it from Rye.

I sat up and looked around for my phone, but remembered I left it at home. I lay on the bed instead, thinking. I was mentally preparing myself for a day at school when I suddenly remembered I made a psychologist appointment for today.

"Dammit," I whispered.

I had blocked it from my mind because I was nervous about it, but I had made the appointment, eventually, and I couldn't back out now otherwise I'd never go. I covered my face with my hands and pouted.

What if the shrink doesn't think I was ready for HRT? What if they were really rude and dismissed my claims of being a girl? What if they simply didn't understand? I was running circles in my head thinking of all the worst possible outcomes.

I was only distracted from my thoughts when the bedroom door opened again and boy was it a distraction. Rye came in, hair and body wet, with just a towel on. I wanted to punch my stomach after it flipped around. He was attractive. I could admit that, but it wasn't helping. I needed to see Will, stat!

"It's rude to stare," Rye said, and I looked up at his face to see a smirk.

"Stare?" I laughed nervously, "I wasn't staring. Well I was, but like, you know when there's like a really bad car crash and you just can't look away?"

"You're a bitch," he deadpanned.

He went over to his drawers and I turned my back on him so he could do his thing.

"I'm not going to school today," I told him.

"What?"

"I have a psychology appointment," I said.

"Why? You aren't crazy," he laughed.

"Psych appointments aren't just for crazy people. I need to see them about gender stuff," I explained.

"Why? Are you having doubts?" he asked.

"No. It's just protocol," I shrugged.

"Oh, okay, well if you're not going to school then I'm not either," he said.

"You can't just skip school."

"Yes I can," he said simply.

"Your mom will be mad," I warned.

"Then she'll be mad," he said carelessly.

"Whatever. Are you dressed?" I asked.

"Give me a minute."

I rolled my eyes but sat there patiently. I really wished I had my phone with me. I kind of left Will hanging last night.

"Okay, done," he said.

I turned back to him. He was dressed in normal clothes, not his school uniform. I guess school was definitely off the cards today.

"So when do we have to go?" he asked.

"We?"

"Yeah, we. I'm not sitting around here bored all day."

"You don't have to come with," I assured him. I didn't want to be a bother.

"I want to, unless you don't want me to?" He looked at me questioningly.

I thought about it for a moment. I wanted to be one hundred per cent honest with the psychologist and I was afraid that having Rye there might alter how I talk or how much information I give out. Besides, Rye was my best friend which means he might be a focal point in whatever me and the psychologist talk about. I couldn't have Rye there.

"You can come with, but I wanna be by myself when I'm talking to him," I said.

"That's fine. I can hang out in the waiting room. Maybe there'll be a hot reception girl I can hit on," he grinned.

"Yeah, maybe," I said a little awkwardly. "Anyway, I gotta be there at nine. I'm gonna have a shower."

I got out of bed and grabbed some of his clothes to wear in the meantime before heading off to the shower.

* * *

I sat in the psychologist's waiting room, tapping my fingers repeatedly on the wooden arm rest. I thought I was okay, but I wasn't. I was fine when Rye took me home and I changed into my own clothes. I was fine on the way here, and now that I was sitting here waiting for my appointment, my nerves were rising with every second that went by.

"Stop it," Rye whispered as he glanced at my fingers.

I couldn't. I tried, but I just couldn't keep still. It was a distraction; the tapping. I counted each one. My counting stopped when Rye put his hand over mine. I looked at him quickly. This wasn't helping my nerves.

"What are you freaking out about?" he asked.

"I'm freaking out about the possibility that this guy will think I'm a boy and then I won't get on HRT and won't start to change and I'll be masculine forever and I-,"

"Sweetie," Rye interrupted, a little patronizingly I might add, "Listen, first of all, you never have been masculine. And second of all, if this doctor is a dick, then we'll just go somewhere else. Besides, I thought you said this was Jack's doctor? Wouldn't he be all understanding and shit?"

I thought about it. I guess he was right...maybe. I trusted Jack's judgement. What if this doctor only approved of transgender boys and not girls? What if they're biased? Now I was certainly overthinking.

The door to the psychologist's office opened. He was early. I mean, I turned up early, but I thought I had another ten minutes before he'd come get me, and yet here he was, with his eyes on me. He looked friendly enough. Nice smile. Very clean cut with his short, brown, meticulously styled hair. He had a bit of a big forehead but who was I to judge?

"Andy, was it?" he asked.

"Um, yes," I nodded and let go of Rye's hand as I stood.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Doctor Urie, but please call me Brendon. Do you wanna come through?" he asked.

"Sure..." I said cautiously, and I looked at Rye.

"You'll be fine. I'll see you in an hour," he said.

"Your boyfriend can come in too if you want?" Brendon said.

"Oh, he's not my boyfriend. He's just a friend," I said quickly back to him.

"Sorry, my mistake, but he's welcome to join us," he said.

"No, it's fine. He'll go entertain himself somewhere," I said.

"Yeah, I'm good. I'll see you after," Rye said.

I glanced behind me again to give him a small smile as he got up and left. Now, I was alone with the doctor. He gave a warm smile.

"Come on in, Andy," he said and stepped aside.

I took a deep breath. Okay, I can do this.

* * *

Sometimes we spend so much time worrying about things that we build them up in our heads to be a bigger deal than they actually are. I came out of the psychologist office feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I was so relieved and happy. Brendon was so easy to talk to and the hour long appointment felt like only ten minutes.

I went outside to Rye who had been waiting on the steps of the building. He was doing something on his phone but stopped when he saw me and stood.

"How'd it go?" he asked.

"Good," I said with a smile and a nod.

"Just good?" he asked.

"Just good. He just asked a lot of questions and let me talk for ages, but was very understanding and said there shouldn't be a problem with me starting HRT," I said. My smile got bigger with every word.

"Alright, great, so what's next now?"

"I have to see him again for a follow up in a couple of weeks."

"Cool, I bet you're relieved?" he questioned.

"You have no idea," I sighed and he flashed me a smile.

"So what do you wanna do now? It's only ten. Should we go to school?" he asked.

"Ugh, no. I'm in a good mood. It doesn't need to be ruined by school," I said.

"Works for me. We can't go back to my house though in case my parents drop in," he said.

"We can go back to mine. Dad knows I took today off, and my mom will probably be home but who cares what that bitch thinks. We can just lock ourselves in my room."

"Sounds like a plan, let's go," he said, jingling his keys.

I followed him to his car and off we went, back towards home. I felt kind of rebellious not going to school. I had to get my act together. I missed a few days and classes lately. It wasn't a good start for the school year. I had been so preoccupied with what was going on with me that I hadn't even done any extra work.

"Might catch up on someone homework and stuff when we get back," I suggested.

"God, you're boring," he sighed.

"I'm boring because I care about my education?" I asked.

"Yep," he nodded.

"Not all of us are naturally smart like you. Some of us have to study," I said.

"I'm not even smart," he said.

"You are such a lying liar who lies," I said.

"I would never lie to you, Mr Foo Foo," he said.

"Ugh, do not call me that," I snapped.

"Why not Mr Foo Foo? My Foo Foo," he said in cutesy voice.

"Mhm, okay Rye-Pie Poo. Just keep driving," I said.

He narrowed his eyes at me but before he had a chance to argue I turned the music up on the crappy radio to drown him out. We stayed that way for the rest of the drive home. When he got to my house I groaned when I saw my mom's car there. I really just wished she didn't exist.

"We can go somewhere else if you want," Rye said after turning the radio down.

"No...no, I can't let her stop me from doing what I wanna do. If I wanna hang out in my room with my friend all afternoon, then I will," I said in determination.

"That's the spirit!" he exclaimed.

He turned the car off and the two of us got out. This morning when we came back to get changed, he didn't come in with me. My parents were home then. I was actually embarrassed for Rye to be around my mom. I didn't want any of my friends have to deal with her.

"If she speaks to you, ignore her," I told him as we walked up to the house.

"It's her house though. She can kick me out if I'm rude," he said.

"No, I won't let her," I said adamantly.

"Big tough Andy will save the day!" he said dramatically.

"Shut up," I giggled and pushed him away.

I went up to the door and opened it. Mom was somewhere in here. I took Rye's hand and dragged him along the hall quickly so we didn't have to see my mom, but that woman was like a damn weasel popping up out of nowhere.

"Andy? Is that you?" she asked.

We stopped in the hall. By 'we', I meant him. He stopped and turned at the sound of his name.

"Hello Mrs. Fowler," he said politely.

"Oh, it's so good to see you! I almost didn't think you two were friends anymore," she said.

"Funny, he probably thought you weren't my mom anymore. Oh how things change," I said.

I tugged at Rye's arm.

"Wait, wait. I haven't seen you in so long. How have you been?" she asked Rye.

"Uh..." He looked between me and her, "Fine. I'm good, great."

"There, all caught up," I said and took Rye further towards my room.

I didn't listen to my mom anymore. I led him into my room, then I shut and locked the door. I let go of him and stepped away. I was so frustrated. Even when she wasn't being that bad, I was still frustrated with her. I hated the sound of her voice.

"She doesn't seem that bad," Rye said.

I looked at him with a glare. Did he really just say that? His expression changed to regret the second he saw me.

"Sorry, sorry...I didn't mean it. She's the worst. The spawn of Satan," he said.

"That's better," I nodded.

I sighed deeply. It was too quiet in here. I went to my iPod and docking station and put on some music before going to my bed where my phone had been sitting since last night. I could've gotten it this morning, but I was too preoccupied with finding something to wear that would convince my shrink that I was well and truly a girl.

"So glad I'm not in history class right now," I said to Rye.

"Yeah, well I'm definitely not missing English," he said and plopped on the bed next to me.

I nodded, not really paying attention. I opened my messages. I didn't have any more from Will and I wasn't game enough to open the recent ones to read them back anyway. I thought about what I should say to him. 'Hi Will, sorry for ditching you right after you sent me a dick pic. Nice package btw.' I really wasn't good at this.

"Mrs. Williams is gonna be pissed we missed a dance lesson," Rye said.

"Mhm..."

I stared at my text messages thoughtfully. Maybe I could just tell him the truth and say I had to leave and forgot my phone. He was probably bored of me by now anyway. He was a college guy. He didn't have time to deal with me being all awkward.

"What are you doing?" Rye asked.

In a second he had my phone out of my hands. In horror, I jumped towards him, trying to get my phone.

"Give it back!" I demanded.

"No, I wanna see," he said.

"No! Private messages! Ryan! Private!" I yelled at him.

"What's the problem? Have you been saying naughty things?" he teased.

"Give it to me!" I pushed him over on the bed.

He held the phone out of my reach. I crawled over him and yanked it out of his hand. I looked down at him with a death stare.

"You're so annoying," I grumbled and moved off of him.

"You're annoying. You weren't listening to me speak," he said.

"Yes I was," I argued.

"Okay fine, what did I say before?" he asked.

I thought about it and shrugged, "I don't know. You said lots of things?"

"What'd I say about Mrs. Williams?" he asked.

"Uh...that she's hot?" I guessed.

"True, but no, that's not what I said. See, you're too distracted by your new boyfriend," he said.

I huffed and gave an apologetic look, "I'm sorry. And he's not my boyfriend."

"He's not?" he asked.

"No. It was one date..."

"Oh..." he said and he actually looked a little shocked.

"Yes...oh..." I said, giving him a strange look. It was like he was off in another world.

"Anyway..." I continued, "What were you saying about Mrs. Williams?"

He blinked a couple times and focused his eyes back on me.

"What?" he asked.

"I said, what were you saying about Mrs. Williams?" I asked again.

"Oh, that she's gonna be pissed we missed her lesson," he said.

"Oh yeah, probably. We're gonna be so behind," I said.

"It's okay, we'll just make up our own choreography," he said and got off the bed. He held his hand out to me and I looked at him like he was crazy.

"Seriously? Now? We'd fail anyway."

"But at least we'd have fun doing it. Come on, we can at least practice the parts she taught us," he said.

I looked at his hand. It was tempting. I sighed and gave in, taking his hand. He pulled me from the bed and held me in the starting stance we were supposed to be in.

"We don't even have the music," I said.

"We can salsa to Fall Out Boy," he shrugged.

"Right, sure," I laughed.

"Trust me," he said, "On three, ready?"

I nodded and counted in my head. He led the dance and I moved easily with him. This was so stupid.

"You know, when I said I wanted to do homework, I didn't mean this," I said.

"It counts," he said, "I'm gonna twirl you."

"That's not part of the choreography yet," I said.

"Great, then we'll be ahead of the class," he said with that charming smile of his.

Before I could protest any more, he made me do a twirl before pulling me back to him. That was actually kind of fun.

"Do it again," I said, and so he did, almost like an expert, or at least as expert as a couple of beginners could get.

"You can thank my grandma for that move," he said.

"Sounds hot," I joked.

"I wasn't trying to be hot. If I was, I'd probably do something like this," he said, and then he pulled me in closer. In a second he had both hands on my ass as he grinded his body against mine.

"Are you kidding me!" I laughed and pulled away, "You can't just grab a girl's ass!"

"Okay I'm sorry, come back," he said and grabbed my hand again.

This time when he pulled me back to him, he kept a safe distance. He led the dance and I looked away from him. I couldn't get the smile off my face. I just had so much fun with him sometimes.

"This is more like waltz than a salsa," I said.

"That's because I'm elegant as hell," he said.

I smiled and looked down at our feet moving together. I could feel his eyes on me, and I tried to ignore it. After a little while of him just staring at me, I finally looked up with a sigh.

"What?" I asked.

"You know you deserve better than some guy who sends nudes after one date, right?" he asked.

I pursed my lips together and shook my head, "It's not about what I deserve. It's what I can get..."

"Is waiting for someone really that bad?" he asked.

"No one else wants me. Will does," I said.

"Gee, that sounds great. It's like he's a last resort," he said teasingly.

"It's not like that. What do you know anyway? You're a total hypocrite. All you do is fool around with one girl, and then drop her to move onto the next," I said.

"Maybe Will and I are alike then," he said.

"No, you and Will are not alike," I said.

"I'm better, clearly," he said sarcastically.

I didn't say anything. I looked away from him. It was hard to concentrate right now with him holding me the way he was. It was weird talking about Will to him, or at least it was now. Now I was comparing the two of them, and there was no comparison. There was no competition.

"Didn't mean to make you upset," he said.

"I'm not upset," I argued.

"Then smile," he urged.

Just for the sake of being stubborn, I rolled my eyes and didn't let my mouth even twitch into a smile.

"Smile, or else," he threatened.

"Or else what?" I asked.

"Or else...I'm gonna dip you," he said.

"You're gonna what?" I asked.

"We're gonna do a dip, and remember Andy, you're fat so I won't be able to hold you up," he said.

"I'm not fat," I said with a frown.

"Hmm...that doesn't look like a smile," he said.

"I'm not smiling," I said adamantly.

"Then I'm gonna dip you down, girl. You were warned," he said.

He was stronger than me, so I could barely fight it as he spun me away from him, then pulled me back in before dipping me close to the floor. I yelped and looked up at him as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Drop me and I kill you," I said.

"Smile and I won't," he said.

His arms were securely around my back, but I still wasn't risking it. I gave him a quick, fake as hell smile. He smiled back in accomplishment. He went to make good on his end of the deal and pull me back up, but instead he lost his balance and we both went toppling over with him falling on top of me.

"Ugh!" I groaned as we hit the floor, "You're an idiot."

"Me? You're the one with two left feet. That was probably your fault," he said and poked my side.

"Stop it!" I said with a giggle. I was ridiculously ticklish after all.

"Nope," he said and poked my sides again.

"No really! That tickles!" I said, but he kept doing it and I couldn't put on my mad face because I was too busy laughing.

"Stop...stop it!" I gasped for breath.

I took his hands to make him stop. He looked at me with a cheeky smile.

"You stop it," he said.

"I'm not doing anything," I argued.

"Yes you are," he said.

"Shut up," I grumbled.

"You shut up," he said.

He got his hands free and started tickling me again, sending me into a fit of giggles. I grabbed them again, desperate for him to stop this torture. He fought with my hands before taking full control over them and pinning them to the floor on each side of my head.

"Not fair," I breathed heavily.

"Is fair. I made you smile," he said.

"Nope. Fake smile," I said.

"Really?" he asked.

"Mhm, really," I nodded.

"You sure?"

"Mhm."

"Liar," he accused.

I couldn't help but let the small smile slip onto my lips. That one wasn't forced or faked and he knew it. He smiled back as he glanced from my lips to my eyes. It felt so quiet in here now despite the music playing. It was like it was coming from another room.

He looked back to my lips and I was watching him so intently that I noticed his smile slowly slip away. I could feel my heart racing in my chest already. I didn't know exactly when things had changed between Rye and I, but this was the exact moment I realized it.

His lips parted as if he were going to say something, but he didn't. Instead, he let go of my hand and touched the side of my face. My breath caught in my throat as he closed the small space between us and kissed me. His lips, so soft and warm, pressed against mine tenderly.

I wasn't frozen in shock, but neither were there fireworks going off in my body. Instead, what I thought would be a dramatic or awkward moment seemed like the most normal thing in the world. I kissed him back like I had done it a hundred times before already. His lips moved slowly, as slow as his thumb that was caressing my cheek.

Before I could even comprehend anything that I was feeling, his lips left mine. I opened my eyes and looked up at him. That was when the shock set in. That was when I realized my best friend just kissed me and I could see it all over his face too.

He sighed and rolled off of me onto the floor. I let out a breath I had been holding in. Did that really happen just then? I touched my lips, thinking that they'd feel different or something. It was just a kiss, and I had felt those fireworks but I was only just registering it all now. Those fluttering feelings were back and I had a feeling they were going to stick around for a long time.

Oh God. Rye and I just kissed. Rye, my best friend, just kissed me, his best friend, right here, right on the floor, right now, just a second ago, and now he was laying there not saying a word. Why wasn't he saying anything? What did this mean now? Why did I want him to do it again?

"Umm..." I began, but I didn't know where to go from there.

"Yeah...so that happened," he said.

"Oh, okay...well it's good I'm not imagining things then," I said.

"Uh huh."

This was awkward. The kiss wasn't awkward. The kiss was great. But this was awkward. Neither of us knew what to say to the other.

"I have to go to class," he said abruptly as he sat up.

"What?" I asked.

"Class. School. I forgot, I have a science thing," he said. I watched him as he stood up. I sat up, propping myself up on my elbows.

"A science thing?" I asked.

"Yes. I love science, so, I gotta go," he said and backed away to my door, "But...I'll see you...at school...tomorrow..."

"Right, tomorrow," I nodded.

"Yep," he said and turned the door knob, but a thought crossed my mind.

"Hey Rye?" I asked.

"Yeah?"

"You don't have science today," I said.

"Sure I do. I joined the science club...we have a meeting thing," he said.

"Right..."

"Right. Well, have a nice, um, day, and...uh, bye," he said.

"Bye," I said meekly.

He fumbled with the door and then he was gone. I sighed in relief once he left and fell back to the floor.

Fuck. I'm into my best friend.


	23. Chapter 23

There I was sitting in the back seat of the car with Rye on one side and Jack on the other, and surprisingly I wasn't that nervous. The initial awkwardness between Rye and I had kind of worn off since the start of the week, and although the kiss was still in my mind, and probably still in his, it wasn't standing in the way of us getting back to normal.

"Are we almost there?" I asked impatiently.

Sonny who was driving reached forward and tapped the GPS installed in his car. We still had ten minutes until we got there. I sighed deeply. We had been in this car for an hour already. Even Jack had fallen asleep while listening to his iPod.

"Can't you drive any faster?" I asked. "I mean you are into drag racing after all."

"Not on a winding road at night," Sonny said.

"Yeah, Andy. I'm too young and pretty to die. Let him take his time," Bianca said from the front passenger seat.

"Easy for you to say. You're not squished in the backseat with another two people," I grumbled.

"Stop complaining," Rye said.

I glanced at him, seeing his small smile. It was his first smile of the night. For some reason he seemed to be in a bit of a low mood. I didn't have the chance to talk to him about it because I didn't want to bring it up in front of the others.

"So Andy, Will is gonna be there tonight," Bianca said with a smile on her face.

"Yeah, it is his party after all," I pointed out.

She turned back to me with shining eyes showing just how interested she was in this. Actually, no, she just wanted gossip.

"Are you gonna hook up with him?" she asked.

"I dunno," I murmured.

"You gotta! He's so hot...Andy, if you don't, I will," she said.

"The hell you will!" I argued.

"I'm kidding, God. But seriously, you are looking way too sexy tonight to let it go to waste," she said.

I looked down at myself, feeling self-conscious. Bianca and Jack came over before Sonny picked us up so she could make sure I was "party appropriate", as she called it. It was kind of fun and I did feel hot despite being a bit out of my comfort zone.

She chose one of the dresses I bought. It was short, which I guess was my only problem with it. I mean, I liked it. I wouldn't have bought it if I didn't like it, but I hadn't really been seen by my school friends in any girl clothes other than the school uniform, so that's why I was self-conscious. I didn't want people being uncomfortable with me.

"I don't look...sexy. I look ridiculous," I said, seriously doubting the little black dress.

"You look hot. Rye, tell her she looks hot in that dress," Bianca demanded.

"You look hot in that dress," Rye said, disinterested. He was really absent. I wondered if I had done something.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek and played with my hair nervously. I really hoped I looked okay. I didn't want to be the joke of the party.

"Did you bring condoms?" Bianca asked, "Because I have some spares."

"Can you turn the music up, Sonny?" Rye asked.

Sonny, without a word, did as Rye asked and turned the music up. Bianca huffed and faced forward. With only a few minutes left until we were there, she ended up trying to fix her make-up in the rear-view mirror. I looked at Rye. He was staring out the window. I nudged his arm.

"Hmm?" He looked at me.

"Are you okay?" I asked, loudly enough for him to hear over the music, but not loud enough for the others to hear, unless Jack wasn't as asleep as I thought he was.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he said. It was almost convincing.

"Liar. What's up?" I asked.

He shook his head and looked away from me.

"Don't ignore me," I poked his side.

He smiled a little and flinched away. I did it again, knowing how ticklish he got in his side.

"Stop it," he said.

"No, tell me what's wrong," I said and poked him again.

He took my hand, stopping me from poking him again, and then he just didn't let go of it. He held my hand and he kept staring out the window, not saying a word, as if it were such a normal, casual thing to do.

I didn't ask him what was wrong again. Instead, I sat there, once again confused by his actions. He kisses me, he tells me he wants things to be normal, then he holds my hand. I just didn't understand him. Maybe he didn't even understand himself. Maybe he was as confused as I was about what was going on with us. I glanced at Jack. How could he be asleep as a time like this?

I looked back at Rye, and I kept looking at him until his gaze finally drifted to mine. He gave me this mischievous little smile with a look of amusement in his eyes. Was he just messing with me now? I took my hand from his and crossed my arms over my chest. I wouldn't play this game with him. He had to make up his mind.

I didn't communicate with him for the rest of the trip. I was too annoyed. Now I had Rye who was giving me mixed signals, and I had Will at the party who I knew wanted me. Jack really had better do his job tonight and keep me in check.

Sonny turned into a driveway. We must be almost there. I still couldn't see the cabin, but I could hear the loud music. We were late enough as it was. The party would have been in full swing by now. Brook went on ahead of us to help set up, so that was why he was missing from the car. He also ended up inviting a few other people from school, and by 'a few' I mean most, so there was no doubt this party was going to be wild.

When we got to the end of the driveway, the cabin was in sight. It was huge. Is this what rich people called a cabin? It was like a mansion. It was all lit up with lights, but even higher than the house, I saw the embers coming from what I guessed was a huge bon-fire out the back.

"Wake up," I said to Jack and nudged him.

He sat up, alert and startled. He took his earphones out and looked at me.

"Here already? Time sure flies when you're having fun," Jack said sarcastically.

"You're gonna have fun," I urged him. I didn't need him being in a cranky mood too. Even though I was nervous about tonight, I still really wanted to have fun.

"If you say so," Jack said.

I rolled my eyes at him. Sonny drove up to where a lot of other cars were parked, and when he stopped the car, all doors opened. All doors except for Rye's. He held my arm, stopping me as the others got of the car. I gave him a questioning look and he waited until the others were out before he spoke.

"Don't hook up with Will," he said, and I was surprised to find a hint of desperation in his voice.

"What?" I asked.

"Just...don't..." he said.

"Why not?" I asked curiously.

He went to answer but stopped when Bianca popped her head back in her door and looked at us expectantly.

"Are you guys coming or what?" she asked.

"Yeah," Rye said and opened the door.

Bianca's head disappeared and Rye turned back to me as he was getting out of the car.

"I just don't like him," he said.

I didn't get a chance to respond. I got out of the car, joining the others. If I wasn't confused before, I sure was now. I needed some kind of tutorial on how to understand boys. I had lived my entire adolescent life as a boy, and yet I didn't understand them for a second.

"I swear the boys here better all be as hot as Will," Bianca said.

"There's one standing right next to you," Jack said, and even I was surprised by how forward he was with her. I shouldn't have been though. Since I've known Jack he had always gotten right to the point.

"I'm sorry, what was your name again?" Bianca asked him.

"It's Jack. We literally have three classes together," Jack said.

"Oh right, right. Well you see, Jack, I'm looking for a hot, older, college boy. You though? You look like you should be in middle school," Bianca said, and somehow she still managed to sound really nice and sweet.

Jack gave me a look. It was a 'you owe me, and also I'm gonna kill you' look. I admit I might have spent the week convincing Jack he had a chance with Bianca. He also might have come to believe me a little bit. He shouldn't have. Bianca was on a mission to get herself a college boy.

We all went up to the front of the cabin and saw a note on the door. Sonny picked it up and read it.

"Party out back. No one allowed inside unless using bathroom or hooking up," he read out.

"Better reserve a room, Andy," Bianca teased.

"Ha ha..." I fake laughed. I glanced at Rye.

"Let's just go around back. I need a drink," Rye said.

He was off before the rest of us. The others glanced at me. They all noticed the change in him too. Hopefully a party would make him loosen up. He loved parties. A sudden thought crossed my mind which made me feel sick to my stomach though. Parties were the place Rye always found a new girl to fool around with. Was it naïve of me to think he wouldn't tonight?

"Someone's cranky," Bianca muttered as she too walked off, followed by Sonny.

"Or someone's jealous," Jack said just to me.

"Do you think so?" I asked, not sure.

"Andy, that boy is jealous as hell," he said.

I frowned, still not sure of that. It was hard for me to read Rye lately. I didn't want to give myself ideas that turn out not to be true. It'd be so much easier if he would just say what was on his mind. I decided to just let it go for tonight. I wanted to have fun. I didn't want to be worrying about what Rye was thinking.

"Let's go," I said, feeling a bit more positive as I pushed the conflicting thoughts from my mind.

We were quick to catch up to the others. We were also quick to find out just how many people were at this party. There had to be hundreds. The field out the back of the house was packed with people either dancing, talking or just hanging around the gigantic bonfire in the middle of the yard.

Music came from an impressive looking sound system by the house. It wasn't too loud that it was drowning out people talking, but it was loud enough to pump everyone up. I had been to my fair share of high school parties before, and I guess this was like that but on a much bigger scale.

There were a lot of people I didn't recognize at all. They were mostly older. Some I recognized from school. I was so paranoid people would stare at me and take note of how I was a transgender girl, but everyone was so preoccupied with themselves. My confidence came back a little, and instead of crawling into a shell, I found myself excited for whatever tonight would bring. I just wanted to have some fun.

"I'm gonna go find Brook and say hey," Rye said and looked at me, "You coming?"

"Nah, I'm good," I said. I wanted to go with him, but on the other hand I needed a bit of a time out from the confusion that being around him caused.

"Suit yourself," he shrugged and then walked off.

"Oh fine, don't ask if I wanna come with," Sonny mumbled before he too went off to join Rye.

I turned my attention to Jack and Bianca, wondering what they wanted to do. I never really knew where to start with parties. I usually just followed Rye around.

"I'm gonna go find me a guy," Bianca said with a wide smile. "See you later, or maybe not if I get lucky."

"Make good choices," I said to her as she left us.

Then, there was only Jack and I. He gave me a look that showed he wasn't impressed. I smiled innocently.

"So much for me having a chance with her," he said, annoyed.

"Oh come on, you've barely tried," I said.

"Why bother? She's looking for a real man, not me," he said softly.

"You are a real man," I said with a frown.

He just gave a small smile. It was then that I realized Jack didn't have everything worked out like I thought that he did. Perhaps I put him on this pedestal. He was out, he knew about all of this stuff that I didn't, I mean he was president of the gay straight alliance at school, and yet he still had his confidence issues.

"Seriously, go find her or something. She has a tendency of getting really drunk and hooking up with randoms. Go save her from that," I urged him, but he didn't look convinced.

"I thought I was here to make sure you don't do something stupid," he said.

"I'll be fine. I mean, it's not that bad. Rye's gone off, Will is nowhere to be seen. How much trouble could I possibly get into?" I asked.

"That sounds like some really bad foreshadowing, but fine, I'm gonna go try and work some magic," he said.

"Good for you!" I said encouragingly.

"Just text me if you need me," he said.

"Will do. Have fun," I said and nudged him away.

He smiled at me before he went off in the direction Bianca had. Now, I was on my own. I saw a few people from school nearby, and I could have gone and spoken to them, but I didn't really want to. I found myself wanting to find Rye, but I didn't. Instead, I went over to a stone wall that lined a garden surrounding the house. I sat on it with my legs dangling over the edge and people-watched instead.

It was a little cold tonight and I regretted not bringing a jacket with me. After sitting there for a while though, the heat from the fire made its way towards me, even though I was so far away.

I was scanning the crowd for Rye when I spotted Will instead. I felt guilty in an instant. My mind had been so focused on Rye and what was going on there that I almost forgot Will was here too. I couldn't believe I was stuck between these two guys, and it wasn't like I could make a choice. I couldn't when I had no idea what Rye wanted from me.

Will looked so good tonight. It was hard not to swoon over him. He looked like a model. I'd be surprised if he didn't do modelling as a part time job. How in the world was he interested in me when he was surrounded with the most attractive girls? Actually, looking at how beautiful these college girls were made me feel all self-conscious again.

I was staring at Will and ended up getting busted when his eyes fell on me. He smiled the second he saw me, and it was infectious because I smiled right back. I watched him as he excused himself from his friends. He didn't come right over to me though. He went over to the bar. This party actually had a bar. Rich people, I swear.

He then came over to me with a drink in hand. It was red and in a glass bottle. He opened the cap and handed it to me before he even spoke and I took it. One drink wouldn't hurt, right?

"Hey beautiful. I was starting to think you wouldn't make it," he said.

"I wouldn't miss this for the world," I said.

"When'd you get here? You should've texted me," he said.

He stood right in front of me, so close. He had his hands on the stone wall either side of me. His eyes were on mine and I silently cursed myself for being one of those girls that physically melted when a guy looked at me the way he was. He was just so pretty, it was hard to look directly at him.

"I just got here like five minutes ago," I said.

"Serious? Where are your friends?" he asked. He shifted on his feet and I noticed him wobble a little.

"We all split up. Are you drunk?" I asked with a giggle.

"Nah, Babe. I'm fine," he said.

He leant in a little closer and I knew he was going for a kiss. Rye's words flew through my mind and I dodged him by taking a sip of the sugary, and very alcoholic drink.

"Someone's playing hard to get," he said. Damn it, where was Jack? He was supposed to prevent me from wanting to kiss him. I was supposed to stay neutral tonight and keep away from the both of them, but right now I really didn't want to move.

"Gotta make you earn it, right?" I asked.

"You tease," he said with a grin.

I smiled back at him. He bit his lower lip lightly and his hands moved from the stone to my hips as he came closer. I glanced down at his hands and turned my face away from him. I couldn't get Rye out of my head. Part of me thought that maybe I should end things with Will right now, but what if Rye doesn't want me and then I have neither of them?

"I really wanna kiss you," he said.

"Will!" A girl shouted, coming from somewhere. I didn't look.

Will sighed and kissed my cheek before pulling back.

"The fans are calling," he joked. "Do you mind if I go over there?"

"No, it's okay. Go talk to your friends," I said. It wasn't like we were boyfriend and girlfriend. He didn't have to be around me.

"Actually, come with me. They should meet you," he said and took my hand, pulling me away from the stone wall.

"Uh, uhm, okay," I said.

I went off with him, not having much of a choice since he was dragging me along. I didn't have anything else to do anyway. Rye, Jack, Bianca, Sonny and Brook were all missing in action, so either I sat there by myself like a loser, or I could go with him, so I did.

I met a lot of people that night. And by 'met', I mean I stood next to Will while he caught up with all of his old friends. I felt like such a kid around all off them. They were all a few years older. They were out of high school. They had lives. Some of them even had kids. It made me question whether Will was too old for me, but I actually really liked him so I didn't care.

Will was getting more and more drunk by the second. It was actually pretty funny. He kept handing me drinks too and after a while I got a bit light-headed, but more than anything it had me buzzing and made me a bit more talkative with all the strangers.

How long had gone by now? At least two hours. I'd catch glimpses of my friends here and there. Jack was trailing Bianca like a puppy dog. Sonny had been sitting by the fire for a while. I had no idea where Rye and Brook were.

"Andy," Will said excitedly after his friends proposed a questionable idea.

"Will!" I said back with just as much enthusiasm.

"You gotta come with us. Please, please, please?" he begged.

"On the lake? On jet skis? Isn't that dangerous?" I asked.

"Nah, we do it all the time. It'll be fun," he said.

I wasn't that drunk. Plus, my dad would kill me if he got a call saying I had been drinking with college students and got into a jet ski accident. There was no stopping Will or his gang, but I could step away.

"I'll sit this one out," I said.

"Fine, whatever. I'll come find you after and maybe...we can go find a room..." he said with a goofy smile.

"Aha...you're wasted," I pointed out to him.

"Mhm, yes...and horny," he admitted.

He stepped forward and I turned my head to the side as he kissed my cheek.

"Your friends are going," I told him.

He pulled back and looked around. Sure enough the rowdy group were on their way down to the lake.

"Right, I'll find you later," he said.

He didn't try kissing me again. He gave a smile and then he left me there. I looked around, wondering what to do now. I was in a bit of a hyped up mood and I wanted to keep it going, so I headed over to the bar where the drinks were still flowing. Honestly, how do people get this rich?

"The red stuff again please," I said to one of the few people behing the make-shift bar.

"You got it," The guy said and he got the drink from me.

"Thank you," I said with a smile as I took it.

I turned around and took one step, clearly not watching where I was going because I knocked right into someone. It was Rye. My smile widened when I saw him, and then it was quick to fall because he took the drink from my hand and replaced it with a bottle of water.

"You're welcome," he said.

"But I didn't say thank you," I pouted.

"You're still welcome," he said, sounding a little crabby. He stepped away and opened the alcoholic drink for himself before walking off into the crowd of people.


	24. Chapter 24

The night was getting on, but the party showed no signs of stopping and I had a feeling it wouldn't begin to calm down until day broke. I was sitting on a log beside Sonny, probably annoying him. Sonny was the quiet one of the group. He was always so happy with sitting around and watching, but there I was talking away to him as if he cared, and even though I knew he didn't, I kept speaking.

"Because I mean I hope we all still know each other and have parties like this in college because it would suck if we don't," I said, finishing my spiel about how I hoped we didn't all drift apart after high school.

"You have like almost two years before worrying about this," Sonny said.

"I just like to be prepared," I said.

"For what? Losing all your friends?" he teased.

"Don't say that," I whined, "We're all still gonna know each other when we're like old and married and playing bingo in an old folks home."

"Yeah," he laughed, "Well maybe you and Rye will."

"Why just me and Rye?" I asked.

"Because you two are those friends who are like, together for life? You know?" he asked.

I watched him curiously as he brought a joint to his lips and inhaled the smoke. He was so high right now that I was a little jealous. I wished I could be all happy and high. Instead, I was sitting here fretting over not seeing my friends ever again after high school.

"I need to go find somewhere to pass out," Sonny said as he stood up and stretched.

"Don't leave me alone," I pouted.

"You don't need a babysitter, little miss. I'm sure your boyfriend will be back soon," he said.

"I don't have a boyfriend," I grumbled.

I sighed and closed my eyes as I let my head rest on my arms over my knees. Sonny left. Rye was staying away. Will was missing. I had no idea where Brook, Jack or Bianca had gotten off to. That was the thing about big parties. There was no way to keep track of everyone.

"Hey," A voice said, making me look up so quickly that my head spun.

"Oh hey," I said to Rye. He looked really cute in the light of the fire. I took a deep breath and pushed that thought from my mind.

"Look what I found," he said when he sat down.

He showed me the bag of white marshmallows I hadn't noticed before. I gasped in delight. I loved marshmallows so much.

"Oh my God. Where did you find these?" I asked.

"Okay, so I didn't find them. I brought them because I knew there'd be a fire and I know you like them," he said.

"This is why you're my best friend," I said and took the bag from him.

I opened them and popped one in my mouth. Having food was a nice change from all the alcohol and water I had tonight. I didn't even realize how hungry I was.

"Here," he said and handed me a long, thin metal stick.

"Wow, you really did come prepared," I said with a bigger smile.

I put a couple of marshmallows on the end of the stick and he did on his, then we put them by the flames. I sighed in relief, not because of the marshmallows, but because Rye had approached me and was acting normal.

"Careful, you'll burn it," Rye warned.

"Don't tell me, the lover of marshmallows, how to roast one," I said.

"Okay, but it's on fire," he said, "And turning black."

"Dammit," I muttered and took them away from the flame.

I looked at the marshmallows up close. They were burnt to a crisp. Rye's however where perfect.

"Not fair. You gave me dud marshmallows," I said.

"They're from the same packet," he laughed, "Here..."

I watched him as he carefully took the marshmallow off the end of his. It was toasted perfectly. Of course it was. He brought it to my lips and I giggled before opening my mouth and letting him place it inside. It melted in my mouth, sending my senses into a frenzy.

"So good," I said with a mouthful.

"You're so messy though," he said and brushed his thumb against my lips, getting off a bit of stray marshmallow.

"Shut up," I said.

I took a few more from the packet and made a second attempt at roasting them, being careful this time.

"Remember when we were eleven and our parents took us on that camping trip over summer?" he asked.

"Yes, of course I remember," I said with a smile.

"And you tried doing this and burnt your tongue and you cried for the rest of the night because you wanted to eat more but you couldn't taste them?" he laughed at me.

"I don't like this trip down memory lane anymore," I said.

"I'm just teasing," he said and nudged me.

I ate another couple of marshmallows. This time they ended up perfect. I bet everyone around us is super jealous. Actually, everyone around us weren't paying any attention. They were mostly Will's friends anyway. A lot of the people from school I heard were down at the lake.

"Where have you been tonight?" I asked Rye out of nowhere.

"What do you mean? I've been around," he said.

"Probably hooking up with some random girl," I said, instantly regretting it. I didn't want to know.

"No, I've been with Brook," he said.

"You hooked up with Brook!?" I shouted.

He was quick to cover my mouth with his hand and give me a funny look. My eyes were wide though. I could barely think straight right now and it slowly clicked in my mind that I jumped to the most ridiculous conclusion.

"God, how drunk are you?" He asked as he dropped his hand.

"I'm not drunk," I denied. I wasn't. At least I wasn't that bad.

"Uh huh. Will basically gave you a new drink every ten minutes," he muttered.

"No he-," I stopped and then smiled, "How would you know? You stalking me?"

"Stalking?" He scoffed, "No. Looking out for you."

"Aww how sweet," I cooed.

"Shut up and eat your marshmallows," he said.

I put some more on my stick as I roasted them again. I sighed in content and glanced around. My attention landed on the large group of people who came back from the lake all laughing and were mostly wet from head to toe. They must have been freezing. It was a cool night and the only thing keeping me from shivering was the fire which was quickly dwindling.

I saw Will through the flickering flames. He had his shirt off. He was so hot, like insanely hot. I couldn't believe he liked me. There had to be some sort of a catch.

"I can't believe you're into that," Rye said.

I looked at him in curiosity.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," He mumbled, "You're burning your marshmallows again."

I frowned and took them out of the fire before eating them. It didn't slip past me that Rye was talking about Will. What did he mean by that? What was wrong with liking Will? He was nice and attractive, and most of all, he liked me back. I looked at Rye, suddenly a bit annoyed at him.

"I'm gonna go," I said and leant the stick against the piece of log we were on.

"What?" he asked.

"I can't deal with you right now," I said, shaking my head as I stood.

"What'd I do?" he asked.

"Nothing," I sighed, "Doesn't matter. My hands are sticky. I'm gonna go wash them."

I walked off, leaving him there. I could handle these little comments he made, or how he would be so hot and cold with me. He tells me not to hook up with Will, but then disappears all night and shows up again, only to insult Will. It was making my head hurt.

I headed inside. I already went in here a couple of times tonight to use the bathroom, so I knew the way. It was much quieter in here. There were a few people inside, but not many. It was against the rules after all. I made my way to the bathroom and pushed the door open since it wasn't locked. I stopped in my tracks at the sight before me though.

Bianca had her head over the toilet bowl as she threw up while Jack held her hair back. Jack looked up at me, his face softening when he noticed it was me and not some stranger.

"Gross," I commented.

"Shuddup," Bianca whined before throwing up again.

"She's been at it for half an hour," Jack said.

"Gross," I said again.

I went inside and closed the door behind me. I went over to Bianca who sat back and leant against the wall of the bathtub. She looked like an absolute mess. Her eyes landed on me with a less than impressed expression.

"The boys here suck. They just wanna get you drunk and ditch you when you're too drunk. Assholes," Her words slurred.

"Not all of them," I said and nodded towards Jack. Bianca squinted at him.

"What's your name again?" she asked.

"Jack...it's Jack," Jack sighed, and I felt sorry for him. Bianca could be the sweetest girl ever, yes, but she could also be really clueless when it came to other people's feelings.

"Right, Jack...you're good Jaxk. Good Jack," she said.

"Uh huh," he said and looked up at me again, "What are you up to?"

"Oh, right, washing my hands," I said.

I went over to the sink and washed them of the sticky marshmallow.

"How's it going out there? Are you behaving?" Jack asked.

"Yes, I'm behaving. I've been good. I ain't letting any stupid boy get to me," I said bitterly.

"Good. Boys are dumb. The worst," Bianca said.

"I feel very attacked right now," Jack said.

"Oh shush. I'm tired," Bianca groaned.

She closed her eyes and rested her head on Jack's shoulder. He looked down at her and then to me with a smile. I gave him a thumbs up and a little wave before I left quietly so I didn't disturb Bianca.

I backed out of the door, closing it softly behind me. I turned around and jumped in fright when I saw Rye standing there, leaning against the opposing door.

"Jesus, you scared me," I said to him.

"Sorry, didn't mean it," he said and then took my hand. "Come here."

I was still annoyed so I wasn't really in the mood to go anywhere with him, but I still let him pull me past the door and into an empty guest bedroom. He swung the door shut and I sighed, looking at him.

"Rye, what do you w-,"

Silenced. I was silenced by the force of his lips on mine as he pushed me hard against the door. I was shocked, frozen in place. He was kissing me and I was too thrown off guard to even register it in my mind. I didn't even know what I was feeling.

"Mmm, what are you doing..." I mumbled against his lips.

His lips left mine for only a second to talk, "Kissing you. What does it look like?"

He kissed me again. He wasn't wrong; he was kissing me. He was kissing the hell out of me. It took me a moment for my body to wake up and soon I was kissing him back and taking in just how good it felt. I wrapped my arms around his neck as his slid around my back so he could pull my body closer to his.

Oh God, this was actually happening. Here we were, making out, and at first it was good. It was really good. I felt all the pent up emotions of the past week come flooding out of me so fast that I got a head spin. But then I thought about how confusing Rye was and how he was always going back and forth, and that thought made me push him away.

He stepped back at the force and I walked around him, running my fingers through my hair. I breathed in and out deeply before turning back to him.

"Why?" I asked.

"Why?"

"Why are you kissing me? Are you drunk?" I asked.

He chuckled, smiling that charming smile of his.

"I'm kissing you because I've been thinking about it all night," he said.

"You have?" I asked.

"Yes. You have no idea...and..." He paused, looking away.

"And?"

"And...I'm jealous of you and Will..." He admitted sheepishly.

"Oh..."

"Yeah," he said, coming towards me. "And seeing you around him is killing me."

"Okay, so...what does this, like...mean?" I asked.

"It means," he said as he stopped right in front of me, "It means I don't want to talk anymore."

My eyes stayed on his as he reached out and lightly touched my cheek. He wrapped his hand around the back of my neck and pulled me closer before pressing my lips against his again. They were so soft and as his tongue slid against mine, I tasted the sweetness of the marshmallows.

This was the first time we kissed that I could actually feel it all. I felt the eruption of butterflies racing around my heart, making it pump faster as my entire body heated. I had never wanted a kiss this bad in my entire life.

I ran my fingers through his hair, locking them around the strands at the back. He kissed me harder, making me take a step back toward the bed. Now my heart was really racing. I made a little sound indicating that I didn't want to go to the bed, so he stopped. Instead, his hands went wandering and found their way to my ass which he squeezed. I giggled and tore my lips away from his.

"It was only a matter of time before you did that," I said.

"Uh huh, shut up," he said and kissed me again.

He was such a good kisser. I could see why all the girls liked him. He knew exactly what he was doing. I could have done it forever, but I didn't get the chance. We stopped at the same time when we heard a commotion going on outside. People were yelling, and then I heard it.

"Is that sirens?" I asked, looking away from him as I listened.

"Uh huh, party's busted," he said.

I looked back at him, suddenly feeling really shy after what we just did. Yes, we kissed before, but this was all still such unchartered territory. I had no idea how to act just after kissing my best friend.

"Should we, like, go out there?" I asked.

"Unless you want your dad to find us making out, probably," he said.

"Dammit, didn't think of him," I sighed. Hopefully it was some of the other officers and not him.

"Just try and act sober," he said.

"I could say the same to you. You gotta be drunk to wanna kiss me," I mumbled.

"Stop that," he said as he took my hand. "Come on, let's go find a hiding place."


	25. Chapter 25

"Hey, cops are here," I said as I poked my head in the bathroom door. Bianca was fast asleep and Jack looked up at me.

"Shit, really? What do I do?" he asked.

"Nothing. Lock the door. Don't make a sound. It'll be fine. My dad has done these before. They just wanna make it stop before it gets outta hand," I said.

"Okay, whatever works. I can't move her," he said.

He was right. Bianca was out like a light, laying on Jack's lap. I glanced at Rye who was out of sight and whispering for me to hurry up so we could hide somewhere. We could have just stayed in the bathroom, but it smelt of vomit and making small talk with both Rye and Jack after what I just did with Rye seemed awkward.

"Where are you gonna go?" Jack asked.

"Somewhere with Rye," I said. Holding back my grin.

He rolled his eyes and nodded. I could tell he knew I failed at my whole 'stay away from both Will and Rye thing, but I didn't regret caving. I didn't have much of a choice anyway. Rye kind of sprung it on me.

"Unbelievable," Jack whispered.

"Shut up. I'm going," I said and then I flicked the lock on the inside and shut the door.

"Finally," Rye said as he pulled me along.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"To the car. We can wait it out in there," he said.

"We need to get Sonny's keys. I dunno where he is," I said.

"He leaves them on the back tyre. Kinda stupid, but it stops him from losing them," he said.

He took me through the house and to the back. We stopped when we saw what was going on. There were two police cars. Blue and red lights flashing illuminated the entire area. People were freaking out and all running either into the woods or to their cars if they could. They were scared. Most were high or underage and drunk. Some, probably the more responsible, didn't do a thing and stayed put.

"Calm down, everyone, calm down! You're not in trouble!" Deputy McKay shouted, but no one listened. They were all bailing.

"We can't go this way," Rye said.

"Out the front?" I suggested.

"Uh huh, good idea," he said.

He still had his fingers laced with mine and despite the fact that we were both tipsy and trying to evade the cops, I couldn't stop getting all giddy about it. This was insane. Rye was my best friend and our whole lives we had been nothing but platonic but now it was all so different, but not in a strange way. It felt natural.

We went over to the front door and opened it. Rye peeked out then turned back to me, shutting the door.

"There's a lot of people trying to leave. We should wait a few minutes," he said.

"Well what do we do now?" I asked.

"I can think of something," he said suggestively as he took my hips and pulled me closer.

"Stop it," I giggled.

He smiled at me and shrugged, pulling away, "Okay, fine."

I couldn't stop smiling. It was ridiculous. He was being so flirty with me. I felt myself getting a little nervous. It wasn't often someone, especially my best friend, showed an interest in me like this.

I went over to the window and peered out the curtain. There were still people rushing to their cars. Maybe we could make a dash for it too.

"I think we should go," I said to Rye.

"You think?" he asked.

"Sure. More likely not to get noticed in a crowd of people," I said.

"Good point," he said, "Let's go then."

He opened the door and stepped out. I was quick to follow suit. All we had to do was get to Sonny's car which was parked pretty much in the middle of all the rest. We stepped out on the lawn and made a beeline for the cars. We were so close too, that was until an all too familiar voice called out.

"Andy?!" My dad's booming voice yelled.

"Dammit," I whispered.

"Let's go now, you say. More likely not to get noticed, you say," Rye mocked.

"Shut up and just act cool," I said.

I took a breath before turning and smiling at my dad who was marching up to me.

"Hi dad! Glad you could make it!" I said cheerily.

"What are you two doing at a party like this?" He asked in the best authoritative voice he could.

"It's Brook's brother's," I said. Oh God, Will. I had no idea what I was going to do about the Will situation. But I was on cloud nine right now so I didn't really care.

"You better not be one of the drunken idiots on jet skis we got called about," Dad said.

"No, that wasn't us. We're behaving," I said.

"Trust me, I've been keeping an eye on her, Robert," Rye said.

"It's Officer Fowler," Dad snapped.

I glanced at Rye who looked a little amused at the whole situation. I turned my attention back to my dad. He was unclipping something from his belt, then he held it out to me.

"Blow," he ordered.

"What?"

"Just do it," he said.

I rolled my eyes and took the breathalyzer test from him and blew into the tube. He took it from me and looked at the small, blue, lit up screen.

"Not too bad," he said and pressed one of the buttons, then he handed it to Rye, "Your turn."

"Don't I need my parents here before being subjected to cruel punishments?" Rye asked.

"Just blow in the damn tube, son," Dad said to him.

"Yes, sir," Rye muttered.

He did as he was told and when dad checked the results, he didn't look impressed at all.

"How are you even standing right now?" Dad asked in surprise.

I looked at Rye in shock. I didn't realize that he was actually drunk. I thought he was just a little tipsy like I was. I guess he was always kind of good at holding his alcohol.

"Practice, sir," Rye said, not making the situation any better.

"I'm taking you two home," Dad said.

"Dad, please. Don't embarrass me," I said.

"I'm a police office. It's my duty t-,"

"Then why aren't you pulling up all these other kids?" I interrupted him, and I had a point.

Whenever he busted parties, it was never to arrest anyone unless they were seriously out of control. It was just to calm things down.

"Fine, but you two better not be planning on driving off any time soon," he scolded.

"We're not. We're gonna lay low," I said.

"Good. Don't let me or the others see you again," He said as he stepped away, muttering, "Damn police officer's kid getting wasted at a party. Just my luck."

He kept mumbling under his breath as he turned and walked away. Rye and I looked at each other and erupted in a fit of giggles. It was always funny getting into trouble by my dad because he never followed through on anything and he was such a pushover.

"Come on, before he comes back," Rye said before he grabbed my wrist.

We made our way over to Sonny's car and just like Rye said, the keys were on the back tyre. We got in the back seat, shielding ourselves from the mayhem surrounding us.

"Wow, everyone's really freaking out," I said as I moved across to the window.

I looked outside. Groups of people were piling into cars, hopefully with someone sober as their designated driver. Cars were living quickly, almost crashing into each other but miraculously getting out without any damage. I couldn't see the party anymore but it was obvious it was well and truly over.

"We're probably gonna be here the night. We can't drive, neither can Sonny, and Jack and Bianca aren't going anywhere," I said.

"I can live with that," he said.

I kept staring out the window. It was really dark though so I wasn't seeing much except for shadowy figures getting into cars. I was so preoccupied with what was going on outside that I almost forgot Rye was next to me until he touched the side of my face.

He made me turn my face to him and he gave a small smile before kissing me. I kissed him back, still so surprised at how natural it felt. It was as if we did this every day. He made all of these tingles go through my body that didn't even come close to how I felt with Will.

"Wait, wait," he said as he tore his lips from mine, "What if the others show up?"

"Who cares?" I whispered before kissing him again.

I never realized just how attracted to him I really was. I guess I always had been, but it was never an option. It was never a thought, but with him kissing me back the way he was, it was hard not get a little worked up, and soon I found myself on his lap, straddling him.

He made this cute and ridiculously hot sound in the back of his throat. This was so not okay. I shouldn't be this into him, and yet I was. I was so turned on right now by my best friend. Ask me two weeks ago if you thought I'd be making out with Rye in the back of a car and I would have laughed right in your face. Now I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

His hands were cold as they touched my warm thighs. He slid them up higher, then back down, then up again, rubbing back and forth. His fingertips brushed lightly under the hem of my dress. I was finding it harder to breathe in here.

I stopped kissing him to catch my breath, but that didn't stop him. He started kissing my neck. I held back a whimper. Damn, what was he doing to me? Another person had never made me feel like this before. I was so turned on and I almost let myself get lost in it. Almost.

When I realized just how turned on I was getting, I started to freak out. Rye was into girls, purely girls. He always had been. I knew that on the outside, with a lot of help from Bianca, I could look a little like the girls he usually dates, but underneath was an entirely different story. As I felt myself getting harder, I became paranoid that he'd feel it and back out, so I backed out first.

I put my hand to his chest and pushed him back, leaning back myself. It was dark, but I could still see him. His eyes searched mine, looking for a reason for why I stopped, but I didn't give one. I awkwardly cleared my throat and got off him.

"What? What's wrong?" he asked.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. He was looking at me with such concern. I just wanted to kiss him again, but anxiety was getting the best of me.

"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I just think we should stop," I said.

"Okay. That's okay, but why? I like kissing you," he said with a cheeky grin.

I didn't know what to say. I didn't want to bring attention to what was going through my head. I didn't want him thinking about it too and then getting grossed out. I couldn't handle that. I was okay with my body, on the most part. Sure I would love to be biologically female, but I wasn't, and I was dealing with that in an accepting way. I didn't know if he'd be as accepting.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Uh huh, yes," I said, trying to be believable, but failing miserably.

"No you're not. You're acting weird," he said.

I wished he would just drop it, but he was just staring at me. He wasn't going to give up. I sighed deeply. Okay, I could talk about this. It had to come up sometime, right? It might as well be brought up in the beginning.

"It's just..." I started, trying to find the words without actually having to say it, "I don't want you to like...feel...like...feel it..."

"What?" he asked in confusion.

I huffed in frustration, "Okay, so, you like girls."

"Yeah?"

"And I've got a..." I trailed off and nodded down so he'd get what I was talking about.

There was a second more of cluelessness before he gave a look of realization. Oh great, he knew what I was thinking. Now he was going to be weird, and I'd cry, and it's going to be a total disaster.

"Right. That's okay," he said.

"It is?" I asked.

"Yeah. Who cares? I got one too. It's like a his and hers matching set," he joked.

I laughed, rolling my eyes at him. He was such a dork sometimes. I still felt uneasy though. I didn't want him to think I'm unattractive.

"Andy," he said softly when he noticed my low mood, "I really don't care. It's literally at the bottom of my list of things to worry about."

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes, and besides, you really think I'm gonna try and get in your pants while you're drunk?" he asked.

"Hmm no, guess not," I said, feeling a little silly now.

He smiled and leant in, kissing me again. Everything was so overwhelming right now. Being around Rye lately made my common sense quit working. I needed a break already. I slowly pulled away, but stayed sitting close.

"I'm tired," I said.

"Wow, you really are a girl using the whole 'I'm too tired' excuse," he teased.

"Shut up," I said, pushing him away from me.

He laughed and put his arm around my waist. I smiled widely as he pulled me onto his lap and kissed my cheek.

"You need to relax, okay? Trust me?" he asked.

I looked him in the eyes and nodded, "Okay. I trust you."

Not much else was said that night. I ended up falling asleep right there on his lap in the back of the car, but not before sneaking in a few more kisses.


End file.
